35+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (September 13, 2025)

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  • 01
    Kyla Jenée Lacey ❤ @Kyla_Lacey The fact that Nick Cannon worked for Nickelodeon and didn't name not one of his 37 sons, Nick Jr., still bothers me. 6:12 PM 9/2/25.5M Views 502 12K 203K ☐ 4.3K ↑
  • 02
    Riki @biconicwomann a customer couldn't decide between two desserts and her boyfriend said "just get both, it's your day" and I was like "omg is it your birthday??" and she said "no, he says that every day" 2:13 PM 9/4/25 11M Views 1K 17 56K 732K 30K ↑
  • 03
    MR. ROBOT @chefcoleth4th Mosquitoes when they see you have shorts on: Mads @MadsPosting. 1d H I yeah 0:07 1:59 AM 9/1/25 4M Views 立
  • 04
    Cedar You @our_decay I like exercise names like "Romanian deadlift" or "Bulgarian split squat." The addition of an Eastern European country adds a certain gravitas. I'm gonna invent something called the "Moldovan pushup" 8:27 AM 9/1/25 886K Views 256 1 1.9K 44K 1.8K
  • 05
    seleena @seleena6166 Me creating a new email to get another free trial 4:25 PM 8/29/25.4.1M Views
  • 06
    carter hambley @carterhambley you can tell a person's in a very dark place when a fortune cookie means a lot to them 12:30 PM 8/25/25 3.4M Views . 550 14K 154K ☐ 6.1K ↑
  • 07
    @doonasum circle is so small that when phone rings i know it's scammers 11:12 AM 9/2/25 6.4M Views 373 17 52K 352K ☐ 7.4K
  • 08
    Loppy Rae II Shop on Break! @LoppyRae My 6yo son has been talking about needing to do his hair nice and be cute for school so he can "attract females." I was terrified he got exposed to some alpha male sh. You know what it was? Animal Planet. He is learning to flirt from BIRD documentaries. 8:09 PM 8/30/25 6.7M Views 1.4K 129K 448K ☐ 19K 企
  • 09
    jynx @jynxbby how it feels trying to stop myself from spending money 12:45 PM 9/1/25 2.9M Views 131 125K 164K ☐ 3.1K
  • 10
    Wopavelli @TheWopObama Just went through the Chick fil a drive thru and then ate it in the parking lot and then went back after I was finished eating to get a milkshake • 11:47 AM 8/30/25 4.5M Views 277 1 6.3K www 184K 6.3K ↑
  • 11
    rachel ✔ @rachelplntgnt Got pulled over wearing a bikini and still got a ticket. Might be over 3:35 PM 9/1/25 213K Views 147 27 58 3.9K ☐ 200
  • 12
    demi adejuyigbe @electrolemon i'm gonna keep on dancin at the PINK'S POLISH B A HOLLYWOOD LEGEND SINCE 1939 Welcome to Pink PINK'S HOT DOGS BURGER DRINKS S.M DAN SIDE ORDERS ON ON ONEZ PRES PAN SAMM TM DOGS BI PINK'S 5:31 PM 8/28/25 1.9M Views • PINK'S SIN DR TILED
  • 13
    Christos @christos_ioa I can't believe they made statcast for babies kels @ohioisgood. 17h greatest baby of all time?? Sleep Well! The Team at Nanit. Weekly dashboard for 25 Aug - 31 Aug Your child's weekly average Average from sleep? research studies Optimal range 97% Sleep Efficiency 80% 88% 91% 94% 100% 8h 8m Longest stretch asleep (hrs) 0:00 1:30 2:15 3:00 5:00 1 Visits 02 3 4 7 3m Sleep Onset (min) 0 15 21 27 43 9h 22m Total nighttime sleep (hrs) Oh 16m Total time awake at night (hrs)
  • 14
    TinasheWill Rise @sicksadchris i lowkey can't believe these people are allowed to walk among us salvi @yassambassador. 19h woah The day Taylor Swift got engaged, little girls screamed, grown women cried, and the awkward child we all carry inside finally felt chosen. Kaylin Weir
  • 15
    Corn Purist @CornPurist Tragic that this man lived 1500 years before the invention of the Harley-Davidson P Wylfċen❤ @wylfcen. 1d Reconstruction of an Anglo-Saxon from the 400s. What do you think he'd think of England today? 3:42 PM 9/1/25 3.3M Views 281 17.9K 165K ☐ 2.9K ↑
  • 16
    mo @everlikeme when all your solo careers flop so you decide to reunite and flop together Pop Base @PopBase 22h Fifth Harmony officially reunite as a quartet at the Jonas Brothers concert in Dallas. 11:47 PM - 8/31/25 9.5M Views 611 18.1K JONAS BROTHERS! Samsung TV 186K ☐ 5.2K ↑
  • 17
    Tim Thi @Timotainment Hypothetical: you get $1,000,000 a day, but every day at a random point time FREEZES and your subconscious is flashbanged by the entirety of Cars 2. You have to watch the full movie while no time passes. There is no warning for when it happens. How many days would you do this for 5:05 PM 8/31/25 2.5M Views 1.3K 1 3.1K 78K 3.6K 企
  • 18
    Sarah Osment @sm_osment my employer emailed me to congratulate me on my 4-year anniversary with a link to a button that said "view recognition" which takes you to a page that says "you are recognized" 10:10 AM 9/1/25 1.2M Views 290 171.6K 51K ☐ 1.2K ↑
  • 19
