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Illustrative photo of a model portraying a man reflecting on a painful family estrangement and whether to reconnect.
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My parents (66M, 63F) want a relationship with me (30M) and my children after saying they wanted nothing to do with me because I wouldn't have a relationship with my brother (29M) anymore?
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When I was 18 my brother and my on and off again girlfriend slept together while she and I were on and we had talked about cutting out the nonsense and making us work. Both of them claimed she and I weren't stable enough to call it cheating and that I needed to understand we were sorta off at the time. When they realized it wasn't going to work that way they tried to apologize and I told them both to go f themselves. I broke up with her and they immediately started dating. That was my final straw with my brother and I moved out of my parents house and I made it clear I was completely done with my brother.
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My parents argued with me over it immediately. They were thinking ahead to my brother's 18th birthday party which was a few weeks after all this went down. I told them I wasn't going and to forget about me buying him the gift I said I would either. My parents told me I wasn't going to win if I expected them to choose between their sons. I told them they could have two sons but they would never see their sons be brothers again. My parents treated it like a tantrum and mockingly said we'd talk about it again in six months and I would realize I was being silly. That never happened and things got worse when my ex tried to get back together with me. I told her where to go and my brother tried to get in touch because he didn't like what I said to her or what I said about him. My parents told me I needed to talk to him and I told them if I did I would have nothing but insults to hurl his way and that would be it. They then told me they weren't going to stand by and allow it anymore and if I wouldn't have a relationship with my brother then they wouldn't have one with me.
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I accepted that and told them they were free to make that choice and I would leave them alone. They reached out a couple of times after asking if I was ready to forgive and I ignored them.
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Illustrative photo of a model portraying a man wrestling with whether to reconnect with parents after years of abandonment.
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My brother and ex ended up breaking up for a while but got back together and then they married and tried to have kids (they only recently had a child). I was already married and had my oldest when they got back together and I only knew about them because I still spoke with my grandparents who were disappointed in my parents response to everything. We still talk to this day.
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My parents didn't know about my life until very recently and upon learning I had married and had kids they reached out and said they wanted to be in mine and my children's lives. I reminded them they had a condition on me having them in my life and that was still off the table for me. They tried changing the subject but I reminded them of their condition again and said I was still firm on having nothing to do with their other son. They told me to forget about it and focus on us. They said they were saddened I would keep them from such big milestones. I said we were supposed to have nothing to do with each other. They said they regretted the distance that grew between us and they love me and want the chance to be in my life again.
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My wife and I discussed it and she doesn't think I should trust them. I don't either. She mentioned that my brother and ex had trouble having kids and suggested maybe he isn't the bio father and that matters to them, which is possible. Or we wonder if things are bad between my brother and parents now so they're moving back to me. Honestly anything is possible. I don't believe for one second they will be happy to just know me and my kids. At some point they will try to drag my brother into it and maybe they'll start to blindside me. Not once have they said they're willing to accept my lack of relationship with him. They're also being very pushy and trying to guilt trip me.
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But they are my parents and even if I don't trust them and do not want them meeting my kids now. I do wonder if I should at least try a couple of times just them and me. I still love them even if I don't like them very much.
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Illustrative photo of a model portraying a man reflecting on whether to reconnect with parents after years of abandonment.
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What makes this whole reunion attempt so unconvincing is the complete lack of acknowledgment. They have not said they were wrong to issue an ultimatum. They have not said they accept that he will never have a relationship with his brother. They keep saying forget about all that and focus on us now, which is exactly what someone says when they want the benefits of reconciliation without the inconvenience of accountability. Sadness about missed milestones is not the same as admitting you caused them.
The wife's theory that something went sideways with the brother and that is what shook the parents loose is the kind of read that is hard to dismiss. People who were perfectly comfortable with estrangement for over a decade do not typically have a change of heart the moment they learn there are grandchildren involved. They have a change of circumstances. The grandchildren are real but they are also convenient timing.
So when you set a boundary at eighteen, and the other person calls it a tantrum and gives you six months to get over it, two things can happen. You can come around, or you can spend the next twelve years building an entire life they know nothing about. This guy picked the second one, and honestly, it worked out fine until his parents discovered grandchildren exist and suddenly the no-contact policy developed some flexibility on their end.Loving your parents and trusting your parents are two completely different things, and this guy seems to understand that clearly. Meeting them a couple of times without the kids is not naive, it is just information gathering with lower stakes.
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