40+ of the freshest and funniest tweets of the week: 'I cannot stress enough how important it is to lie to your coworkers'

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  • 01
    alex forrest @ALEXFORREST sometimes i struggle to adjust to civilian life after coming home from the movies 3:18 PM 1/13/26 1.7M Views • 148 18K 156K ☐ 5.3K ↑
  • 02
    mariana Z @mariana057 I love the phrase "bear with me" because it can either mean "be patient" or "the zoo heist was a success" 11:33 AM 1/15/26 631K Views 131 1 5.4K 48K 1.8K .↑.
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  • 03
    youth code orange @thamosdeaf As a boy I always knew I wanted to grow up and use two factor authentication to access fast food reward points on an app 3:58 PM 1/14/26.1M Views ◇ 106 1 5.9K 103K 1.6K 企
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  • 04
    Megan Nyvold ❤ @MeganNyvold I am supposed to let my chili simmer uncovered for 60 minutes however I do not trust.... The Supervisor 7715 5:32 PM 1/14/26 1.5M Views 257 17 3.9K 123K ☐ 3.6K ↑
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  • 05
    The Nomad @KiranTheNomad Marvin Gaye did not have a single clue what was going on in the world Imaooo00 : MARVIN GAYE GOLD MURNINGUE MU WELLS Marvin Gaye Kin Weston MARVIN GAYE HELLO BROADWAY What's Going On Marvin Gaye What's Happening Brother Marvin Gaye Where Are We Going? Marvin Gaye How Deep Is the Ocean Marvin Gaye How High the Moon Marvin Gaye What's the Matter with You Baby Marvin Gaye & Mary Wells When Did You Stop Loving Me, Wh... Marvin Gaye What Good Am I Without You Marvin Gaye & Ki
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  • 06
    Heidi Stevens @Heidi Stevens13 I love how Trader Joe's warns you that parking is for Trader Joe's patrons only, as if anyone in their right mind would go near a Trader Joe's parking lot if they had literally any other option • 6:58 PM 1/15/26 727K Views 155 1.7K 44K 580 ↑
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  • 07
    jenna***..* @ranchm3taphor my gym is right next to a chuck e cheese and now my phone thinks I'm always with Chuck All Visits > You have 110 visits Chuck E. Cheese Yesterday New York • ... Chuck E. Cheese Jan 8 New York Chuck E. Cheese Jan 4 New York . Chuck E. Cheese Jan 3 New York 10:43 PM 1/13/26 1.8M Views 259 15.2K ... ... 205K ☐ 2.4K 企
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  • 08
    Soleil @soleiljolina Unfortunately I do enjoy being ruder to someone who was rude to me first 8:09 AM 1/14/26 1.5M Views • 137 126K 127K ☐ 3.1K ↑
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  • 09
    Greg the Sorcerer @gregthesorcerer These goblins pissed me off so I destroyed their village and turned it into a Chili's Mouse- • 5:02 PM 1/15/26 374K Views 128 1.4K CHILIS 21K 1.2K 企
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  • 10
    Blitz @MechaGoddess Went to local chinese place. Asked for an eggroll with my order. She tells me "it comes with eggroll." I stand there dumbfounded like some prophecy was just fulfilled 12:47 PM 1/15/26 2.2M Views 207 176.7K 167K 6.9K ↑
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  • 11
    lol. Imao. etc. fredesque @FredTaming good to see he got his coin back hood lord farquaad @hoodfarquaad.2d my friend was metal detecting and found a 400 year old coin!
