4-year-old asks mom if she could take a break from being mad 2 days in a row: 'I feel like I’m ruining my kids. I do not want to be the mad mom.'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Dec 29, 2025 8:00 PM EST

That's such a hard thing to hear when you're struggling.

One of the hardest things about being a parent is that you can unintentionally mess your kid up for life doing something that you consider insanely banal. A one-off comment you made once when your kid was 14 can hurt them so badly that they'll have to get therapy for years to recover from the emotional pain of it. Of course, that's an extreme case, but you rarely know as a parent how much your words stick with your kids. Some kids never tell their parents how much they hurt their feelings, even when they're adults and have moved on. Sometimes it's best just to accept the hurt and move on, because bringing up old scars makes everyone involved hurt even more. 

It's common for a teenager to bite their tongue when their parents' behavior hurts their feelings, but young kids tend to be more honest, for better or for worse. Out of the mouths of babes comes the brutal truth, and it's often a truth parents struggle to accept. It can be hurtful when your little boy says, "I love cuddling with mommy because she's big and soft," but you should take such an innocent comment as just that instead of seeing it as a veiled insult. If a kid is hurting emotionally because their parents are hurting, this hurt will be more obvious when they're young and are more willing to articulate their feelings without the fear of hurting their parents' feelings. 

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  • A mother with daughter with luggage waiting at trains station
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

  • The mom and the daughter in this story are both hurting, and the daughter's hurt can't solely be blamed on the mother. The mom is going through marriage counseling with her husband despite wanting a divorce, and it's taking a toll on her emotionally. Her daughter is picking up on the anger behind this, and she's asking her mom to make a change that can't be made in a day or two.

  • My 4-year-old just asked me if I could ‘just try’ to take a break from being mad for two days in a row

    It's the second time she's asked this in a week. The first time I said, "I'm not mad today," and she said, "well can you try for two days in a row."
    via u/Own_Bee9536
  • So today she told me that she wants to be just like me when she grows up and I said that was very sweet and that's why I try to set a good example for her and that's when she hit me with the post title again.
    via u/Own_Bee9536
  • The thing is I wouldn't even consider myself an angry person. Like I am not a grumpy person. I am overstimulated and stressed out and I do raise my voice
    via u/Own_Bee9536
  • Woman apologizes to her friend after fight repentant woman hope for forgiveness from sad pensive friend
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • more than I would like (I always apologize for it and talk about feelings) and sometimes I make a face that they probably know means trouble.
    via u/Own_Bee9536
  • And I know why. My husband and I are in couples therapy. We have been for six months since I asked for divorce and leaned into couples therapy instead. Progress is so slow and we're still not aligned on basic fundamental aspects of
    via u/Own_Bee9536
  • marriage and parenting. We still have a long list of things to talk about. Add to this that he's still ing heavily and still covertly doing things he's supposed to be changing. Yet when I bring it up in therapy, I'm 'keeping score.' I have
    via u/Own_Bee9536
  • Couple explaining to professional psychologist situation inside of family and listening advices and ways of solving problems lady psychologist
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • seen some changes in him so I've been trying to be hopeful that it will all click one day. I feel like I'm ruining my kids. Like I do not want to be the mad mom. I do not want to be the mom where the
    via u/Own_Bee9536
  • teacher asks about mom and my kids says, "well usually she is mad at us." I literally cried through my youngest's bedtime routine and now I can't stop. My heart feels so broken. I don't want to fail them.
    via u/Own_Bee9536
  • cutieconsultant Being the one who had the "angry mom" growing up, and now as an adult finally seeing my mom post divorce from my dad really relaxed and happy I kind of mourn the mom we could have had. There's definitely pros and cons to the fact she stuck it out with my dad, and those memories | will cherish but also wonder about. You already know it's the unhappy marriage bleeding into your relationship with your children. Having been that kid, whatever you can do to not have that energy around
    via u/cutieconsultant
  • OP Own Bee9536 I think you've hit it. The random cherished moments are why I'm trying so hard in couples therapy. We do have moments of fun and it's not all bad which makes it so hard. But in these moments, I just feel like I remember being relaxed and happy and want to feel like that again. I don't want to look at my marriage as sticking it out m. Thanks for sharing your experienfe
    via u/Own_Bee9536
  • HotAtheistChick420 It sounds like you have a 4 year old who is very attuned to her emotions and those of the people around her. That is because you show her a variety of emotions (not just the Stepford, perfect mom) and acknowledge those emotions and take accountability when you make a mistake. My son is a VERY strong-willed child. He is also 4. I've always been the "chillest" person in the room. I have lost my ever-loving shit since having this boy. But I'm growing and learning. And teaching hi
    via u/HotAtheistChick420
  • OP Own_Bee9536 Thank you. A very big part of me is very proud of her for being able to say that to me and know that I wouldn't get mad at her for saying it to me.
    via u/Own_Bee9536
  • Lissypooh628 Work on yourselves separately. Having him under the same roof isn't helping. It has been 6 months and you still have a list of things to address? Make him go so you can be a more present mom for your kids. Having him there allows you to see all the shit he still isn't doing.... or is doing.
    via u/Lissypooh628
  • OP Own Bee9536 Yeah, we leave every session with two or three topics for the next session(s) and often will pick up another topic in the week between sessions. We haven't had sex in over a year and we haven't even touched that topic apart from agreeing that we have different libidos.
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  • Crafty_Alternative00 Having two under two and looking at this from the other side, i.e. divorce, you might still get some of those moments. Our son was doing something really cute about Santa during a handoff, and we both smiled and looked at each other and enjoyed the moment. And then I get to walk away from his ineptitude and entitlement and go back to my peaceful home. I do think Reddit downplays how serious and difficult and expensive divorce is. But I also think that the price can be worth
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  • OP Own Bee9536 It's ironic because like eight months ago, I thought there might be a world where we could both attend family functions as divorced coparents and really get along as friends but he was adamant about staying in the marriage.
    via u/Own_Bee9536
  • Ecclesiastes3_ Also she wrote in her post that she asked for a divorce and instead leaned into marriage counseling (idk if that was her idea or not?) where he's not even taking it seriously. So she should go back to her original plan and get a divorce.
    via u/Ecclesiastes3_
  • OP Own Bee9536 I wanted a divorce. He wanted couples counseling. We tried discernment counseling and I agreed to do couples counseling. The thing is that he believes he is taking it seriously because he has made some changes.
    via u/Own_Bee9536
  • vintagegirlgame This... as a relationship coach (for women) we see it a lot in our program where couples therapy usually comes with the expectation that the therapy is intended to change him until he aligns with what the woman wants him to be/do... this is not a healthy way to improve a relationship and is a set up for the man to resist and the woman to be disappointed. What works is focusing on improving yourself and your self care and making YOU happy. Not waiting for a therapist to change him
    via u/vintagegirlgame
  • OP Own Bee9536 Il do want to clarify that I'm not expecting him to be a completely different person to move forward and I don't nah him. These are solely internal observations I've noted for my own individual therapy. But I'm not nagging him about changing, even though some of them were explicitly requested. Like one of the things is throwing things when he's mad. Not unreasonable to ask but recently happened again. So idk it's not something like he keeps keeps throwing his dirty clothes on the
    via u/Own_Bee9536
  • vancitygirl_88 Sounds tough all around. Honestly though, I would focus on yourself and your kid. Don't waste mental cycles and emotional energy on what your husband is doing or not doing. Take care of yourself and show up for your kid. Let him decide if he wants to do the same.
    via u/vancitygirl_88

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marriage toddler kids therapy parenting husband angry family daughter mom
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