'This is exactly why I'm against large families': Parents force 17-year-old son to share a room with toddler, be responsible for his bedtime routine and criticize him when it goes wrong

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Sep 5, 2025 10:00 PM EDT

"Parentification" is a word you might have encountered around the internet. It's a way to refer to the practice of parents forcing their older children to take care of their younger children. It happens all the time, but it should never be normalized. It forces kids to grow up way before they should, and it offloads responsibility that really only belongs to the parents. 

Think about the Duggar family-- the famous fundamentalist family of 19 children. The only way that a family that size was possible is that the older kids became responsible for the younger kids. They became their functional parents. Not only is this confusing for the younger children, but it also robs the older children of a sense of independence. They have their whole lives to be saddled with responsibility. It doesn't have to start when you're a teenager. It wasn't their decision to have another child. It was up to the parents. But unfortunately, that doesn't stop parents from enacting this behavior. It's far too common, but needs to be called out every time it occurs. Like in this story.

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  • A young man holds a toddler boy on his hip.
    via Unsplash+ (Getty Images)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • This story was a classic case of parentification, where the teenager in question called out for a little advice. After being given the responsibility of minding a toddler's bedtime, he ran into some issues. While his parents were making decisions that affected the kid's behavior, the teenager wondered just how much of a role he should play. Read on for the story. 

  • Am I in the wrong for wanting to leave home over a toddler?

    okay so, for context I am the oldest of 5. 2 brothers, two sisters. I am 17M. in February, my youngest brother (toddler) moved into my room with me (I have a 12M brother he should've moved in with) that's another story, anyway in order to get him to bed, him and i would watch TV in his bed together (he's a cuddle to fall asleep kind of baby) and I'd have him to bed usually before 11:00 every night. during the summer, occasionally my mother would take him out for my room to sleep in hers for my s
    via u/ChemicalTale9106
  • this was nice initially, but it became recurring and eventually it got to the point to where after months of sleeping in my room, he got adjusted to going back to his moms room. this isn't even where it gets bad. She then introduces a tablet at bedtime, which again, initially was not an issue, he was distracted at night and
    via u/ChemicalTale9106
  • it gave me some peaceful time to play video games. but again, it became a consistent nightly routine, and he got used to it. now he wouldnt go to bed without it, and occasionally would cry to go to his moms room. MIND YOU, he didn't do this when he got adjusted to sleeping in my room. he now gets away with going downstairs several times a night for whatever fathomable thing ( chocolate, food, milk, etc) which he does not need he is well fed and only needs to come upstairs with water.
    via u/ChemicalTale9106
  • he screams to get out of my room every night, wrestles me to leave my room, cries over anything, and the worst part is, I am to blame according to my mother. I try to watch his tablet (THAT I DONT WANT HIM HAVING AT BEDTIME) with him, I try and watch TV with him, I try and play with him for a little to get him tired,
    via u/ChemicalTale9106
  • ANYTHING to get him to settle, but it is now just constant running to leave my room and scream and cry. I think this is a case of unregulated tablet use, along with excess sugar, but Obviously since I know nothing according to my mother this is simply my fault.
    via u/ChemicalTale9106
  • She says that if we don't get along, I am going to lose my phone for a week, (I am 15 years older than him) and that she needs to work in the morning, but simply if she hadn't gotten him adjusted to doing whatever he wanted, or caved in and gave him a tablet, chocolate, or food or even being allowed to come down for that matter, this wouldn't be an issue.
    via u/ChemicalTale9106
  • I don't understand how this is my fault and my hands are tied. am I the a hole? is there something I don't know or can do differently? how do I respond to her about it in a way that she could understand without coming off as ride that THIS dilemma wasn't caused by me or my lack of bothering? Please help. thank you
    via u/ChemicalTale9106
  • A young man plays with a toddler boy.
    via Unsplash+ (Getty Images)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • Commenters weighed in on this upsetting situation.

