Entitled 22-year-old asks to crash on 27-year-old sister's couch "for a few months" without contributing any money, sister refuses: 'Now I'm getting texts from our aunts and cousins telling me I'm heartless'

Siblings are expected to support one another, but there is a point at which it can become too much. This is especially true when one sibling is repeatedly expected to drop everything to accommodate the needs of the other, and when the reverse scenario rarely occurs. Of course, not everything needs to be a "quid pro quo" situation. However, it's hard not to keep score when the imbalance is that obvious. For this 27-year-old sister, she had had enough of being expected to offer food, resources, and a roof over her younger brother's head without anything in return.

This brings me to a larger point about how we define the concept of familial support, particularly when everyone is a fully grown adult. While it's easy for an imbalanced dynamic to take shape between older and younger family members, especially when one person is a dependent, dynamics need to (and should) evolve with age. No older sibling should have to feel financially and emotionally responsible for their younger sibling when they're 22, and no younger sibling in their twenties should want to feel belittled and treated as if they were still a child. 

In other words, there comes a time when providing too much familial support from a financial standpoint can be a detriment to someone's overall growth. I have seen this among the younger siblings of my own friends. In one instance, this person still has the temperament and attitude of her 14-year-old self, and yet she is a decade older. Of course, she is partially to blame for refusing to act like an adult, but as you would expect, several family members are also to blame for letting it get this bad in the first place. Clearly, this 27-year-old author can relate to experiencing the stunted growth of a younger sibling.

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  • "AITA for refusing to let my brother live in my apartment for free just because we're family?"

    A bearded man in a grey T-shirt and khaki shorts takes a nap on a couch with a red blanket and a grey couch pillow.
    via Unsplash+ (Sandra Seitamaa)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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  • We believe the 27-year-old is being more than generous by offering to only charge her brother for a portion of utilities and groceries during the months in which he planned to crash on her couch. In fact, we think it's a mature arrangement that would hopefully motivate him to find his own living situation sooner rather than later. The fact that both the 22-year-old brother and several family members reacted negatively to the 27-year-old's behavior says more about them than anything else!

  • I (27F) bought a small apartment two years ago with my own money and a mortgage I'm still paying off. I live alone and worked really hard to be independent.
    via mia_donnelly
  • My younger brother(22M) just finished school and asked if he could crash at my place "for a few months." I said okay, but if he helped with utilities and groceries (like 200$/month tops) and respected a few basic rules ( clean up after yourself, no loud guests every night, etc).
    via mia_donnelly
  • he completely lost it. Saidl was greedy, cold, and "treating family like strangers." He told our relatives I was trying to "profit off my own brother;" and now I'm getting texts from our aunts and cousins telling me I'm heartless.
    via mia_donnelly
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  • I'm honestly just trying to protect my space and peace. I don't think asking for basic respect and a bit of help with costs makes me an a h le. AITA?
    via mia_donnelly
  • A woman wearing a black shirt sits upright on a couch and leans her face on her right hand in a distressed and annoyed position.
    via Unsplash+ (Blake Cheek)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • celticmusebooks Spoiler alert-- he was planning on staying a LOT longer than a couple of months. Tell all of the relatives sending you nastygrams that you'll let your brother know that they are willing to house him for free.
    via mia_donnelly
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  • kjlo78 ⚫ NTA. Your brother is an adult and if $200 and basic manners is too much for him, good luck finding somewhere better. Why don't the relatives offer him their place?
    via mia_donnelly
  • lap_ya⚫ Think of the positives - He's shown himself to be an a hole that you would never want to live with without the hassle of having him live with you and the eventual eviction you would have to do.
    via mia_donnelly
  • andmewithoutmyt... NTA. My reaction would be to send a group text, but I'm also not living your life, I would just find this absurd. I'd say something like:
    via mia_donnelly
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  • "Hey it's OP, lots of people have been weighing in on me setting ground rules, and asking for a modest contribution to bills if I let my brother crash with me for several months. I've been told I'm greedy, cold and heartless, and that's not how you treat family.
    via mia_donnelly
  • Good news bro, based on what they have said to me, Uncle A, Aunt B, Uncle C, Aunt D, Cousin E, Cousin F, and Cousin G, all sound like they'll host you indefinitely and you won't be asked to contribute towards utilities
    via mia_donnelly
  • or groceries, you won't be asked to clean up after yourself, and there won't be any prohibition on loud guests staying over late. Since it sounds like you won't need to crash with me anymore, consider my offer retracted. I hope that through our family's example, I can better learn how it is OK to treat family."
    via mia_donnelly
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  • Coollogin ⚫ NTA. Be honest with your family. Tell them you really didn't want a roommate of any kind, but you were willing to tolerate one for a short period as a favor to your brother. But now he is being so unpleasant that
    via mia_donnelly
  • you realize that sharing a living space for him even for a short period of time would be a disaster. Then suggest that one of them take him in.
    via mia_donnelly

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