Adult son refuses to house narcissistic mother on visa after she demands he let her live with him and his partner: ‘Family members think I’m being heartless’

A parental relationship is like a dog leash. It's meant to keep you safe and comfortable, but if it's too tight, it can be detrimental.

Not the best analogy, I know. But when you think about the "isms" of helicopter parents, you usually think of a leash. Trying to control every aspect of a child's life, whether they are still children or are now adults, will never amount to much. Sure, every child needs guidance in every phase of their life; they're living it for the first time. When you start suffocating them and expect them to do everything for you at the drop of a hat, though, you might end up destroying your relationship, all because you couldn't understand boundaries.

That's the key to a functional, healthy relationship: boundaries. Back then, children were taught to respect their elders, that their parents didn't need to do anything for them, and they were doing it out of the kindness in their hearts. Spoiler alert: When you decide to have a child, doing the bare minimum for them isn't something you can use as collateral later in life. Parents should parent their children. Should a child drop everything they've built in their adult lives to do the same for their parents? Debatable. Scroll below to read a story with this exact dilemma.

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  • unhappy man looking at his phone expecting a phone call from his mother
    via Getty Images For Unsplash+

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • "AITA for refusing to let my mom stay with me in Canada even if she shows up anyway?"

    I (30s M) live in Canada. I went no contact with my mom (60s F) a few months ago after years of ongoing family issues.
    via bryan112
  • Recently things escalated badly. Context: my mom lives in the Philippines. I previously sponsored her under a parent super visa so she could visit Canada.
    via bryan112
  • During her last visit, we fought constantly. She kept saying I don't spend enough time with her, that I go out too much, and that I prioritize my partner over her.
    via bryan112

  • At what point do you prioritize the new relationships you've formed outside of your family unit? This story is a bit tricky because of the mother's visa status and the claim that she is all alone. Even still, the son is put in a very difficult position. Does he sacrifice his serious relationship and give in to his mother's tactics? Does he leave his mother to fend for herself while he continues to live an easy life?

    Whatever you think is the right thing to do, the son refuses to bend a knee to his mother, who he explains has had a difficult time adhering to boundaries he tries to set. It's not fun turning the other cheek to family in need, even if that family member might deserve it a little.

  • At the time, I was (and still am) in a serious long-term relationship. She repeatedly said she wanted to move in with me permanently because she's getting old and "doesn't know where to go." I told her clearly that my partner would not be comfortable living with another person, especially long-term.
    via bryan112
  • My apartment is small, and we planned it as a space for just the two of us.
    via bryan112
  • I also told her honestly that if she moved in, my relationship would probably fail because the constant pressure, guilt, and conflict during her last stay already caused tension between me and my partner.
    via bryan112
  • During her visit, she also showed controlling behavior. She constantly monitored security cameras back home to surveil my niece and would stay glued to her phone watching the feeds.
    via bryan112
  • She had emotional outbursts when I spent time with my partner and accused me of abandoning her.
    via bryan112
  • senior woman upset with her hands to her head
    via Getty Images For Unsplash+

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • Based on how that visit went, I know living together long-term would be unworkable and damaging to my relationship.
    via bryan112
  • She also has health issues, can't handle Canadian winters (she could barely walk in snow), can't legally work in Canada, and doesn't qualify for health coverage.
    via bryan112
  • I told her all of this before she went back home. Despite that, she keeps telling people she'll "just work" in Canada (like at Domino's or as a nanny) and believes that if she works there she'll get a pension.
    via bryan112
  • None of this is true or legal. A few days ago she escalated by contacting police for a wellness check on me (I'm fine) and messaging my old friends, who I already drifted away from for personal reasons.
    via bryan112
  • She also told my siblings her version of events. One brother got angry and cursed at me.
    via bryan112
  • Then everything suddenly went quiet; just that day of getting bombarded with messages and not a single thing after the following days..
    via bryan112
  • I'm now worried she might actually fly to Canada around February. She knows my address because she stayed here before.
    via bryan112
  • If she shows up unannounced, I plan to not host her and tell her I can't be involved because it would put both of us at legal risk if she tried to work while staying with me.
    via bryan112
  • Some family members think I'm being heartless and abandoning her. I think I'm just refusing to sacrifice my relationship, stability, and legal standing for a situation I already said no to.
    via bryan112
  • AITA?
    via bryan112

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