Parents pressure teenage daughter go to expensive out-of-state school instead of her in-state choice, call her a 'spoiled brat' for accepting their help: 'I want to know I can stand on my own two feet'

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Jan 4, 2026 10:00 AM EST

You know what they say, more money, more problems. This is a gross oversimplification of how wealth can corrupt us, but it remains true. Some people learn this the hard way. If you grow up without much, and then you suddenly are in a privileged position, it might still be hard to get rid of that scarcity mindset. That's the kind of thing that will stay with you for a long time. Or if you grew up with a lot and lose everything, it can take you a long time to rebuild your sense of inner worth. This all comes into even clearer focus when you become a parent. Because all of your problems start to become your child's problems, whether you want them to or not. It's important to figure out your relationship with money and to raise your child with a clear sense of it. Whether you insist on paying for everything for their whole lives, or whether you're going to push them to stand on their own 2 feet, it's important to be communicative about this. 

Relationships with children are also two-way streets. If they start to express discomfort with the way you treat money, then you should listen to them. It doesn't always have to be a top-down decision. This family was in the middle of that kind of conversation when their daughter was about to go to college. College is a huge financial burden for many people. But it's also one of the first times as a teenager when you get to assert your independence. 

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  • A mom and a teenage daughter have an argument
    via Unsplash+ (Curated Lifestyle)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • The daughter in the story was trying to make a life for herself without reliance on her parents, and her parents weren't quite ready to let her. She wanted to start saving money so she could be fully independent from her family, and her family was using money to continue to control her. She was left, caught in the middle, unsure of what to do. One path led to independence, but potential conflict with the family, while the other compromised her own sense of self. Scroll on to read the full story and understand what was happening here.

  • Am I wrong for refusing the college my parents insist on even though they're paying all because they called me a "spoiled brat"?

    I feel guilty even writing this because on paper I sound ungrateful. My parents gave me so much. I know that. That's what makes this so hard. Around covid my family's life changed financially. My mom became a professor at a well- known college, and my dad got a high-paying job in the oil industry. Since then, I've been able to do things I never imagined like travel, concerts, building a vinyl
    via u/Amazing_Internet7355
  • collection, experiences most people my age don't get. I'm painfully aware of how privileged that makes me and I've always tried to be grateful. But somewhere along the way, the generosity started to feel like a leash.
    via u/Amazing_Internet7355
  • This year I applied to college and was accepted into 12 schools (my parents know about 9). I earned a super strong scholarship to an in- state university that is genuinely incredible for my intended major. If I go there, I could graduate with little to no debt and realistically afford grad school on my own. For the first time I saw a future where I wasn't financially trapped.
    via u/Amazing_Internet7355
  • My parents want me to attend a prestigious out-of-state school instead. It's expensive, not particularly strong for my field, but it has a name that impresses people. They talk about it proudly to their friends as if the decision is already set in stone. I've even told people I'm committed even though I always wonder about the other school.
    via u/Amazing_Internet7355
  • The same pattern shows up when it comes to work. My parents won't let me get a job. I don't want one because I need spending money I want one because I want to feel capable. I want to know I can stand on my own two feet. Sometimes it feels like they're more comfortable if I don't.
    via u/Amazing_Internet7355
  • What hurts most is how they talk about me to other people. Around friends and family they call me a "spoiled brat" who throws fits until she gets what she wants. Hearing that said out loud about me feels like being punched in the chest. It isn't true. When I ask to do something and they say no, I accept it. I know it's their money. I don't yell or throw tantrums. But the story they tell makes me feel small, embarrassed, and ashamed of things I didn't even do.
    via u/Amazing_Internet7355
  • I finally found a loophole through my school's agriculture program, which lets students take half days and work the other half at a veterinary clinic. I love it there!!! It feels like the closest thing I've had to purpose in a long time. My parents agreed to it but only if I wasn't paid.
    via u/Amazing_Internet7355
  • When the clinic later offered to pay me I turned it down because I was scared of upsetting my parents. I told myself the experience was enough. Still, it stung knowing I was doing the same work as paid employees while being reminded I wasn't allowed to earn my own money.
    via u/Amazing_Internet7355
  • One day, I opened up to the veterinarian I intern with. She told me she'd lived through something similar and eventually had to cut her family off. I don't want that. I love my parents they have given me so much. But the fact that someone else recognized this pattern terrified me.
    via u/Amazing_Internet7355
  • At Christmas, I gave her a small gift. Later, she Venmo'd me more than I realistically would've earned working there. (She already had my Venmo from times I'd pick up drinks for the team so that's how she had my Venmo). I cried harder than I expected. It wasn't about the money it was about being seen. About someone acknowledging my effort and my worth without conditions.
    via u/Amazing_Internet7355
  • The more I sit with all of this, the more I realize how afraid I am of staying dependent forever. Of being pushed into an expensive school so I'll always need help paying off loans. Of never knowing if I was capable on my own because I was never allowed to try. So I'm asking strangers because | don't know who else to ask AITA?
    via u/Amazing_Internet7355
  • A teenage girl holds her head in her hands, upset
    via Unsplash+ (Curated Lifestyle)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • Commenters gave their takes on the situation.