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  • 12
    @manlikemk that "get a load of this guy" hand gesture is the top 2 hand gestures of all time 11:17 AM 1/14/26 3.6M Views . 312 8.7K 158K 6.3K ↑
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  • 13
    GameStop GameStop ✔ @gamestop $4 in store credit Dexerto @Dexerto 5h A video game collector has completed the entire Xbox 360 game library after 20 years He estimates it cost around $20,000 and includes 1,353 titles (360 • 12:37 PM 1/7/26.3.8M Views 2.1K 17 8.3K 116K ☐ 3.7K 企
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  • 14
    matt @mattybtweets69 I used to fear the black mold in my apartment bathroom but now I understand it. It's here to help me. It's here to make me feel good. 5:03 PM · 1/13/26 • 4.8M Views 556 17 15K 164K ☐ 7.5K
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  • 15
    microplastics epicurian @facetedcarapace | This actually occurred to me at age 20 after I ate a bag of mushrooms and took 20 bong rips but I'm glad they are finally doing the math All day Astronomy @forallcurious. 3d : Nobel prize winner physicists, Roger Penrose says the Big Bang was not the beginning of our universe, rather it was the end of the previous one 9:08 AM 1/14/26 4.7M Views 483 17 7.7K 142K 5.9K ↑ -
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  • 16
    daz⭑ @MetamateDaz Millennials: 'I worked myself to death and got nothing.' Gen Z: 'Cool, we're not doing that.' • 5:05 PM 1/13/26 1.5M Views 437 10K 111K ☐ 3.4K
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  • 17
    Harrison Ford @Harrison FordLA Indiana Jones would never lose his keys. I just did. Again. 12:07 AM 1/13/26 3.2M Views 3K 1 8.2K 158K ☐ 2.5K
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  • 18
    Neil Renic @NC_Renic I miss the evil billionaires who'd try to buy their way into heaven by funding massive public libraries 5:20 AM 1/14/26 1.8M Views 346 14K 190K 3.3K ↑
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  • 19
    Cigarette Nostalgia ✪ @CigsMake Zoomers don't know the feeling of listening to a banger song on the radio, buying the CD and having to realize the rest of the album is entire garbage. ggae H-M 8:02 AM 1/14/26 • 1M Views 1.2K 17 4K @irememberthatshit 134 62K ☐ 1.2K 企
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  • 20
    hersch @tittyrespecter the worst person you know is planning a trip to japan right now • 12:45 AM 1/15/26 1.9M Views 276 1.8K 22K 1.3K ↑
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  • 21
    ash // liam @hollanovstiel "oxford comma is a big sign of ai" you can pry the oxford comma out of my cold dead hands idci will never stop using her 11:45 AM 1/6/26 2.4M Views 621 17 30K 185K 3K ↑
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  • 22
    daz ✔ @MetamateDaz i cannot stress enough how important it is to lie to your coworkers 12:04 PM 1/5/26 3.8M Views 376 1 11K 171K 6.7K I
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  • 23
    Lux @thisislux fucked up in the crib sippin mr. pig piggly wiggly er LY FLANCHE FLO Mr.PIG NATURALLY&ARTIFICIALLY FLAVORED SODA 12-12 FL OZ CANS (144 FL OZ) 12-354 ml CANS (4.25 L) Piggly wiggly. Mr.PIG 12 FL 02 (354ml) 12 CAN PACK 5:43 PM 1/6/26 · 1M Views 229 17 3K PW ORANGE 82 LTR 2 LT 38538 00 37K 2K
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  • 24
    Doc @backendoc not staying over at this girl crib no more she got prongles and dr perky •••• Once You Pop. THAT'S GREAT! Prongle Prong essentials PER 12 FL OZ 150 0 CALORIES SAT FAT dr. perky 35 • 10:39 AM 1/15/26 707K Views 188 17723 16K ☐ 1.2K ↑
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  • 25
    sixfootcandy ❤ @sixfootcandy I was holding a bottle of Paul Newman salad dressing when my niece asked me who Paul Newman was. I told her he was an actor, basically the Brad Pitt of my mom's generation. Then she hit me with, "Who's Brad Pitt?" If anyone needs me, I'll be at the senior center eating applesauce. 12:46 PM 1/6/26 1.2M Views 2.5K 15.1K 70K ☐ 1.4K ↑
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  • 26
    Saurabh ✔ @TheOverman Ethos Business idea: A gym that only charges when you dont go. 9:30 AM 1/10/26 2.5M Views • 968 3.1K 64K 3K
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  • 27
    Hernan Cortes ❤ @CyberPunkCortes "We captured Maduro." "No you didn't." "He's in jail, in Brooklyn." "No he's not." Reuters @Reuters 1/3/26 Spain will not recognize US intervention in Venezuela, PM says reut.rs/4sq5sxq reut.rs/ 4sq5sxq • 9:25 AM 1/7/26 948K Views 109 11.9K 49K ☐ 1K