    Born_Relief4909 · 10h ago Ugh I'm sorry. This is what happens when parents have more kids than they can handle and they the youngest off on the oldest. You did not sign up to parent your sibling. You are 17, you deserve your own space. Your mom needs to start being a parent. NTA
    via u/Born_Relief4909
  • Chemical-Clock-6145 10h ago . NTA but you're definitely a free childcare worker atp Missing some context but this seems like you're expected to be an extra parent and problem solve things your mom won't.
    via u/Chemical-Clock-6145
  • Anxious-Pen-8418 9h ago . NTA she's parentifying you but doesn't want you to question anything she does wrong either. you can only parent your brother in the things she doesn't want to deal with. you have been more caring than a lot of teens at your age. do you have any ways of staying out of the house like getting a job? are you going for college soon and if so can you go to a campus where you don't stay at home?
    via u/Anxious-Pen-8418
  • Slaator 9h ago Edited 9h ago I am positively FURIOUS with your mother for having very literally dumped her last child on her first child. Your 2-year-old brother should not be in your room-and no one but your mother or father should be putting him to bed on a
    via u/Slaator
  • regular basis. The occasional time that you or one of your siblings are putting him to bed, you should be following whatever protocols that your parents have established and practice nightly themselves. Bedtime should look and feel the same to a child every single night, no matter who's in charge the OCCASIONAL time when Mom or Dad can't be.
    via u/Slaator
  • You FOR SURE should not be struggling to undo whatever bulls habits your parents have caused this toddler to develop. You need to have a sitdown with your mother and tell her point- blank, "You have completely lost sight of who this child's parents are. I'll give you a hint: neither of them is me."
    via u/Slaator
  • Look up 'parentification' and tell us if something in the definition doesn't sound familiar to you . . NTA
    via u/Slaator
  • HeloRising 9h ago . NTA I'm going to be extremely frank with you and I don't do so out of a desire to be insulting. Your brother is behaving in a way that's appropriate for his development - he's a toddler,
    via u/HeloRising
  • he's starting to assert his independence and have a mind of his own. That mind isn't informed by the realities of the world around him yet so it's not reasonable. All that is to say this is an issue that needs to be dealt with by a parent, not a 17 year old. You are his brother, not his father. That isn't to say that you can't deal with it but it isn't right for your mother to offload parenting to you.
    via u/HeloRising
  • It's a complicated situation because it sounds like this has developed because she has to work and that has necessitated you pitching in to help. Helping is great, it's what a family does, but within that family there are things that need to be addressed by a parent.
    via u/HeloRising
  • It might be helpful to ask your mother if there is anything you can do to help give her more time to spend with your brother. Time sounds like it's a limited commodity for her, maybe if there's something you can do around the house that would help her she'd have more time to focus on your brother rather than just mollifying him with whatever will keep him quietest.
    via u/HeloRising
  • • Grouchywhennhungry 9h ago Op why stay in the room at bedtime? I know you shouldn't have to leave your space, but right now you being there means your mum is offloading her job onto you. Go down stairs and do your homework, go to your mates or go sit in your sisters room or watch a movie in the living room. Sharing the room doesnt involve you putting him to bed.
    via u/Grouchywhennhungry
  • bigshot33 9h ago NTA. • This is exactly why I'm against large families. The eldest children will always be parentified. It's not your responsibility nor is it your problem to take care of your youngest sibling.
    via u/bigshot33
  • I hope for your sanity you get to leave soon. Unfortunately the toddler will get dumped onto the second eldest kid.
    via u/bigshot33
  • Home_Alone_Nub • 9h ago Ive got one thing to say. You are not his parent. Bottom line. Your mom has a job to do and its to take care and raise that child. She made the decision to have kids, not you. I know its hard but you have to draw the line there.
    via u/Home_Alone_Nub
  • Vast-Adeptness6337 · 9h ago • it's so disappointing when minors are dealt with overly mature situations. you should have an honest conversation with your mom if possible. she is basically pushing the parenting to you while she has fun time her son. NTA
    via u/Vast-Adeptness6337
  • Emotional_Rule_6604 9h ago NTA. I feel for you man. I'm the oldest of 10 and this was literally the story of my life. Ended up living in with an older guy on my 18th birthday and never looked back. I'm sorry you're going through this. Not sure why people have kids they don't wanna watch.
    via u/Emotional_Rule_6604
  • kawaii_u_do_dis • 9h ago NTA. You sound like a very sweet and helpful kid, you're not even upset about sharing a room with a toddler which most people would rightfully refuse to do. It s ks that your mom is not taking responsibility for her own kid and not taking responsibility for her own actions. I'm sorry she is threatening you if you don't comply. This is completely unacceptable and just messed up for her to do.
    via u/kawaii_u_do_dis
  • Honestly I would refuse to take care of the toddler until he gets a routine again. I bet your mom will cave before you do. Not having a phone for a couple days won't be nearly as inconvenient as her having to deal with her kid herself again. Ultimately it is not your responsibility and it's wild she has made you think that it is. He shouldn't be in your room at all. Good luck OP.
    via u/kawaii_u_do_dis
  • abcdef_U2 9h ago That is actually so sad that your mom could put this on you. Maybe ask her why he is permitted to come to bed with a tablet. Let her know, if you are supposed to be responsible for him and get him back on the schedule you had for him. She needs to stand with you and not give in to his tantrums.
    via u/abcdef_U2
  • TresWhat 9h ago • OP you are NTA. That's very clear. What's less clear is what you can do about it. Sounds like your mother is overwhelmed and can't see this clearly. Sounds like you are really struggling because of this situation. And it sounds like your
    via u/TresWhat
  • baby brother is starting to test limits, get away with it, and develop some really bad habits that will make life harder for him and everyone around him. If your mother won't or can't hear you, can you remove yourself from the situation and just not be around at bedtime? If your mom raised you, and you seem
    via u/TresWhat
  • very sensible and well adjusted, can she start putting up some boundaries with him? If you're 17 so you have a plan to leave home at 18 for college or employment, or is this a longer term problem? Are there other room pairings that could make more sense like the 12M you mentioned? I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
    via u/TresWhat

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