Woman bans coworker from Secret Santa after unexpected employee showdown over gift exchange rules: 'You either play or you don't'

Author image for Ely Bulnes
Ely Bulnes • Writer and Editor
Nov 13, 2025 1:00 PM EST

Office Secret Santas are one of those things that sound way more wholesome in theory than they often turn out to be in practice. At their best, they're a cute way to spread a little holiday cheer and laugh over who got a regifted pair of socks from last year. At their worst, they can really devolve into totally unecessary office drama due to debates about fairness. 

I've definitely worked places where people took it way too seriously (spreadsheets, budgets, gift guidelines) in an attempt to make sure that everything was fair and square, and yet, someone always wanted to bend the rules "just a little." Usually it's the kind of small thing that shouldn't cause any trouble … and yet somehow does. In this story, one well-meaning coworker's attempt to give without receiving throws the whole Secret Santa system into question. His plight is understandable; he doesn't want to receive a gift because his house already has too much clutter, but he does want to get a gift for someone else. We love a minimalist king, but it does mess up the flow. 

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    WIBTAH if I tell my coworker he can't participate in Secret Santa due to his conditions?

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    Okay, so: I'm hosting a Secret Santa at work. It's an employee-run event (no managers involved), and I have been
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    the one to host it for the past few years. I made up some questionnaire slips, sent out an email, and started handing out slips to those who want to participate.
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    One of my coworkers (we'll call him Trey), who I actually really get along with, can be.. difficult.. at times. And has chosen my hosted event as one of those times for some reason.
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    Anyways, here's how it went down: I hand him a slip since he participated last year, and I assumed he would want to play again. He took the slip from me and then asked me "can I
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    just buy someone a gift and not get one?" I told him no, it doesn't work like that. Someone is going to draw his name and they're gonna want to
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    get him a gift. He told me to just put in someone's name who doesn't want to play. I said "they don't want to play, though, so I'm not gonna do that. You either play or you don't. There's no
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    in-between." This just makes sense in my head. But he kept arguing with me saying he really doesn't want any gifts and he doesn't need any more clutter in his house, but he still wants to buy a gift for someone.
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    Another coworker overheard our conversation and kind of called me out for it, saying "damn, just let Trey give a gift to someone and put someone's name in at random.
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    Someone gets an unexpected gift and Trey doesn't have to receive one" I really hate the idea of this, but I told Trey I would think about it.
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    But that just makes no sense to me. I'm not gonna put a random person's name into the hat, and I'm not gonna start asking around "who wants to get a gift, but doesn't want to buy one?"
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    I feel bad because I want Trey to be able to play and participate with us, but I don't like getting pushed into changing rules and making
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    exceptions for people. In my head, the way I set it up is the way the game is played. You either play or you don't. Am I wrong, though? Should I just let him "donate" his gift to someone else?
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  • I do think that our narrator is being a bit stiff for no reason. Well, honestly, they both are! He could just regift whatever he receives. Also, it's kind of weird that anything someone would get him is just clutter, but somehow his sensibilities and gift-giving abilities are so much better than everyone else's that his present could never amount to clutter. 

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    I'd like to say a few things about some points keep keep making. 1. Just let him play and don't put his name in and then one person won't have to buy a gift.
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    My response: It takes the fun out of the game for most people. Like we saw with Trey, pretty much everyone *wants* to buy a gift for someone.
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    That's why they play. Getting gifts is always fun too ofc. But we all love to buy gifts for people, and I'm not going to take that away from anyone. That's why I asked Trey to find someone on his own who is willing to do that.
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    2. I pressured him into participating when he didn't want to. My response: Okay, I know I didn't say it outright, but just so everyone is aware... it is a *voluntary* participation. No one has to play. Trey **wants** to participate. Just without receiving a gift in return.
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    3. Have a raffle for whatever gift he gets My response: To be frank, I really just don't want to set this up. I was pressured into doing the Secret Santa by my coworkers again because I've done it in the past and no one else
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    will really organize it. But I'm extremely busy at work right now and had so many issues last year with managers getting involved, I really didn't want to have to do it again.
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    Before you say I shouldn't have done it at all, I'll explain myself a little. For one, it started as an alternative to the absolute terrible job our company does for their Christmas gifts. It ends
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    up being a lottery every year with some people getting huge flat screens and others getting a dog bowl lol. We started doing Secret Santa as our own way of taking
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    control and making things fair and fun and also being able to further bond with each other. It's a small company and we're all pretty close. Especially us hourly folks.
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    Two, the company is shutting down on December 31st and this is a way for us to kind of go out on a high note in regards to our friendships and work
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    relationships. Some of us may never see each other again. It's been a good bonding experience for us in the past so I figured we should do it one last time while we can.
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christmas boss corporate employee Professional At Work work coworkers Secret Santa relationships workplace santa girlboss holidays
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