Chinese aunt gets mistreated by nieces and nephews that don't care about her culture, she wants to teach them how to behave but doesn't know how to: 'We want to be a friendly resource to these kids.'

Author image for María Cetra
María Cetra • Writer
Jul 24, 2026 6:00 PM EDT

There has to be a way of showing kids that something they do is wrong without having to scold them or punish them.

The story below made me think about how to teach children that what they are doing is wrong. There are thousands of ways of doing that, but which one is the correct one? Do you have to take away their phones for a week? Or maybe forbid them from going to a friend's house? Is there a way that doesn't involve scolding or punishing? Is there a way to resonate with them so they can actually understand that what they did was wrong and not to repeat it?

I always thought that punishing is not a way of teaching. Just because the child had his phone taken away, it doesn't mean that they learned that they can't mistreat people. It just means that they know that if they do, they may face consequences. That is not learning to be better. That's just learning to be sneaky so that they can still do what they like but avoid punishment.

I'm not a parent, which means that I'm not exactly sure how you can teach a kid something. But I don't think punishment is the right way. Maybe talking and having a serious conversation, as any adult would, makes them understand not only that what they did is wrong but why. Is important for a developing child to know the difference between right and wrong. To start to think for themselves and realize if what they did is correct or not. To only say "this is wrong, you're grounded" seems just as the simplest way out, and it doesn't secure the fact that they know it is wrong. Conversation is key, and maybe if more parents talk to their children more, society could be better. 
 

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  • 01
    I (29F) am Taiwanese American. I was born in the US and I spoke English at home. I have been with my husband (30M) for a decade. He's the black sheep of a white and pretty xenophobic modern orthodox Jewish family. We keep contact limited, but he wants to stay involved because of all of our nieces and nephews. We hope that as orthodox kids
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  • 02
    A family standing in a field suring day time with a dog.
    via CDC

    A family standing in a field suring day time with a dog. 

    Representation.

  • 03
    growing up in a homogenous relious part of New York, it might be helpful for them to have an auntie and uncle who are less relious and march to the beat of a different drum. We want to be a friendly resource to these kids, but as they get older, I feel like they're getting more catty, less tolerable, and altogether just as bad as their parents. Over lunch on Sunday, I got the following questions and
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  • 04
    comments from my nieces Leah (14F) and Shira (12F). Leah is the oldest of ten kids, the leader of the pack, so imagine this in the cattiest seventh grade girl tone you can imagine. Shira is her copycat/shadow. Leah: People at my school don't believe I have a Chinese aunt. They think I'm lying. None of them ever heard of having a Chinese aunt.
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  • 05
    Shira: Do you have any siblings? (Me: Yes, a brother, do you remember meeting him in 2022?) Is he Chinese too? (Yes...?) Why is he Chinese? Leah: If I had to think of a Chinese name it'd probably be Ching Chong Bing Bong Ping Pong. (I tried to politely engage and said that out of those, Ping is a real name...) Leah: It's crazy that you're Chinese.
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  • 06
    Shira: Were you born in China? Leah: Do you speak Chinese? (Me, patiently as I can because they've asked me this before: A little.) Say something in Chinese. (I start to say something) Just kidding. I don't care. Leah: I used to be so r cist, like Ching Chong Ching Chong, but I'm not anymore. Shira: Do you use chopsticks?
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  • 07
    Leah: I have a friend at school we call Little Chinese Monkey but not in ar cist way because she's white. Leah: Do you speak Chinese? (an hour after the last time she asked). Adults were present including the girls' dad (my husband's brother) and grandparents (my husband's parents).
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  • 08
    this is a WIBTAH not an AITAH because I didn't snap back yet - but the second time she asked if I spoke Chinese, I was a little short with her and said something like "As I told you an hour ago..." I feel insane for sort of beefing with a 14 year old, and I don't know how or what extent to teach other people's children about race. I try to be nice to these kids
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  • 09
    because I've known them a long time and their environment is not their fault, but at some point they're going to need to be accountable for their own actions. Leah especially is a teen and is her own person now and I... do not like the person that she is. I hate how sheltered and coddled these kids are, and how I'm expected to gentle parent someone else's kid and otherwise not bother with them at all. Bc | am well past the point of gently
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  • 10
    saying "hi kiddo, where did you hear that? That's not nice to say to people." Things I'm thinking of saying/doing, roughly arranged on a scale of ascending potential assholery: Saying "That's r cist because (history). You should apologize." Glaring/not responding/feigning deafness when they pull that stuff.
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  • 11
    Telling their parents that this behavior is r cist and not okay. Saying "This isn't funny" and "honestly this is just really embarrassing for you," next time they make offputting comments. Saying "Don't talk to me like that." (this is probably what I'd say to a random teen on the street...) (Honestly I might tell a random teen to off.) Sending Leah an article about the
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  • 12
    origin of the slur Ching Chong or some other light reading about anti racism (she's going to sleep away camp and asked for mail.) Sending Leah an article about Emmett Till and a real grown up book about racism (some 14 year olds don't get to be coddled and spoon-fed about race. POC, especially Black kids, get punished by racism before they get to grow up. Leah is apparently a big crier so I
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  • 13
    suppose this might psychologically impact her, but... it should.)
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  • 14
    A man, a woman, and a child holding hands on the seashore.
    via Natalya Zaritskaya

    A man, a woman, and a child holding hands on the seashore.

    Representation.

  • 15
    dinkidoo7693 I have a 13 year old and she would be punished if i ever heard her talking like that to someone of a different race. YWNBTA if you taught these children and their parents how this is racism and how its not acceptable
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  • 16
    lun4d0r4 Honestly i'd respond to EVERYTHING they say like that with: "that IS r cist and I'm not responding to your racism" REPEATEDLY.
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  • 17
    Realistic_Pool_8087 NTA. But those kids are likely saying the stuff to your face that their parents say behind your back. Racism is learned.
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  • 18
    PennyandtheBrain YWNBTA if you went forward with any of these ideas, and you handled this a lot nicer than I would have, and I'm not Chinese. They sound like horrible people, I'm sorry you had to listen to such rubbish. I would not engage with them, or their parents again. I would be so ashamed if they were my family
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