Simpsons Writer Shares Iconic, Original Steamed Hams Draft And Makes Our Year

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mattstaff
Jan 7, 2018 6:00 PM EST

This very well might be more historically significant than the damn Declaration of Independence. 

For those that don't know, Steamed Hams on Know Your Meme

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  • 01
    Text - "CHALMERS Vs. SKINNER" "22 Short Films" Segment by Bill Oakley FADE IN: INT. SKINNER Ss HOUSE FOYER - AFTERNOON The doorbell rings. Principal Skinner excitedly opens the door to reveal Superintendent Chalmers on the porch, with a bottle of wine. SKINNER Ah, Superintendent Chalmers, welcome. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable dinner INT. SKINNER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - a FEw SECONDS LATER As Chalmers sits in the dining room, Skinner returns to the kitchen and emits a HORRIFIED GASP wh
    via @thatbilloakley
  • 02
    Text - Bill Oakley Follow @thatbilloakley Steamed Hams, but it's the original first draft in a thread
    via @thatbilloakley
  • 03
    Text - 2. as my own cooking? (CHUCKLES) Ooh, delightfully devilish, Seymour He opens the window and starts climbing out. Just then, Chalmers enters the kitchen and sees Skinner climbing out the window while smoke bellows from the stove. Chalmers looks incredulous. FREEZE FRAME We hear the THEME MUSIC to "Chalmers vs. Skinner" (which incorporates something about how Skinner is always making up ridiculous lies and driving Chalmers crazy) over stills from their previous confrontations ACTION RESUME
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  • 04
    Text - 3. SKINNER Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouth-watering hamburgers! CHALMERS I thought we were having steamed clams SKINNER No, no. I said "steamed hams." That's what I call hamburgers CHALMERS You call hamburgers "steamed hams?" SKINNER Yes. It's a regional dialect. CHALMERS Hmm. What region? SKINNER Upstate New York CHALMERS I'm from Utica and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams." SKINNER Albany. It's an Albany expression FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER Skinner and Chal
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  • 05
    Text - 4. SKINNER Oh, no Patented Skinnerburgers. 1008 Skinner CHALMERS I've been to Krustyburger hundreds of times and these are identical to Krustyburgers. SKINNER Old family recipe No, no. CHALMERS For "steamed hams." SKINNER Yes. CHALMERS And you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they're obviously grilled? SKINNER (NODS) Mm-hm. CHALMERS I see. Skinner notices smoke curling up from under the kitchen door SKINNER (DABBING MOUTH WITH NAPKIN) Excuse me for one second He gets up, goes
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  • 06
    Text - 5. fire within, which illuminates the entire kitchen SKINNER (FAKE YAWN& STRETCH) Ahh. Well, a wonderful evening. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped CHALMERS Yes, I should be go-- (LOOKS AT WATCH) (SEES INTO KITCHEN) Good Lord! What's happening in there? SKINNER Aurora borealis CHALMERS Aurora borealis? ! At this time of year? At this time of da y? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen? SKINNER Yes CHALMERS (INTERESTED) May I see it? SKINNER No. FRONT POR
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  • 07
    Text - 6. (CALLING) No, Mother, it's just the Northern Lights. CHALMERS Well, Seymour, thank you for a pleasant dinner. Perhaps I can return the favor sometime. SKINNER I look forward to it As Chalmers leaves down the walkway, flames can be seen within every first floor window . SKINNER'S MOM (o.s.) Не1p! Нelp! Chalmers turns. Skinner smiles and gives him a big thumbs-up. back into the house Chalmers finally disappears, and Skinner races END OF SEGMENT
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  • 08
    Text - Joe Blevins Follow @Joe_A Blevins Replying to@thatbilloakley We were nearly denied "an unforgettable luncheon." FADE IN: INT. SKINNER' S HOUSE FOYER AFTERNOON The doorbell rings. Principal Skinner excitedly opens the door to reveal Superintendent Chalmers on the porch, with a bottle of wine. SKINNER Ah, Superintendent Chalmers, welcome. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable dinner INT. SKINNER' S HOUSE KITCHEN A FEW SECONDS LATER
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  • 09
    Text - t12 212 Donovan Howes @BlueAizu21 19h Replying to @thatbilloakley Memes aside, this is a great example of a TV script, and a first draft at that. Thank you so much for sharing!
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  • 10
    Text - t7 163 alex @lxbkhlf 23h Replying to @thatbilloakley Replacing dinner with luncheon was a good call
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  • 11
    Text - t 8 67 Dylan @dylbaum 21h VE Replying to @thatbilloakley Did you just start from "Chalmers visits Skinner" and take the farce as far as you could? Or what? Please, I have to know!
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  • 12
    Text - Bill Oakley t 16 180 @thatbilloakley 20h Replying to@dylbaum it was more that I wanted to do a long string of their usual interactions a la did that boy say what's a battle, no he said what's that rattle, etc
    via @thatbilloakley
  • 13
    Text - t 2 108 Windier E. Megatons @WindierMegatons 22h Replying to @thatbilloakley People will focus on what's missing but it's impressive how fully formed it was from the jump
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  • 14
    Text - t 5 85 Allie @reiley 22h he DOES say "ye gods!", not egads!! I feel vindicated
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  • 15
    Text - t 11 89 Mike @MikePettit89 15h Yes. Yes. A million times yes. One of the best bits of one of the greatest tv shows of all time. Still makes me laugh reading it.
    via @thatbilloakley
  • 16
    Text - t1 49 200 Beauty and King Dork @NeilNevins 23h This is more historically significant than the Declaration of Independence
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  • 17
    Text - t 3 58 mare @arials92 16h This is all I needed this year.
    via @thatbilloakley

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