Parents decide to sell the house and retire after their 20 and 19-year-old daughters move back in, refuse to pay for household expenses, and do basic chores: ‘they only clean up when it’s absolutely necessary’

Author image for Etai Eshet
Etai Eshet • Editor
Sep 22, 2025 5:00 PM EDT

Nothing tests the limits of patience quite like watching adulthood unfold in slow motion inside a house that looks more like a co-op for semi-independent life skills than a home with shared responsibilities, and after years of reminders about chores, dishes, pet hair, and the great trash can mystery, it is no wonder a pair of parents in their fifties and sixties quietly dream of fleeing for a smaller, less stressful second property while the grown daughters treat basic maintenance like a recurring blind spot. When the best-case scenario is squeezing a $20 utility payment out of adults who can manage car loans and cell contracts but freeze up at mere suggestion of dragging the garbage out or dealing with lawn care, maybe it is time for everyone to test their wings and budget the hard way.

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  • AITJ for wanting to sell my home and retire because my adult kids refuse to help out?

    Cheezburger Image 10556580352
    via Prostock-studio

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • My older kid (20/college Junior) just moved back from Uni and is attending off campus now.
    via roxywalker

  • This is classic generational drift, the moment when the boomerang kids bounce home and swap roommate drama for a laundry-free, grass-free zone maintained only by parental decree and hired help. Economic anxiety is real, but it does not explain why a bathroom morphs into a science experiment or why no one knows how to locate the curb on bin night. The call for tough times and family unity always appears when structure turns into actual inconvenience, as if selling a primary home is a betrayal rather than a permission slip for self-sufficiency and growth. 

  • The other one (19) withdrew from Uni and moved back home this past Summer with zero goals or objectives, but, is working full time in the service industry and stays out a lot with friends and couch surfs often.
    via roxywalker
  • They each make their own car payments ($265/$279/we are consigners on the loans), they pay $40 each for their cell phones (family plan) and one pays $20 towards the water bill, the other $20 towards electricity.
    via roxywalker
  • However, neither of them is self motivated to clean up after themselves or do chores. They were raised with structure, rules and responsibilities yet, they only clean up when it's absolutely necessary, or, when they are directly asked too.
    via roxywalker
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    via Srdjan Randjelovic

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • (Their primary bathroom, dishes in sink, pet care, etc.) And forget any assistance with the outside of the home.
    via roxywalker
  • We pay someone to cut the grass and take out the trash ourselves because they literally don't seem to know how to drag the can curbside.
    via roxywalker
  • This makes us feel utterly exhausted. Having to tell adults who were raised doing chores, to actually *do* basic chores is a level of stress I could have never anticipated.
    via roxywalker
  • Hubs and I have started a serious discussion about selling our house because we already have a second home that is smaller and out of the state we live in.
    via roxywalker
  • We want to move on with retirement and end the constant frustration, plus, the added expenses that comes from maintaining a larger home.
    via roxywalker
  • Cheezburger Image 10556580864
    via Prostock-studio