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  • 28
    BUNKIE Bunkie Perkins @BunkiePerkins I know a Jason Statham plot when I see one UK Politics UK @PolitlcsUK. 1d POLITICS NEW: The UK is sending a single military officer to Greenland at the request of Denmark to participate in a multi-nation exercise • 12:02 PM 1/15/26 698K Views 115 1.7K 20K ☐ 412 ↑
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  • 29
    Ornstein @poopswag34 Being a dad is probably fun because you're just smarter funnier and stronger than the people you spend 90% of your time interacting with (wife and children) and they respect and fear you (because of your drinking) • 7:29 PM 1/12/26 1.3M Views 110 1 1.4K 42K ☐ 2.4K 企
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  • 30
    skooks ❤ @skooookum When the nukes hit NYC I hope I get like 4 seconds minimum to hit the groupchat with "Imfaooo no way" 1:17 AM - 1/12/26 1.1M Views 125 17 2.5K 58K ☐ 1.4K
    via twitterlitter
  • 31
    Greg the Sorcerer @gregthesorcerer Pissing off my friends in valheim by building dollar generals • 6:16 PM 1/11/26 2.7M Views 379 15.2K KENERAL 88K 5.8K 企
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  • 32
    Alyssa Lang ⭑ @AlyssaLang I'm all for a morning airport beer. but the guy who just ordered a 6:58am old fashioned with his scrambled eggs just unlocked a new level I never knew existed 7:00 AM 1/10/26 628K Views • 551 451 13K ☐ 257
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  • 33
    Favs @favspopculture this sequence of photos of rosie huntington- whiteley and jason statham still makes me laugh • 12:47 AM 1/7/26 9.7M Views 585 17 2.6K 87K 15K 企
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  • 34
    The Original Man. @CompareTheNames Being able to doodoo everyday is a blessing. Don't ever take that for granted. Too many cursed & constipated people walking around angry. 9:32 AM 1/9/26 975K Views 245 17 8K 56K ☐ 2K
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  • 35
    blue @bluewmist someone told me yesterday that when they feel nervous about trying something new & their heart starts beating really fast, that they call it their "inner applause" because their body is cheering them on, and i think that's the best narrative adjustment ever. 10:51 PM 1/6/26-712K Views 137 17 11K 63K 9.1K ↑
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  • 36
    Willy Tolerdo @WillyTolerdoo Se nos va de las manos e Nicolás Maduro Nicolás Maduro 1500 Roppi misil gringo Cham 800 3:56 AM 1/7/26 3.4M Views 518 17 7.8K 94K 13K I
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  • 37
    mary @milevensgirl It now seems impossible that the duffer brothers wrote s1 they definitely stole it • 11:16 AM 1/4/26 1.4M Views 110 12.3K 85K ☐ 1.8K ↑
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  • 38
    Ozzy @Ozzyishere3 image the ending of ur show is so nothing burger that fans start thinking its fake ST Stranger Things Memes @SThings Meme 1d A growing conspiracy among some Stranger Things fans is that the finale is actually an illusion created by Vecna, and that the true ending will be released in a secret Episode 9. 10:37 PM 1/5/26 1M Views 127 173.2K 69K 1.5K
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  • 39
    * @reeceollld she looks like the entire cast of stranger things sam @sam_niac 1d kamala's step daughter could be the most beautiful woman in the world 1:59 PM 1/3/26 .5M Views 766 13K 353K ☐ 5.9K ↑
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  • 40
    miles mym @bylerlicious billy was flayed as fuck and being haunted by vecna and he still went to work...stop whining and start grinding A . 9:06 AM 1/5/26.6.2M Views 392 17 22K 293K 12K 企
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  • 41
    snart @bylerlawlight he showed him the finale hills @moonsinfant ⚫ 1d and we never got to see what vecna showed him.... GIF 4:57 PM 1/3/26 1.5M Views 59 17 6K 129K 1.7K ↑
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  • 42
    Amy Bruni @amybruni Airlines must *hate* air tags. My bags were lost yesterday and this is my third call with the airline where they try to blatantly lie about where my bag is - and I can just be like, "nope, that's not true at all." • 2:44 PM 1/4/26 6.2M Views 318 16.4K 253K ☐ 7.3K ↑
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