35+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week

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  • 01
    Katie D @KatieDeal99 I told a student I got coal once for Christmas and he said "that was probably a useful gift in the time you grew up" 6:06 PM 12/22/25 2.3M Views 502 17 6.8K 193K 3.9K 企
  • 02
    LOVE artschoolreject ❤ @artsch00lreject God grant me the serenity to accept the things that are so over, the courage to say fuck it we ball, and the wisdom to know when we are so fucking back 4:37 PM 12/24/25 390K Views . . 143 1 6.1K 27K ☐ 2.9K ↑
  • 03
    Yuta @rlevi aw man i thought it was full of multivitamins and antioxidants O Pain @078 1d The reality of what's inside the vapes... you're literally smoking a battery LOST MARY BM600 TRIPLE MANGO 9:39 AM 12/23/25 3.7M Views 190 ↑ 8.1K K 164K 1.5K 企
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    matt @mattybtweets69 30,000 pages of the naughty list have been released, heavily redacted by The North Pole of course 2:52 PM 12/24/25 382K Views 15 12.3K 33K 877 企
  • 05
    bita @_b33ts I hate having a gay brother because what do you mean he wrapped our Christmas gifts in leather- textured paper & wax stamped them with his personal logo bita. be The Perum 12:04 PM 12/25/25 3M Views 934 15.2K Sazi & bike 164K 7.5K 企
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    henrock @henrock Praying none of yall are unwrapping podcast equipment 10:08 AM - 12/25/25 1.5M Views 326 18K 95K ☐ 1.9K
  • 07
    CEO of Antifa @CrazyWeeMonkey big fan of this plushie my dad got me ALT FRONT TOWARD FRIEND 2:10 PM 12/25/25 489K Views 64 1.9K 39K 2.4K ↑
  • 08
    @heavensbvnny No babe your 10 minute incremental alarms starting a full hour before you actually get up only make me love you more 9:35 PM 12/25/25 2.4M Views 114 17 4K 92K 4.3K 企
  • 09
    Ross Sayers @Sayers33 Saw a girl in a Franz Ferdinand t-shirt. She couldn't even name 3 other main causes of the outbreak of World War I 5:14 PM 12/24/25 3.3M Views 292 1 6.4K 102K ☐ 2.6K
  • 10
    the human sadiepede 2 @hell_doe for christmas i'm surprising my dad with a calendar full of swimsuit babes unhappily posing with carps 1:46 AM 12/21/16 31 • 116 23 30 17381 3.6K ☐ 404 企
  • 11
    A Moneyball Memes @MoneyballMemes Santa, this is Rudolph. He is one of the most undervalued reindeer in the North Pole. His only defect is he has a red nose. FALER ECLES Rucnt Shames WIN RECORD OAK 781456 2001 S-65 1147481 6525 6296 106-56 EXPECTED ACTUAL EXPECTED ACTUAL 102-60 804 2002 PROTECTION BIT 101 3L31 6143 -99-63 0-0 SEA 2001 859729 72 52968 6861 71601-51 728500 99-63 1700.6097 64646 5597 5864 91-71 154785 6178 <-100-11 2:05 PM 12/24/25 1.1M Views 47 12.9K 37K ☐ 1.3K ↑
  • 12
    one dozen rats in a pear tree @PanasonicDX4500 they're bluffing when they say you can still get knocked off the nice list this late in the game. santa's been delivering gifts in japan for hours by now; that list is locked, do whatever you want. • 12:08 PM 12/24/25 · 1.5M Views 193 12K 120K 3.9K ↑
  • 13
    This muliii @muliwithanm year the feliz is not navidading 1:15 AM 12/24/25 1.8M Views Q 172 17 27K 121K ☐ 3.4
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    coral @arabelladevine just realised the flight i thought was in two days (to JAPAN) (for TWO WEEKS) is in six hours. incredible work • 2:48 PM 12/22/25 3.2M Views 159 1.1K 126K 1.6K .↑.
