30+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week

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  • 01
    Sergey Nazarov @sergeynazarovx We used to go to a special website, ask strangers for help with programming, and get humiliated in return 8:48 AM 5/11/26 174K Views 86 17713 8.2K 328 ↑
  • 02
    Gilbert ❤ @AbakpaJob Few understand the importance of having a sick a jacket that everyone recognizes you by • 10:33 AM 5/13/26 3.4M Views 388 12K 114K 5.7K ↑
  • 03
    Interesting things @awkwardgoogle He needs to try a new color of pants when on TV LON ES FL NOL NFL ON • 2:11 AM 4/22/26 16M Views 2.1K 17 29K The Nightingale ANNA 584K 14K ↑
  • 04
    COW @cowincrisis thank you @googlemaps Wholesome Side of X@itsme_urstruly-2d Thankyou Google maps for protecting the cow's privacy K Google
  • 05
    Andy Ryan @ItsAndyRyan Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when another diner came over and said to me: "Can you shut up? You've got a very loud voice". I said: "My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn't that right?" And to her enormous credit she replied: "WHAT?" 5:37 PM 4/4/26.5.4M Views • 461 17 6.2K 294K 8K ↑
  • 06
    Ramin Nasibov ❤ @Ramin Nasibov Million dollar idea: Jazz bar named Horn Pub • 2:24 AM 5/12/26 475K Views • 74 565 8.6K ☐ 498
  • 07
    COW @cowincrisis that's why no jeep wrangler ever jumped over the moon Mechanical Knowledge @mechanical_4u.3d Recent test reveals that a cow is actually more aerodynamic than a jeep wrangler 0:05 1:47 AM 4/26/26-541K Views .
  • 08
    Bob Golen @BobGolen Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname. 6:36 AM 5/14/26 · 763K Views 112 15.3K 54K
  • 09
    Art Sports ArtButMakeltSports @ArtButSports Chrt Appearing to His Mother, by Juan de Flandes, 1496, via @Martin FLSheriff ΠΑΡΗ • Tiger Woods 2:15 PM 4/2/26.4.8M Views 163 1 6.5K 70K ☐ 4.1K ↑
  • 10
    Papii @ammalusty growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven't met a cody in years. where did they go. 8:00 AM 5/10/26 1.4M Views 497 1 2.4K 49K ☐ 1K ↑
  • 11
    devon @lerningtohunt Every time I go to Best Buy I look for the alien my dad taped to the ceiling 20 years ago when he worked there. Still going strong
  • 12
    Patrick Schwarzenegger ❤ @PSchwarzenegger You got no idea... garshmo @garshmo.2d Matthew McConaughey in kindergarten trying to spell his own name 11:26 AM 5/6/26 11M Views • 1.3K 17 25K 436K 9.6K
  • 13
    Berwyn Choobs ❤ @sabatonfan69 Dentists be like hello I am your dentist and this is my harem 9:13 PM 5/5/26 • 1.8M Views 194 17 3.5K 81K 4.3K 企
  • 14
    Chris @citehchris thought my date was going well but at the end she booped me on the head with her box of leftovers and said "take care sport" 8:25 PM 5/4/26 • 1M Views 156 17837 54K 1.6K
  • 15
    Terrible Maps ❤ @TerribleMaps The Pacific Ocean is so vast it could hold 16 Polands South Korea East China Sea Japan North South China Sea tnam Philippine Sea Philippines Indonesia Banda Sea Arafura & Papua New Guinea Coral Sea QLD Australia Great Australian Bight NSW Tasman Sea TAS New Zealand Pacific Ocean 7:40 AM 4/23/26 4.3M Views 237 1 2.1K South Pacific Ocean NO MT 50 WY NV NE United States A2 NM Gulf of Mexico Mexico Cuba Puerto Rico Guatemala Caribbean Sea Nicaragua Venezuela Gu Colombia
  • 16
    adam struggling uncle @strugglinguncle moms text you like "please call ASAP" and then you call and they're like "hello i am your mom" 3:09 PM 4/23/26 338K Views 28 t 2.1K 28K 963 ↑
  • 17
