Woman gets upset at the guy she's dating because he acts nice when they are alone but condescending when he's with his friends, now she doubts if he's sincere: 'Am I blowing his banter out of proportion?'

Author image for María Cetra
María Cetra • Writer
Jul 23, 2026 10:30 AM EDT

Don't judge a person on how they treat you in private. Judge them on how they treat you when they want to impress somebody else.

When you start dating someone, you always try to show your best face. You dress nicer, have better manners, and try to seem as interesting as possible. There's nothing wrong with that, is normal to want to show the best version of yourself. Problems start when you are a completely different person from the first date to the tenth one. There is a saying that goes "Character is who you are when you're looking for an audience", and I couldn't agree more with it. Truth is, the real version of someone usually appears when other people are present. 


It isn't uncommon to realize that the person you are going out with is disrespectful by how they treat service employees. When they act demanding and mistreat them just because they think they are more important, that shows you exactly the kind of person your date is. A bad one. If they can't respect someone that is trying to do their job, why would you wanna be with them in the first place? Another way for the truth of someone to come out is with friends, like in this Reddit story. When they want to impress their friends and talk badly about you, that is a sign you shouldn't dismiss. That is their truth. How they actually act, how they are below the perfect image they have been projecting onto you. 


Don't ignore the signs. Trust your instincts. When someone is all nice and perfect when you are alone but lacks manners and good values when they are with other people, distrust! You want a partner that is going to be nice to you at all times, not someone that prefers to mistreat you to look cooler to their friends –as if that was even cool. Don't settle for less. You are worthy of a good person. Don't leave your values behind for someone who can't even be nice to you in public. 
 

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  • I am dating this guy for three months now. Until last night, he was absolutely sweet, attentive, and respectful. Then, I met his college best friends at a pub and he instantly morphed into a loud, obnoxious alpha bro. His friend joked about him skipping a trip to drive me home from a minor sur ry last week. He laughed and said, "Bro, I only did it because she'd nag me for a month if I didn't. Gotta put in the time for the rewards." I was completely frozen. On the
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  • A couple of a man and a woman sitting together at a restaurant table on a date, model image.
    via Matt W Newman

    A couple of a man and a woman sitting together at a restaurant table on a date, model image. 

  • drive home, I confronted him. He laughed it off, told me it was just "locker room talk to fit in," and said I was being way too sensitive and ruining the night. He acted completely normal this morning, but I feel totally humiliated. Is this his real personality finally slipping out or am I blowing his banter out of proportion? Please help. Edit he's 28 for context.
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  • PomeranianChaser Respectfully, and this is from a guy, this is a red flag. No way would any sane person disrespect his partner in front of a friend just to see the approval of his friend over his partner. That is nuts.
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  • EstrellaSelva NOR Instead of apologizing he just dismissed your feelings and blamed you for ruining the night. I'd pay close attention to whether this was a one time thing or this is who he really is around his friends
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  • Several-Praline5436 He just told you who he is: someone who is different with every group of people he is in. Up to you if you want to put up with that or not.
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  • Additional_00 NOR The joke wasn't a joke, it was him framing driving you home after sur ry as transactional labor with "rewards" on the back end. That's specific content about you, not generic banter. "You're too sensitive" is what people say when they don't want to be accountable. Trust the first drop of the mask.
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  • Visual representation of two people having a date at a restaurant.
    via René Ranisch

    Visual representation of two people having a date at a restaurant. 

  • Tall-Expression4114 His comment was a huge red flag. His refusal to acknowledge your disappointment red flag. His failure to apologize and dismiss your feelings ENORMOUS red flag. Blaming YOU then twisting it saying YOU ruined the night...diabolical and complete mindfuckery...trust me, this is just the BEGINNING. This is someone who will never validate
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  • your feelings and will dismiss everything you say as being too sensitive or too emotional instead of being accountable for their rudeness and disrespect. The red flags are right there, do with it what you will but wow, he's a
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  • Organic-Commercial76 NOR let's pretend that he's "just trying to fit in." Who is he trying to fit in with? Why would you want to fit in with people that are far removed from your values? Even if he isn't one of them, (spoiler alert: he is) he is happy to try to fit in with them at your expense. When people tell you who they are, believe them.
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  • No-Difficulty-723 I'm a guy don't fall for that old locker room talk sh you got to see who he really is and that's just a glimpse. You've been warned so pay attention.. get out now while you can!
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  • Organic-Vermicelli47 NOR, my husband would never behave like that. Don't listen to the people saying it's just a joke or whatever, jokes are supposed to be funny, and his comment wasn't funny at all
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  • splashedcrown Fitting in with his friends and not fitting in with you. He made his choice. NOR. He's going to have these guys in his ear about what a "nag" you are. They'll talk him about of supporting you in the future. Plenty of available guys out there
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  • who can still be normal in a bar with their guy friends or even a locker room.
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  • Vegetable Business897 NOR The same thing happened to me years ago. And he/I had the exact same response. And I stayed.... Until the next time he was with his bros, and he got in my face with a balled up fist because I told
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  • them 'I'm not your mum or your waitress' when they told me to go get them more snacks/beer. I broke up that night after they left. That guy ended up marrying the female version of himself, still good looking and doing well at work, and they usually were in the police blotter every other month for DV
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