Dad fosters 5-year-old boy, demands 17-year-old daughter living in another state take on big sister duties: 'I didn’t feel comfortable being a sister to someone I’ve never seen in person'

Author image for Ally Perry
Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Jul 7, 2025 9:00 PM EDT

In the world we live in today, it is increasingly common for family dynamics to be complicated. It is common for relationships not to work out, for surprise pregnancies to happen, or for the connection between relatives to break down for whatever reason. 

While it is possible to make these more complex situations work for everyone, it takes work from everyone involved, in particular parents, when it comes to the relationship between parents and children. Unsurprisingly, this is often a difficult process, and the outcomes can prove to be disappointing.

One scenario in which this can happen is when parents get remarried and start new families, and then try to integrate their children from a previous relationship into their new lives. Sometimes, this works out great, but other times, kids, parents, and step-parents have their reservations when it comes to balancing the dynamic and getting along with everybody who is involved.

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  • 01

    AITA for telling my dad I don't want to be involved with his adopted son?

    I (17F) have been trying to figure out if I'm being honest or just selfish here. My parents divorced when I was 11. It was pretty civil with no fighting and no custody battles. I ended up living with my mom full-time, mostly for school stability, and I visit my dad during holidays and breaks. We stay in touch with video calls and texts, but we're not super close. That's partly because a few years ago, he moved out of state after getting remarried.
    via SaltyTelephone6837
  • 02
    Cheezburger Image 10526509312
    via Matthew Osborn

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • One teenage girl felt like unfair pressure was being put on her after her dad and his husband began fostering a 5-year-old boy with the intention of adopting him. Not long after their marriage, they had moved to a different state from her because her stepdad got a job offer, and they hadn't had a close relationship since.

    Despite this, her father was hopeful that she would be willing to act as a big sister to their new son. She was reluctant, as the news had come as a surprise, and she had never met the boy. 

    She told her dad how she felt, but he and her stepdad continued to send updates about the child. She wanted to know if she was being too harsh.

  • 03
    His husband, Taylor (29M), got a really good job offer in another state, and my dad decided to move with him. I understood it, even if it meant I'd see him less. Taylor has always been kind when I've visited, but we don't have much of a relationship beyond polite small talk and being in the same room. Recently, my dad told me that he and Taylor have been fostering a little boy. His name is Mason, he's 5, and they're going to adopt him later this year. Apparently, this has been in the works for a
    via SaltyTelephone6837
  • 04
    They were excited and hopeful that I'd be involved; not just as a visitor, but as a big sister. But to be honest, I don't feel connected to this at all. I've never met Mason. I wasn't part of the conversation. It just feels like they've made this new chapter in their lives and assumed I'd naturally want to play a role in it. I told them I didn't really want to be involved. Not in a mean way, just honestly. I said I didn't feel comfortable being called a big sister to someone I've never even seen
    via SaltyTelephone6837
  • 05
    Since then, they've been sending me pictures of Mason and little updates. He apparently knows about me now and has been asking questions. They've shared his drawings, stories about him, etc. I've responded here and there but mostly left it alone. I don't want to be cold, but I also don't want to fake enthusiasm I don't feel. My mom says I don't owe anyone a performance, but that it wouldn't hurt to just be kind and polite when I visit this summer. That makes sense to me. I'm not mad at anyone. I
    via SaltyTelephone6837
  • 06
    Cheezburger Image 10526509568
    via AnimGraph Lab

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 07

    Commenters understood the predicament that she was in.