    Paris @goodyhilton The greatest blessing in the world is when women start asking you random questions Punished Cal @SinclairMonaco ⚫ 3d · Hinge is fried bro this girl just asked what my favorite kind of pie is 9:43 AM 8/30/25 4.6M Views 143 17.9K 150K 5.2K
  • 20
    tomie @tomieinlove Spelunking is funny because it's absurdly terrifying and dangerous but not even considered cool or . Nobody says, "Wow, he wriggles through caves, that's so hot." It's done purely for the love of the game. 11:15 PM 8/31/25 190K Views 95 17390 12K ☐ 405 ↑
  • 21
    Andy Ryan @ItsAndyRyan Was in a bookshop and asked a worker if he could recommend books to me. He said "Sure, they're great". • 2:11 PM 8/30/25 1.1M Views 69 tz 2.5K 71K ☐ 1.5K
  • 22
    bubble boi @bubblebabyboi The economy is propped up by women, they spend money like nobody else. I've been around billionaires who watch their dollars closer than the average 20 year old in a big city. 11:08 PM 8/30/25 836K Views 270 1.2K 28K ☐ 2.6K ↑
  • 23
    Qadi✪ @Bigqadi Parents really ate with that "one day you'll understand" thing cause one day arrived fr 3:11 PM 8/29/25 -3.3M Views 211 25K 147K ☐ 4.4K
  • 24
    Juan Pedrito @iRealPedro tell Aristotle to come outside right now, he has competition 906 BIIG RI @BadGyallRiRi 1d Marrying for money when you love money is actually marrying for love 5:34 PM 8/29/25.3.1M Views 75 19.1K 109K ☐ 6K 企
  • 25
    Lucy @rck039 Happened to my good friend John F Kennedy ① uma @ataraxyvenom. 1d my chemical romance in dallas shot from the crowd 9:03 PM 8/28/25 2.1M Views 46 176.2K 90K 1.7K 企
  • 26
    Brian Graham @iroasmas i don't understand why my cooking was garbage. i did everything right. i drank wine while i cooked. i had a hand towel over my shoulder. literally everything right 6:59 AM 9/1/25 1.9M Views 151 15.2K 116K ☐ 2.2K 企
  • 27
    Christin @hexprax It ruins books for me when I get to "the sentence" @chenchenwrites. 4d sometimes you really do write a whole poem just to give one beautiful phrase a home 2:18 PM 9/1/25 .6M Views 234 t 2.2K 112K 8.3K 企
  • 28
    ellie schnitt @holy_schnitt how it feels to have a crush when you're pushing 30 HP Men m M M M. Ne.. Nila 10:31 AM 9/1/25 4.2M Views 342 16K 154K ☐ 8.4K 企
  • 29
    Pat @pattbb8 Spielberg was 27 when he made 'Jaws'. I am 33, four beers deep and seeing it in theaters tomorrow. This is what life is all about • 10:52 PM 8/30/25 1.1M Views 61 172.7K 60K ☐ 1.3K I
  • 30
    @uxcel for someone who loves to sleep so much you think i'd go to bed earlier • 3:45 AM 9/4/25 2.8M Views 103 1 33K 177K 3.8K
  • 31
    Jesse Case @jessecase I've been feeding a stray cat on my deck but now a raccoon moved in too and pretends he's at the movies? 7:24 PM 8/30/25 1.6M Views • 203 [ 4.4K 84K ☐ 3.4K 企
  • 32
    + @reeceollld best friends should be able to apply to jobs together and get hired as a set 1:44 PM 9/3/25 1.7M Views 298 178.3K 88K ☐ 2.1K
  • 33
    * @reeceollld Dear Apple, at no point will I ever text someone "he'll yeah" 1:18 PM 9/1/25.5.5M Views . 784 t 21K 318K ☐ 2.8K
  • 34
    New town every hour @TownsUsa TFW you treat your moderate to severe ulcerative colitis with Rinvoq Yashar Ali @yashar 23h Senator Cory Booker has announced that he is engaged to his girlfriend, Alexis Lewis. 10:35 PM 9/2/25 1.9M Views
  • 35
    jay @denvermayor poly discourse? yeah i'm poly gonna order dis course of chinese food and then head out. i don't really care anymore man 3:21 PM 9/4/25 1.1M Views ○ 31 14.8K 59K 1.8K 企
  • 36
    Megan Nyvold ❤ @MeganNyvold How to tell if a Pho restaurant is good: - one guy screaming across a restaurant to sit anywhere - plastic cups from 2001 - ran thru bottle of sriracha - comes out almost immediately - decor that makes no sense - has numbers in the restaurant name 7:02 PM 9/3/25 2.3M Views • 598 17 3.6K 74K ☐ 3.6K
  • 37
    g❤ @garlandrg The coolest part about being in Amsterdam is the language is so close to English but just incomprehensible enough that it feels like you're having a stroke the entire time 11:36 AM 9/3/25 784K Views 127 1 1.1K 42K ☐ 1.1K ↑
  • 38
    swaggy unc @kikiscrewedup You got enough jams in there brother god Zweil @somethings_awry. 1d Absolutely nothing can hurt me now x.com/ somethings_awr... CHICKEN STOCK ATURAL INGREDIENTS obani Greek Yogurt loney Vanilla Blended MED WITH THE TALL GREEK YOGURT NET WT3209 COULSOL FRIGIDAIRE BRITA BRITA Caterton 45 R Rasp
  • 39
    maha @mahaaaay my new bit is just saying "allegedly" to things that i have very clearly done 9:27 AM 9/3/25 3.6M Views 268 14K 178K ☐ 5.6K ↑

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