    Merriam-Webster Merriam- Webster @MerriamWebster choppelganger | noun | a less attractive version of someone or something 3:21 PM 4/22/26 2.1M Views 390 14K 109K ☐ 10K
  • 18
    MUGA Julia Pod @Jpod_art You have to choose one. Estonian haircut or Turkish moustache? EKRE KONSERVATIIVNE RANVAERAKOND 8:02 PM 4/20/26 3.9M Views 1.3K 171.9K 24K 2.3K ↑
  • 19
    Dave @tufdave Look what my dad texted in the family group after he walked my sister down the aisle to marry her 5th husband 15 i 5 People iMessage Today 9:37 PM Dad Emily I keep giving you away and they keep giving you back. 10:35 AM 4/18/26 - 982K Views Q 144 12.4K 82K 1.8K ↑
  • 20
    Corvelay @Mark Cam_3 pronouncing Bojangles like Los Angeles 11:25 AM 4/18/26 416K Views 40 11.8K 19K ☐ 88
  • 21
    one dozen rats at a keyboard @PanasonicDX4500 this is going to be like dropping a grey wolf into a petting zoo. TMZ TMZ @TMZ. 1d TMZDC Staff Starts Today!!! tmz.me/k3qcQAb MZDC 8:11 AM 4/14/26 1.3M Views 88 12.9K 49K 1.8K ↑
  • 22
    redt @_redfeels Throwing all my company's confidential info into ChatGPT to respond to one email 0:06 4:59 AM 4/14/26 1.1M Views 99 4.4K א 57K 1.7K ↑
  • 23
    Roro @RoRoFli IT guy: So now you press any button to continue. Me: *Presses power button.* IT guy: 10:41 AM 4/13/26 · 864K Views 162 15.2K 58K ☐ 1.5K ↑
  • 24
    Real Post Folder @RealPostFolder Tonight I had the privilege of hearing a 13 year old explain the terms "cooking" and "cooked" to my 45 year old manager and she said something so excellent I have to document it. "cooked is bad. cooking is good. you're either in the pot or you're holding it." 0:04 • 6:14 AM 4/6/26 2.2M Views 94 76.4K 92K 6.5K ↑
  • 25
    bennett @ImagineAGuy guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER??? • 1:36 PM 2/6/23 6.8M Views 176 1 33K 284K 5.5K ↑
  • 26
    @_sorrengailll They might find something new on the moon now they've sent a woman up to look. 3:38 AM 4/5/26 477K Views • 224 1 2.6K 36K ☐ 491
  • 27
    jxke. @cantguardjake Listening to my little league coach yell at us due to the stress over his impending divorce while | think about how i'm gonna tell him I left my cleats at home 8:57 PM 4/2/26 1.5M Views 129 17 4.8K 64K ☐ 2.8K ↑
  • 28
    TM SURROUNDED LES Spaceballs The X Account @Grunt2A Now that Artemis II has launched we have 10 days to get everyone on Earth a Planet of the Apes costume so we can do something hilarious when the astronauts return AA 81152 • 7:25 PM 4/1/26 2.1M Views 2.1K 1 19K 88K ☐ 2.3K ↑
  • 29
    Insert @Insert66438804 My wife is engaging in piracy at like tech illiterate 13 year old levels. She googled "Steven king It pdf" and I think just clicked on the first one 9:13 PM 4/28/26 7.1M Views 304 17 2.3K 117K 6.9K ↑
  • 30
    swinky @dumbassghoul you're on Very thick ice with me. i love you 11:54 PM 4/27/26 4.9M Views 236 1732K 281K ☐ 17K
  • 31
    Jackson Doud @JacksonDoud Dude behind me at lunch ordered "The usual." Got hit back with a "and that would be?" Has to be absolutely devastating. Can't even imagine. 12:14 PM 4/13/26 5.9M Views 433 12K 286K 7.2K
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    zach⭑ @blip_tm NDAs are a great way to keep your corporate secrets safe from 1 or 2 beers but not 3 beers 11:50 AM 3/28/26 345K Views . 37 1695 16K 566
  • 33
    Grace @gracecamille_ bf just came home with 180 lb 3-drawer tortoise dresser. "By the time he got it out of the storage unit I couldn't tell him I changed my mind” he explained 9:50 PM 3/27/26.414K Views 175 17508 21K ☐ 912 ↑

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