    WantToBelieveInMagic "Dad, at this time I'm just not interested in Mason, so you have to make sure you don't promise something about me that I don't intend to deliver. He's a little kid and deserves better than to be promised a sister that he isn't going to have."
    via WantToBelieveInMagic
  • 08
    National-Plastic8691 and figure out babysitting and other stuff... and convey intentions and boundaries before you get there... Edit: NTA
    via National-Plastic8691
  • 09
    nooneo5081972 I think the real issue is that you don't seem to have much of a relationship with your father and basically zero relationship with his husband. You rarely see them and they haven't treated you like a daughter or much of a family member. Honestly, your dad has not been a very good dad to you. Your aren't really a part of their family and that's 1000% on them. Your mom's right. You don't owe them or their new son a relationship.
    via nooneo5081972
  • 10
    AdPetite2007 Exactly. It's not that she's cold or selfish ..her dad built a new life without including her, and now he expects an instant bond... That's just not fair.... She doesn't owe anyone a relationship, especially with someone she's never even met.... Being kind is enough... Anything more has to come naturally, over time!!
    via AdPetite2007
  • 11
    LeylaCanvas Lowkey wild how ppl expect u to be instantly invested in a kid ur dad barely even mentioned before. Like where was this energy when u were growing up? U dont have to fake it just bc they're suddenly ready to play house.
    via LeylaCanvas
  • 12
    Sad_Investigator6160 If you do ever end up feeling close to Mason it will be because it happened naturally. Trying to impose a relationship by fiat never works in any context. NTA
    via Sad_Investigator6160
  • 13
    jupiter_kittygirl I came to say the same thing, relationships of any kind take time. Let things take their course. It's too bad they didn't include you sooner but whatever, now is now. It sounds like you are not completely closed down. But also keep in mind you're talking about a 5 year old who needs a family. Life is HARD for foster kids. I think it is sweet he wants a big sister, you could really help this kid.
    via jupiter_kittygirl
  • 14
    Rendeane NTA. You have been honest with your father. You don't have much of a relationship with him and less of one with his husband. It's...interesting that they wouldn't share information about fostering a child until it was at the point of adoption. Peter Mutabazi is a single father with both foster and adopted children. He has lovely videos on all social media platforms under "Foster Dad Flipper" and "Now I Am Known." The faces of the foster children are pixilated or they wear sunglasses to
    via Rendeane
  • 15
    VegetableBusiness897 Yikes OP, get really for the 'you're being mean to an innocent little child 'talk... Since they've obviously talked you up to him...without, as you said, running it by you to find out how much involvement you'd like. They'll paint you as the heartless baddie, even though you're almost an adult with a tangential relationship to one dad and zero to the kid. I'd have to lay out out now. That you are happy for them both and their new family, but you are moving on to your adult l
    via VegetableBusiness897
  • 16
    JaninthePan Getting a 5 year old sibling while you're 17 is a hard connection to make even without the divorce & adoption. My parents had my youngest sibling when I was 16. Sure, I liked seeing him play, and all the fun things about little kids, but it sure wasn't like it was with my closer in age sibling. We're still family and all but we had parents at very different stages of life, and different life experiences over all. Basically you're NTA, and they should temper their expectations around
    via JaninthePan
  • 17
    Lurker_the_Pip "Hi Dad and husband of Dad/name, I'm so happy to see your enthusiasm for growing your little family! You will be great Dads to little guy. I want to caution you, not to make up stories about some wonderful big sister who can't wait to bond because you're setting little guy up for heart break. I am not a sibling to little guy. I'm too old and not going to connect as you seem to hope. If I do form a connection it will be organically and develop on its own, pressure will prevent any
    via Lurker_the_Pip
  • 18
    ΝΤΑ Late-Champion8678 You don't even seem to have much of a relationship with your dad and his husband, how on Earth are you supposed to have 'warm, fuzzy feelings' for a little boy you've never even met? Á relationship has to evolve organically. Or not.
    via Late-Champion8678
  • 19
    pip-whip First, I would try to determine if they are sending you pictures because they are sharing thier joy or if they are trying to encourage you to feel a bond with him. If they are trying to force a bond, this is not going to end well and you should probably avoid the situation entirely if you can. If you and Mason don't see each other much, he's also less likely to feel any connection no matter how much the parents try to force it. If they are trying to force something, you could point out
    via pip-whip
  • 20
    Ashamed Resolution544 no...you're not. I think it's natural and valid for you to feel this way. It would have been nice to have included you from the beginning, to allow you have time to decide how you really feel about all of this and be able to offer from your side. Now, it's being forced upon you so there's some compassion and respect that's been missing. All said, I agree with your mom's advice. But...I'd also find a way to express your feelings to your dad and his partner and that they need
    via AshamedResolution544
  • 21
    sezit I suggest you tell your dad to be very cautious in talking to the kid, and not to over promise or try to push a relationship, but allow you and the kid to navigate your own interactions. And tell him that any pressure will make you back waaaay off. I suspect he's not great at hearing you, tho. He seems pretty selfish.
    via sezit
  • 22
    Long_Fly_663 Your mum is spot on with her advice. Just be kind, not fake
    via Long_Fly_663
  • 23
    stephyska No, you're NTA. And as a side note, I hope your dad set aside $200,000 for your college tuition before taking on this new kid.
    via stephyska

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adoption teenager foster family daughter son aita parenting husband divorce reddit thread Reddit mom
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