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • Family thinks we would be 'abandoning' our kids in tough economic times but none of them has an answer for dealing with the laziness or ungratefulness we endure every day.
    via roxywalker
  • Are we the jerks for wanting to finally unload our primary home and move on which would force our adult kids to manage on their own?
    via roxywalker
  • Edit to include: -We have TWO DAUGHTERS *Comments refer to us having sons, nope, should have clarified earlier* -I'm mid 50's/hubs mid 60's -Older one had been moved out for two years but asked to move back so they wouldn't have to pay $$$ or live with three or four roommates -MIL is 89 and lives in an assisted living facility nearby but is very happy and doing well; wouldn't want to displace her
    via roxywalker
  • CodUnlikely2052 NTA but have you sat the kids down to discuss your concerns and your desire to move/downsize?
    via CodUnlikely2052
  • OP roxywalker Yes. They know we have been on the cusp of moving as soon as we got the second property. Strangely, instead of that making them feel motivated to be more responsible, or, even just appreciative of having a home to continue to live in, rent free, they actually got more surly in regards to their dispositions towards us. I think we are more disappointed in their attitudes than anything else.
    via roxywalker
  • queen_surly Good lord, no. They have jobs, and they have shown they can be responsible about things they care about. Tell them to start saving money toward first/last/deposit, and start prepping your house for the market. You didn't mention your ages, but if you are "exhausted" by taking care of an average home, please go get checked out medically. I started feeling like that in my early '60's and was beating myself up over gaining weight and getting out of shape--turns out one of my heart valve
    via queen_surly
  • OP roxywalker I think I'm more mentally exhausted than anything else, but, the constant cleaning and pet care is a bit much and moving permanently to our smaller home would curb a lot of that. -I'm scheduled for an physical next week so I'm not ruling anything out!
    via roxywalker
  • Electronic_Wait_7500 If that's their attitude, they don't really need your help. Give them specific dates that their living areas need to be clean and ready because the realtor is coming to take pictures. Let them know you are moving forward immediately since they aren't doing their share.
    via Electronic_Wait_7500
  • OP roxywalker We've been scouting the real estate market in our area for comps and agents. First steps in motion...
    via roxywalker
  • Shadow4summer I'm glad we didn't get to that point. But at 20 we told our son it was time for him to move out. Having two adult alpha men in the house was not working and driving me crazy. He understood and enlisted. Best thing he ever did.
    via Shadow4summer
  • OP roxywalker We've been trying to encourage our younger one to consider the military as an option but it's been to no avail. Maybe us selling the house will inspire them to consider doing so because they won't have our home to fall back on as a matter of convenience.
    via roxywalker
  • HamRadio_73 NTJ. There is no guilt here. You've done your job as parents and shouldn't spend your golden years catering to entitled children. Time for them to grow up and sometimes they need a push out of the nest. Selling the home and moving is a sound answer. (Retired couple here.)
    via HamRadio_73
  • OP roxywalker Checks out, and happy cake day!
    via roxywalker
  • Tazmosis85 Its harder to get your life started than it was 30 years ago, but they dont seem like they're trying, so its time to push them out of the nest. Maybe start with suggesting they get a place together. Part of being a parent is preparing your kids to become adults, that means a bit of tough love on occasion.
    via Tazmosis85
  • OP roxywalker We've had early versions of this talk; especially when the younger one wasn't exactly flourishing at Uni last year. It was inevitable that they would be returning and the older one has been on standby with that but asked to live back because they didn't want to pay rent or live with four or five roommates for Junior year.
    via roxywalker
  • yournightm Let "family" take care of those childish adults!
    via yournightm
  • OP roxywalker My SIL's extent of helping out is letting them stay at her place for a weekend in the Summer. Thanks auntie.
    via roxywalker
  • Dangerous_Ant3260 Do you really want to move to the second home permanently? Maybe telling the adults living in your home that there is a deadline to move, and everything will have to go with them would be a good first step. Then look at what you want, and evaluate if the second location will be better for you for retirement. You may need a bit longer to ready the house for sale, and downsize for the move, but without two extra people it would be easier.
    via Dangerous_Ant3260
  • OP roxywalker From a financial perspective, it definitely makes more sense. Having to maintain a larger home all around is really taking a bite out of us financially, especially, now that we are retired. Unless we would be renting any of the space in our larger home it's just a financial drag at this point. We have discussed the fact that we would prefer to move to the smaller home, but they don't really seem to be forthcoming when it comes to responding to us in a way that makes us feel that th
    via roxywalker
  • capitanbanana227 I mean, these are your kids. You're not awful for advocating for what you want, but you spend a lot of time here talking about how great you raised them. And yet, they seem to have turned out kinda It's not like they're a caterpillar for 18 years perfectly behaved and then they burst from their chrysalis as a butterfly. adult Not saying it makes you a bad person or a bad parent, but don't act like SOME of this isn't on you, they kinda just became adults so most of what that lear
    via capitanbanana227
  • OP roxywalker I've been questioning how this has devolved because they have turned out to be decent people, but, have zero regard for the home they inhabit, rent free. Maybe the mistake we made was not just uprooting as soon as the younger one graduated and left for Uni? TBT if neither of them had a home to move back into, they wouldn't have this situation to take for granted. That's definitely on us.
    via roxywalker
  • Dangerous_Ant3260 It will take time to downsize for the move, and declutter so you don't move stuff that you don't need, but it can be done rather quickly if you have a good plan. I live in a subdivision with 1200 to 1500 sq ft homes, lots of downsizer neighbors. You can tell they used to live in homes at least twice as big because their two car garages are packed.
    via Dangerous_Ant3260
  • OP roxywalker Been decluttering for two years now. Other house is half the size and already furnished so practically everything furniture- wise and kick-knacky can go from the larger house.
    via roxywalker

  • Parents have every right to retire and simplify, especially after raising kids whose only show of adulthood is managing a monthly car payment more skillfully than a dishwasher. If family wants to keep everyone together, offer a rota and a timeline, not an open-ended guilt trip about economic hardship. Leaving is not abandonment, it is an invitation to adulthood nobody can ignore, and sometimes downsizing is the kindest thing anyone can do for a household that treats chores like electives.

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