  • 15
    marmot @MarmotRespecter pretty sure some construction workers were up there first 4 DiscussingFilm @DiscussingFilm. 1d Timothée Chalamet has become the first person to appear on top of The Sphere in Las Vegas 9:50 PM 12/22/25 832K Views 93 7 2.2K 63K 426 企
  • 16
    Did he, or did he not, pick up a large sour cream??????? Donna McAdams @thehicklife . 1d I asked my husband to pick up a large sour cream. Here it is next to a gallon of milk. 5 lbs. The damn thing weighs 5 lbs. 2 PURE VALUE WHOLE MILK Nutrition Facts Serving size 1Cup (340m) OUR FARMERS PLEDGE NOT TO USE ARTIFICIAL GROWTH HORMONES GRADE A 150 1 GAL (3.78 L) 3-999 Daisy BRAND SOUR CREAM Pure & Natural 5 Lbs (2.27kg)
  • 17
    SuperSisi @SuperSisi Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this 6:03 PM 12/22/25 1.7M Views 293 4.7K 75K ☐ 2K ↑
  • 18
    silent nate, holy nate @MNateShyamalan [first day as a shepherd] boss: where are you going? me: [pointing] star boss: what? why me: [shrugging] baby • 8:04 PM 12/22/25 631K Views 43 14.1K 58K
  • 19
    A @seattleiminyou Found out last night that people are in much different tax brackets than me. I told someone I got a flat tire and they recommend I go ahead and replace all of them. ALL OF THEM. LOOOOLLLLLL 12:53 PM 12/22/25 1.9M Views 405 14.9K 109K ☐ 1.8K ↑
  • 20
    quiinta @quiintassential 3 minutes into the uber ride home and the app tells me my driver JUST arrived GIF ALT • 10:50 AM 12/22/25.2.4M Views 339 176.6K 212K 6.9K 企
  • 21
    Commander @commandderr You look like a bisexual squirrel Cjay @ced_jayy. 10h im not like your boyfriend ✗, i know how to dress • 10:41 AM 12/23/25 976K Views 694 4.1K 45K ☐ 730
  • 22
    Oh Chale. @Tbag_1 my mum is begging me to marry and have a kid because "I work". I begged this woman to buy me a PS2 console when I was 10. She did NOT. We shall see 6:28 AM 12/22/25 2.8M Views 748 16K 183K ☐ 7.5K ↑
  • 23
    Roy Drones Jr @chiweethedog I'm convinced I could move to England and be a Michelin star chef there Bashy Mc @BashyMc1.1d Some cheeseburger that 5:30 PM 12/22/25 1.4M Views 17 5K 87K ☐ 760 ↑
  • 24
    Sara Schonfeld @SaraSchon boyfriend is back in his small hometown for the holidays. called to say his dad is going to the ER, but it's okay because my boyfriend knows the attending in high school, he had a crush on the doctor's daughter. I've seen enough Hallmark movies. I'm getting on a plane. 10:11 AM 12/23/25 1.3M Views . 243 17 2.2K 75K ☐ 2.4K ↑
  • 25
    Null @Vhoyde There are no wives left. Just side chicks and situationships. Pop Base @PopBase 9/18/24 Tupperware has filed for bankruptcy. Pieces 3.5 cups) Base & Lid Tupperware Heritage Medium Bowl Lock in freshness and flavor with Tupperware's iconic quality and style OH DI 10 13152 9:13 AM 12/22/25 1M Views 152 17 3.8K Tupperware Heritage Medium Bout Kingst Axar 46K 1.6K
  • 26
    Bob Golen @BobGolen Someone wished me Merry Chrysler, but I didn't have the heart to tell them I celebrate Toyotathon, so I just said Happy Honda Days. 11:21 AM 12/25/25 648K Views 72 14.4K 44K 1.5K ↑
  • 27
    Greg the Sorcerer @gregthesorcerer They milked him?? AMIN D ONE PINT (473 m) BELL IN TIL 100% FARMER DairyPure the Cook 111 FAR 14 26 13:20 TT 51 49-01 100% FARMER OWNED Dairy Pure DON'T FORGET the cookies FOR SANTA Da Santa's Milk WHOLE MILK ULTRA-PASTEURIZED VITAMIN D ONE (473 Santa's Milk WHOLE MILK ULTRA-PASTEURIZED VITAMIN D S WH ULTR ONE PINT (473 mb) ARMER.. R 426 18:19 TT 51 49-01 100% FARMER OWNED airy Pure DON'T FORGET the cookies FOR SANTA 100% OWNED FARMER DairyPure DON' FORGET the c
  • 28
    Brilliant Unhinged @DistressDark Total Tvision HIDE A KEY LOOKS AND FEELS REAL SECURELY STORES KEY DISCREETLY HIDE YOUR SPARE KEY 11:17 PM 12/22/25 3.6M Views 311 17 9.9K 141K ☐ 3.2K 企
  • 29
    Beth McColl @imbethmccoll my dad created his own wordle for the family this morning and the solution was the name of the christmas booze me and my brother secretly drank last night 7:36 AM 12/22/25 1.7M Views • 128 2.1K 132K ☐ 2.3K 企
  • 30
    Gramps @GrandpaHarris65 Me: "Do you have any books on turtles?" Librarian: "Hard back?" Me: "Yeah, with little heads." 9:54 PM - 12/21/25 - 854K Views 13.4K 66K ☐ 1.
  • 31
    JUST MIH™M @HUMUORN I sued an airline when they lost my luggage. I lost my case CO DQ CD r สัตว์ Of coco B 160 1861 6659 12:45 AM 12/22/25 1.8M Views 542 15.2K 124K ☐ 2.4K ↑
  • 32
    Commander @commandderr She was seeing in 4K Ultra HD Cjay @ced_jayy.2d UK surgeon finds 27 missing contact lenses in woman's eye . 10:40 AM 12/20/25.5.8M Views 396 1 16K 234K ☐ 3.6K
  • 33
    Daniel @growing_daniel This is awesome. We don't need kids anymore because of Al. Garry Tan Y @garrytan. 9h My 10 year old got sick of coloring something and asked Nano Banana to finish coloring it and this is what it rendered 2:53 PM 12/21/25 1.6M Views 183 17 4.4K 92K 1.3K 企
  • 34
    erin @maizie_star sometimes i glance over at my boyfriend and he's just looking at google maps scrolling around 7:41 PM 12/25/25 3.8M Views . • 883 1 4.6K 139K ☐ 4.8K ↑
  • 35
    Brian Haley @brianchaley Taco Bell will always be better than Chipotle because Chipotle aspires to be respectable Mexican food when you're better off just going to a mid taco truck. Taco Bell aspires to be dogshit fast food and occasionally achieves greatness in its field. 11:28 AM 12/26/25 420K Views . 118 1 1.7K 24K 838 ↑
  • 36
    bobby @bobbyonmain my sister found a bellsprout lamp on ebay. i love him 10:02 AM 12/26/25 3.3M Views • 554 17 16K 283K 14K ↑
  • 37
    Curiosity ❤ @MAstronomers Chemistree

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