24-year-old husband forces 23-year-old wife to cover all the bills from her paycheck, spends his money on whatever he pleases, while draining their savings

He should treat "his money" and "her money" like it's "their money," because it is!

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  • Sad bankrupt young African American family sitting at kitchen table feeling stressed while reading bills
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • Am I the bad guy for withdrawing our entire bank balance because my husband says his paycheck is “his” and mine is for bills?

    My husband (24M) and I (23F) have been married for two years. We both work and our paychecks go into the same joint checking account, but money has honestly been a weird issue between us since we got married.
    via u/[deleted]
  • When we first got married, he would not let me have access to our savings account at all.
    via u/[deleted]
  • I had to beg and cry before he finally added me to it. Even after that, he told me not to spend a single cent from it.
    via u/[deleted]
  • Right now the savings account has around $18,000 in it. Every week he automatically moves money
    via u/[deleted]
  • He puts $100 into savings, $100 toward his credit card, $100 into an Edward Jones investment account, and $100 into his 401k.
    via u/[deleted]

  • Notice that she says "his 401K" instead of "our 401K." I'm all for keeping old investment accounts from before you were married, but having such rigid boundaries between "his money" and "her money" isn't good for your marriage. At this point, she's the one who is fully supporting the family financially, and he's saving for "his" future. If he wanted to save for their future, he would let her have access to their savings. Part of me wonders if this money is actually going to his savings at all, or if he's using it for more nefarious purposes. If he wants to spend all his money on fun, I am dubious about his proclivity for saving. Maybe he's saving money so he can leave his wife, but that would be foolish, considering he can't support himself and whatever secret habit he has without his wife paying all of the bills.

  • Because of all that, he only actually brings home about $300 per week in spendable income.
    via u/[deleted]
  • A woman carrying a grocery basket of vegetables picks up a boxed water box
    via Boxed Water Is Better

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • The way he views our finances is that his paycheck hits the bank on Thursday and mine. hits on Friday.
    via u/[deleted]
  • In his mind the Thursday money is "his" to do whatever he wants with, and then my paycheck that comes in Friday is what we use to pay bills and cover living expenses.
    via u/[deleted]
  • The problem with that system is that when emergencies happen, the money almost always ends up coming from what I've saved or from the portion of money that would otherwise be mine.
    via u/[deleted]
  • For example, over the past year | saved about $4,000 from side work and extra income.
    via u/[deleted]
  • I was really proud of that because it took a lot of effort. I wanted to use that money to take my parents on an anniversary trip and I had already told them about it and everyone was really excited.
    via u/[deleted]
  • A man and a woman sitting on a couch holding hands during their 25th anniversary
    via Pablo Merchán Montes (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • But over time we had a bunch of emergencies and bills come up. Whenever something happened, the easiest money to pull from was the money I had saved.
    via u/[deleted]
  • Slowly that $4,000 got chipped away until now there's only about $900 left. Last night I found out that my husband has been saving money on the side for our upcoming Vegas trip and currently has about $2,600 saved.
    via u/[deleted]

  • This whole situation would be so much easier if they could communicate about money together. It's not as if this woman is spending any cash she gets her hands on! If anything, she's the financially responsible one in the relationship! Even if she wasn't, she deserves a seat at the table when discussing their money. Even if she didn't bring in any income at all and was staying home and raising kids, she deserves a seat at the table. Her husband is convinced his money should be for fun and the future, while she's draining her bank account now to support him. They need to get on an agreed-upon budget with no distinction between "his money" and "her money." It doesn't matter who gets paid first.

  • When I found that out, I asked him if he would consider splitting that money with me since I haven't really had the opportunity to save the same way.
    via u/[deleted]
  • My savings kept getting used for emergencies and household expenses. He told me that was my fault and that I should have saved better.
    via u/[deleted]
  • I tried explaining that I DID save. I had $4,000 saved but it ended up getting used for things that came up that we needed to pay for.
    via u/[deleted]
  • I told him I feel like I've been drowning in bills while he has been able to save because his paycheck is treated like personal money.
    via u/[deleted]
  • During that conversation he also told me that the reason he is saving so aggressively is because he wants to have retirement savings and he doesn't want to end up like me with no retirement.
    via u/[deleted]
  • I asked him what he meant by that because I thought the money he was putting into retirement accounts would eventually benefit both of us.
    via u/[deleted]
  • He told me no, that it was his retirement and not mine. I was honestly really frustrated and hurt by that.
    via u/[deleted]
  • So today when his paycheck hit our account, I withdrew the entire balance from our checking account which was about $1,800.
    via u/[deleted]
  • My reasoning was that I lost $4,000 covering emergencies and bills for both of us while he was able to save money separately.
    via u/[deleted]
  • If he believes I should have saved better, then I figured I would start taking that money back until I rebuild what I originally had.
    via u/[deleted]
  • I also plan to continue doing this and withholding my own paychecks until I get back to the $4,000 I originally saved.
    via u/[deleted]
  • Right now we have about $18,000 sitting in savings, so if he suddenly has to start pulling from savings to cover normal living expenses, he might understand what it felt like when my savings kept getting used.
    via u/[deleted]
  • He hasn't noticed yet, but eventually he will. Part of me feels justified because the current system feels really unfair and one sided.
    via u/[deleted]
  • But another part of me wonders if I crossed a line by withdrawing the money without telling him.
    via u/[deleted]

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