38-year-old resists mother-in-law's demand that she and her husband travel 1500 miles to visit her on her 70th birthday: 'She basically abandoned my husband'

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Aug 15, 2025 9:00 PM EDT

The adult parent-child relationship is often a complex one. At its core, it is the result of all the things that the parent did or didn't do while their kid was growing up, as well as the child making more realizations about their parental figure as they grow more mature. It is no secret that this can be a painful process, and in the worst-case scenarios, can result in kids going no contact.

As if that wasn't enough, having a partner and acknowledging their feelings about a parent makes the whole thing even more complicated. Even if you can cope with your parents' idiosyncratic behaviors, it doesn't mean that your spouse can. There are a lot of factors at play in making the whole thing work in a way that gives the best outcome for everybody, and the equilibrium can be easily upset. Ultimately, though, when you are part of a couple, your decisions in that relationship often take precedence over the feelings of a parent.

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  • older woman sits by a swimming pool while holding a mobile phone
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  • After many years of marriage, one woman had grown to dislike her mother-in-law because of how she had treated her husband and herself. Living a long way from them, they had only visited each other a handful of times in many years, and there was not a lot of consistent contact between mother and son.

    However, with her 70th birthday approaching, the mom hoped that her son and his wife would come to visit her for the milestone. The younger woman was not happy with the idea, but she was wondering if it would be too harsh to simply refuse to visit her husband's mom.

  • Would I be wrong for refusing to visit my MIL, who moved thousands of miles away?

    I (38 F) have been with my husband (41M) for almost 18 years, married for 9 years. Husband is the only child and was never "close" with his mother. About 5 years into our relationship, his mother moved to another state, 1,500 miles away. For a number of reasons, I'm not a fan of my MIL: basically abandoned my husband when he was in his teens after his father passed away so she could pursue
    via CarrionMae123
  • woman and man stand close to one another while smiling
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    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • her new relationship, has "borrowed" $ from us in the past and never paid back, posts stupid sh_on social media such as "nobody loves my son as much as his mother". I won't bore you with the other details; I just don't like her. About 2 years after she moved, her then- husband passed away. After he was gone, she started to contact my husband more and suddenly wanted to be in his life. Over the years, my husband has visited her once,
    via CarrionMae123
  • a woman looks out of the window of a grounded airplane
    via Roberta Sant'Anna

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • and she has come to visit a few times (she usually stays with her brother, thank god). Recently, she asked my husband and me to visit her for her 70th birthday. Mind you, she hasn't even sent either of us a birthday card for our birthdays in 15+ years. Would I be the a hole if I declined her invitation? I think it is unreasonable for her to ask us to visit her, thousands of miles away, when she is the one who moved away.
    via CarrionMae123

  • While some people felt she was within her rights to refuse, others thought that there was more to the situation.

    Ipso-Pacto-Facto Nope. Can't make it.
    via Ipso-Pacto-Facto
  • SignificanceHead9957 Why are you even considering it? If hubby wants to go then let him but in tour case - nope.
    via SignificanceHead9957
  • tinfoilhattie Info: What does your husband think about the situation and one or both of you attending? I'd consider this something to discuss and decide together, but this is a situation where I would want to be by my partner's side as long as they wanted me to be there. If my partner wanted to go, I would go as well to support them. My attendance would be about being there for my partner rather than about the person we were visiting. I wouldn't consider either of you a_h_les to decline the invi
    via tinfoilhattie
  • Carrion Mae123 OP Thanks for your thoughtful reply! He was upset when I told him I wasn't going to go and started listing my reasons why. When they have phone calls she plays a victim and he is feeling bad for her. I haven't told him he can't go without me, but I haven't suggested it. I want to be supportive of him and just go, but aside from just not wanting to go there are also other reasons this isn't reasonable at this time. We both work full time and already took a good amount of time off t
    via CarrionMae123
  • Tangled Twisted I think this is one of those times where you leave it up to husband. Ask him if he can go alone or if he needs your support. And then if he says he needs you, you go for him, not her. It's once in the 13 years since she moved away and a big occasion... just don't stay with her, make sure you have your own accommodations. You don't have to like her, but sometimes though you have to s k it up and support/be there for your partner.
    via TangledTwisted
  • BeaPositive Too I mean... you could give it a try— just this one time. Given her age and the distance & years between visits, you may never need to go again. If you try it & support your hubs (if this is what he wants), neither of you will ever have questions or regrets. Get a hotel if you can afford it. Do not stay in MIL's home!
    via BeaPositiveToo
  • Own-Addendum-8936 NTA - Sorry, I won't be able to make it because; 1. Can't afford it 2. Can't take time off from work 3. Have other plans that day/week 4. Can't find or afford a baby/dog/house sitter All of these are good to use.
    via Own-Addendum-8936
  • dsp_guy You can decline but you shouldn't force your husband to decline, if that was part of the thought process. If he wants to be involved with his estranged (sort of?) mother, then so be it.
    via dsp_guy
  • jmsst1996 If my husband wanted to go and asked me to go I would. Does she live in her own home or an assisted living facility? I'd be staying at a hotel. We could go out to dinner or something but that would be it for me as far as the visit.
    via jmsst1996
  • EducationalSugar1551 It's his mother. Even when it's dysfunctional most kids want love from their mother. Just be there as support for him. You wouldn't be going for MIL you'd be going to support your husband because given her track record, she will disappoint him and he will need you.
    via EducationalSugar1551
  • ArkieHiker Who will you be punishing, MIL or your husband? Does he want you to go to support him? It's not like she's asked for holidays every year. I get you don't like her, but your husband should come first-if he needs your support then ask yourself why you should or should not go. Could you stay a day there, then make it into a romantic get away after?
    via ArkieHiker
  • Dry_Client 7098 You say I and us. Which is it? You can decide to go or not but you shouldn't even try to influence your husband.
    via Dry_Client_7098
  • Adorable_Dust3799 You wouldn't be the a hole for not going with your husband but id think less of you if we were friends.
    via Adorable_Dust3799
  • WellWellWellthennow This decision is more about you and your husband than it is about her. If he wants you to go, you go simply to be his partner and companion, not for her sake but for his. If he truly doesn't care if you go, or even prefers that as easier for him because there won't be the drama and he won't have to worry about keeping you happy, then there's no reason for you to go.
    via WellWellWellthennow
  • Limp_Service_6886 I like my MIL. She relocated from California to Missouri. For the first couple visits I accompanied my wife. I decided that I have seen enough of Missouri. So my wife now visits her mother on her own. I do take her to and pick her up from the airport. If you don't want to visit your MIL then volunteer to drive your husband to the airport.
    via Limp_Service_6886
  • Scarygirlieuk1 "Sorry can't afford it, I loaned too much money away to people that never paid it back."
    via Scarygirlieuk1
  • Knit_pixelbyte I agree with all these 'talk to your husband folks'. Also, maybe MIL wants to talk to him in person to agree to something. I personally would go and be there with husband in case MIL wants to move in with y'all now or some other horrible idea that your husband may agree to in the heat of the moment because he feels sorry for her. If it's just a party, give it 2 hrs then ghost out. Find other things to do in that area and make it a weekend.
    via Knit_pixelbyte
  • Cute Tangelo3137 Nah, keep protecting your peace. People need to realize their actions/non-actions may have consequences when they suddenly decide they need you in their life. My MIL was a total sh to me back in the day. I have forgiven but I'll never forget. She is old now and may soon no longer be able to live alone. I will not be the one taking care of her.
    via CuteTangelo3137

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husband mother in law family drama birthday parenting family trip mom son vacation
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