21-year-old daughter discovers stepdad doesn't want her to live with her mom and him, she moves in with bio dad, refusing to tell mom the truth: ‘I don’t want to start a fight’

Author image for Bar Mor Hazut
Bar Mor Hazut • Senior Editor
Nov 12, 2025 6:00 PM EST

Finding out that someone doesn't like you or doesn't want you around them is never a fun experience.

Realistically, not everyone you'll encounter in life is going to like you, and that is not really something you can control. That being said, it is one thing to accept that there are potentially people out there who don't like you, and another to know exactly who doesn't like you and why.

Knowing that someone as close as a stepfather doesn't want you around must be a tough blow, which is why we would never want to be in the shoes of the young woman in the story below.

Her parents divorced a long time ago, so now she has two families–one with her mom and stepdad, and one with her dad and stepmom. Since she is 21, she splits her time when she's visiting from college between her mom's and her dad's house.

At least, she did so until she accidentally read a text in her stepdad's phone that revealed that he doesn't actually want her around in his home…

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  • The daughter didn't tell anyone about the text she read, but she did decide to stop visiting her mom's home when she's back from college. Instead, she moved in with her dad and refused to tell her mom the real reason for the change.

    What should she do now?

  • Sad woman moving out packing boxes at home
    via AntonioGuillem

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • Aitah for only staying with my dad when I come home for breaks since my stepdad said he doesn’t like me being at my moms?

    I'm 21f and in my junior year of college, I go to school 3.5 hours away and usually only go home in breaks.
    via BackgroundHeater
  • My parents have been divorced since I was 7, both are remarried with other kids. My mom is married to Rich (47f/48m) and they have two sons 8 and 10.
    via BackgroundHeater
  • My dad and stepmom (50m/45f) have a 12 year old son and I have two stepsisters 22 and 24.
    via BackgroundHeater
  • I had a good childhood, though, and always got along with everyone I thought. Before I left this summer Rich was coaching my brothers soccer team and gave me his phone so my younger brother could play a game on it.
    via BackgroundHeater
  • At one point the phone shut off so I plugged it into my battery pack and when it turned back on there was a text from his brother saying "yeah that's rough but at least she's gone most of the time".
    via BackgroundHeater
  • I saw the text it was responding to and it basically said that Rich always preferred when I was at my dad's house, and said all stepparents probably feel the same way so he doesn't feel bad.
    via BackgroundHeater
  • I didn't snoop anymore and gave the phone back to my brother. I still plan on seeing and hanging out with my mom and brothers, but I told her I was just going to stay at my dads on breaks from now on.
    via BackgroundHeater
  • I didn't tell her why, but I always hated having two houses anyways. I never wanted to just pick one because I love them both, and they always said they all loved me being there and missed me when I was gone.
    via BackgroundHeater
  • I feel stupid for believing them but I guess that's growing up. I told my dad and stepmom it was because my mom was having work done on her house and they're thrilled I'll be staying there (I think?).
    via BackgroundHeater
  • My mom is upset, but I told her it will just make things easier. I don't want to start a fight between her and Rich, and won't make a big deal about anything.
    via BackgroundHeater
  • plan on living at home for a while after I graduate to save money, and it'll just be easier to go towards just staying at one house anyways.
    via BackgroundHeater
  • I know my mom's sad, but I think this is the best for everyone and will make the most people happy.
    via BackgroundHeater
  • My boyfriend thinks I should just keep staying at both, but idk I'm excited about just having one place to stay.
    via BackgroundHeater
  • But am I the asshole for not staying at my mom's part of the time? Edit: I really don't know if I'm ready to talk to my mom about this, guys.
    via BackgroundHeater
  • We had some rough years when I was a teenager and it's a little better now, but it would be devastating to find out she felt the same way.
    via BackgroundHeater
  • When I say I'm an adult it just means that I don't depend on her anymore, not that I think I'm mature if I was I would probably have already told her and not asked reddit lol.
    via BackgroundHeater
  • But that's not going to be an easy discussion, and I'm already hurting a lot. I know she's hurting, too, but I'm still the kid and I'm just saying that it's going to hurt a lot.
    via BackgroundHeater
  • I'm probably going to tell her, I just can't right now I'm sorry
    via BackgroundHeater
  • Upset Young Woman Sitting on a Couch
    via fizkes

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • Parking_Award_5841 NTA - you get to decide how you spend your breaks, but you are going to create a needlessly complicated relationship with your mom if you never tell her the real reason for your choices. I wonder if your stepmom might feel the same way sometimes? Letting your step parents define your relationship with your parents based on their "secret" confessions seems like a bad idea... particularly if you never express it.
    via Parking_Award_5841
  • OP Background Heater She says she loves it when I'm there, and the house doesn't feel the same if me or either of my stepsisters are gone. But yes I worried for a while that neither of them liked me being there and kind of freaked out lol. Maybe because she has other kids and Rich doesn't? But yeah maybe my stepmom would prefer if I'd just stay at my mom's and won't say. But then I have nowhere to stay lol
    via BackgroundHeater
  • Usual-Canary-7764 Your mother married a man who hates her daughter. If she does not want to be sad then she can fix the real issue - the man she married. ΝΤΑ
    via Usual-Canary-7764
  • OP Background Heater He didn't say he hated me. He said he likes me, just prefers when I'm at my dad's.
    via BackgroundHeater
  • The TinySpark NTA - but presumably your parents still communicate with each other, and they're going to compare stories soon enough. Your dad will find out no work is being done on your mom's house. I think it would be better to be honest with your mom and dad about what you saw, and any conflict that may come from it is for your mom and Rich to manage - it's not your fault he's kind of a shitty guy, and she deserves to know how he really feels. Your dad's place is your escape from Rich anyway,
    via TinySpark
  • OP Background Heater lol they haven't talked in years and absolutely don't talk now that I'm 18. They might say hello briefly at my graduation but that's it
    via BackgroundHeater
  • laughter_corgis StepMom might just be one of those people who love kids and is sincere. My Aunt loved it when her step kids visited.
    via laughter_corgis S
  • OP Background Heater Haha if my stepmom feels the same I don't want to know rn. I'm still getting over rich feeling that way and would be devastated if my entire life I wasn't wanted at either house.
    via BackgroundHeater
  • Direct Tie996 Im a mom, and a step mom. I would absolutely want to know if my children ever felt that anyone in my life made them feel like burden. Including when they were adults. I get your stepfather rocked your confidence, but jas your mother ever done anything to make you feel less loved? If not, tell her because you are hurting her and she has no idea why and where the blame should lay.
    via Direct_Tie996
  • OP Background Heater Honestly yes. My mom and I have always had a difficult relationship. Not like cut her off and never speak to her again. But my last few years of high school it was ROUGH and that's what makes me think she might agree. But I'm easier now and she seems to have calmed down.
    via BackgroundHeater
  • Dipping_My_Toes The fact that you're afraid to know the truth is very sad and gives the impression that you suspect she agrees with him. And yes, having that confirmed would hurt very much. You are much better off staying where your presence is valued and welcome. If your mother has left you this uncertain about whether she really wants you around, then she has failed and needs to deal with that.
    via Dipping_My_Toes
  • OP Background Heater Thanks, yes we've had a lot of issues over here years it's better now. I'm older and easier and take up less time I guess so I'm more of a friend than her daughter she's always fighting with I guess. I'm still going to consider telling her, but thank you. You're the only one who kind of gets? Like why I don't want to tell her.
    via BackgroundHeater

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Tags

family drama aita kids mother siblings parenting stepdaughter family sister stepdad women college parents children Father moving out
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