    nostraferatu NTA. If you can pay your own way then you are clearly not spoiled. It's your future so if you can afford it and get a good job then study what and where you want.
    via u/nostraferatu
  • ProfessorDistinct... NTA. Go to the in-state school. Cut that financial strangle hold they have over you and live your best life. Good luck, OP!
    via u/ProfessorDistinct835
  • Avalonisle16 Do NOT go to the more expensive school - you don't want to be trapped with high student loans. Also what if your parents finances change and they can't afford the high end school anymore? I'm glad you're looking to keep things simple and inexpensive
    via u/Avalonisle16
  • OverRice2524 Guess what! You're about to become an adult! Yay! That means you are responsible for your choices, not your parents. You sound like a good kid. Make a rational choice, make sure it makes sense. Keep talking to vet lady. As soon as
    via u/OverRice2524
  • possible, get a bank account and keep money there. Just to be safe, don't bank where your parents bank. Make sure to keep your birth certificate, Social Security card, and driver's license where you can access them easily and your parents can't take them. As soon as you turn 18 or graduate, have a plan ready to move to your school. Good luck!
    via u/OverRice2524
  • bella18510 NTA. Sounds like your parents just want bragging rights so they can tell their friends that their daughter is going to (insert name of prestigious school here). Follow your instincts. I worked at a private university for 30 years and I truly believe
    via u/bella18510
  • they're way overpriced for an undergraduate degree. Once you graduate, get out in the world, and are sure that your chosen field is the one, then go to grad school at the name school. Plus, you won't be paying off loans until you're fifty or sixty.
    via u/bella18510
  • Traveling-Techie The part about them demanding you don't get paid for work you do shows that at the root of this is their desire to control you with money. Plan your escape. They will think of other names to call you. Stay strong.
    via u/Traveling-Techie
  • Shrimps_Prawnson You can be independent and poor or tethered and wealthy. Unfortunately this is how the cookie crumbles. Some of us only the the option of being independently poor or tethered and still poor.
    via u/Shrimps_Prawnson
  • Life_and-whatnot That's really tough, I'm sorry. You are not TA. I recommend just going to the school you want. If possible, i'd also say, see about earning money from your job. Start a savings, go to the school you want and start being independent from your parents. I don't mean cut them off but start to separate yourself from their 'leash'. You're not a dog, stop letting them treat you like one.
    via u/Life_and-whatnot
  • Their intentions, from what you said, are both good and bad. So however you want to approach this is up to you and how you think they'd react but I do think you need to set some boundaries.
    via u/Life_and-whatnot
  • MarcSkye519 Sugar, it's time to put on your big girl pants, tell the parents you love them, but you only get one life and you have to live it your way. Graduating college with little or no debt would put you so far ahead of the crowd. That alone is a major problem for so many
    via u/MarcSkye519
  • people and just because a college has a prestigious reputation doesn't mean you'll get a better education there. Do what's best for you. ALWAYS!
    via u/MarcSkye519
  • Maggie OS1 NTA, it's control and you need to break that. They won't like it, but hopefully they'll get over it. Go to the school that benefits YOU, it's YOUR future. Time to get a back bone here and express yourself.
    via u/MaggieOS1
  • cateri44 NTA. Adulthood means being free to pursue what is good, as you understand it and define it. And being free to pursue that good in the way that makes sense to you, and in the way you are able to pursue it. Parents can define the good and direct the path
    via u/cateri44
  • up to a certain point - past that point, the best thing is if they act as mentors, providing resources and guidance towards achieving YOUR goals. If they don't transition to mentor, they are impeding your growth. You feeling tethered is a sign that they aren't making that transition.
    via u/cateri44

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teenagers finance money problems parenting raising teens Parenting Fail college children
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