Sister demands her 4 siblings contribute $10,000 to gift their late mother's caregiver, claims she'll take the money from their mothers' estate if they don't pay up: 'She's also keep extra money for herself.'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Dec 18, 2025 8:00 AM EST

There's something very shady about what's unfolding here.

Choosing the right person to be the trustee of an aging family member's estate is of the utmost importance. You need to be able to trust that person to do right by their family member, even if it goes against their personal interests and vices. If you make the most irresponsible brother the trustee of the estate, there's a pretty big chance that he's not going to do what the late family member wanted him to do with it. It's obviously illegal for him to take the money meant for other family members and spend it on motorcycles or delivery food, but the hassle of getting that money back and suing him for misuse of those funds is not worth going through. Sometimes, it's best not to make a family member a trustee of an estate; instead, ask a trusted friend to do it. Family members have their own biases and might not act in each other's best interests. Someone might get hurt because they're not getting the amount of money they think they deserve, even though the deceased's intentions are written in the will, black and white, clear as day. 

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  • The sister in this story asks all her siblings to use their money to give their late mother's caregiver a generous bonus. She wants to gift her $50,000, but not all of the siblings are on board for funding such a costly present.

  • Elderly grandmother and an adult granddaughter outside in spring nature hugging
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • Am I the bad guy for not wanting to give my moms caregiver 10k bonus?

    I'm looking for outside opinions: Is this a reasonable request? Should this be voluntary rather than expected? How do people usually handle situations like this?
    via u/Ughimab*tch
  • She's forcing this on us. Either we give her the 10k each or she will use the estate to pay her the 50k and also keep extra money for herself... Please who is in the wrong here?
    via u/Ughimab*tch
  • My sister is kind of forcing this upon everyone OR she will change my mom's state a trustee fee (she's in charge of that) to give money to the caregiver.
    via u/Ughimab*tch
  • Some of us feel that while the caregiver did meaningful work and deserves appreciation, this is a very large amount to ask and wasn't discussed or agreed upon beforehand.
    via u/Ughimab*tch
  • Man in black jacket standing beside body of water during sunset
    via Aarón Blanco Tejedor

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • My sister now wants to give the caregiver an additional $50,000 gift and is asking each of the five siblings to contribute $10,000.
    via u/Ughimab*tch
  • My mom passed away after being cared for by a private caregiver for about 9 months. The caregiver was paid for her services during that time.
    via u/Ughimab*tch
  • Unrecognizable senior woman in wheelchair with a health visitor at home at Christmas time
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • Is it reasonable to ask siblings to contribute $10k each as a gift to a caregiver?
    via u/Ughimab*tch
  • aeraen And, how, exactly, will you be able to verify that $50k actually went to the caregiver?
    via u/aeraen
  • OP Ughimabitch No idea bc it would be a "tip"
    via u/Ughimab*tch
  • Neat-Neighborhood595 I'm leaning towards NTA, but I'm really just confused. What is your sister's explanation for this bonus? Was the caregiver underpaid/no paid for overtime and this what's owed? If your mom should have paid it, and you're now trying to walk away and let bygones be bygones, then you are the AH. But if your sister is just feeling charitable, you may need to speak with a lawyer about how much latitude she has to carry out her own will versus your mother's.
    via u/Neat-Neighborhood595
  • OP Ughimabitch My sister just wants to give her a bonus for taking care of our mom... She was paid for this. This was not a free job. And she is kind of forcing her hand on this
    via u/Ughimab*tch
  • AdAdmirable433 Is this USD? That's absolutely wild. From a tax standpoint tho, let her take it out of the estate. You've already paid taxes on your 10k and would pay taxes again when it is dispersed to you
    via u/AdAdmirable433
  • OP Ughimabitch Yes USD. Crazy
    via u/Ughimab*tch
  • SheepherderLong9401 Seems like rich people problems. If you and sister are not extremely wealthy its a joke you would give someone 50k just for 9 months, definitely because she was already paid.
    via u/SheepherderLong9401
  • OP Ughimabitch Absolutely no rich problems. Which is why I'm here asking Reddit for help because I thought maybe IM the crazy one for not doing 10 k
    via u/Ughimab*tch
  • Onid3us Querry: How intensive was the care required for your Mother? How happy was she from said care? Was this her first care giver, or had she previous ones that weren't as good? All of these things factor in. Yes she received a wage, but if you mother left a sizable estate, and her quality of life was significantly improved in her closing days. There could be a good justification for it. I have seen end of life care givers become added into the beneficiary list due to how close the get to the
    via u/Onid3us
  • OP Ughimabitch She was an amazing caregiver. All she did was spend time with her and feed her nothing too hard. Since we all work. We love her and agree she deserves a bonus. We just think 50k and out of the blue is crazy.
    via u/Ughimab*tch
  • Some_word_some_wow NTA- lawyer now. This is a suspiciously high amount and I'd almost bet her game plan doesn't include the caregiver getting the full 50k, or possibly any of it given how hard she's pushing this.
    via u/Some_word_some_wow
  • Just River 7502 Talk to a lawyer about your mums estate, this is not how a trustee is supposed to operate but laws vary etc etc. NTA but go speak to a lawyer!
    via u/Just_River_7502
  • yellsy Lawyer here, not yours. As everyone else said, you need a lawyer asap or to let your sister know that you will hire one if she attempts to abuse her fiduciary duty to spend estate money outside of the appropriate channels. $50k is an insane amount and totally out of control - if she asked for $1k per sibling that would be ok maybe ($5k). The reality is most caregivers don't get a bonus.
    via u/yellsy
  • OP Ughimabitch Hi all thank you for the replies. I want to clarify I DO want to give her caregiver a big bonus because we really appreciate her. Was thinking maybe 5-7 k between all 5 of us. We are absolutely in NO financial position to give anyone 10k speacially 10k Each. I needed the reassurance that this was a crazy ask... I wasn't sure if I'm too upset about my mother's passing that I was being irrational. Thank you all
    via u/Ughimab*tch

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caregiver lawyer brother siblings gift sister estate mom money law
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