45-year-old daughter argues with 72-year-old mother about her not contributing any money each month despite living together and covering almost everything: ' I don't know why she thinks she should just get a free ride from me'

Author image for María Cetra
María Cetra • Writer
Jul 29, 2026 10:30 AM EDT

Sometimes we try to be nice to somebody who needs it, but we end up making things more difficult for us.  

Being too nice is a problem. People take advantage of your kindness, leaving you in a weird position where you have to comply with things you don't want to. And if you back down after offering, then you are the worst. This makes us think that it is preferable to be 'the bad guy' to avoid having to commit to things that will only complicate us for people who don't even deserve it in the first place. 


In the story below, the daughter had good intentions, thinking that giving her mother a free place to live till she got back on her feet would actually make a difference in her life. Time passed, and when her mom could start to help out with some money, she asked for it. And everything was great, until the mother turned out to be resentful over the fact that she had to contribute and wasn't just getting a free space to live by her daughter.

What the daughter did was extremely nice, a good act of kindness not expecting anything in return. She just wanted her mom to be fine. Instead, she got herself in an uncomfortable situation where she can't even ask her mom to provide $500 a month to help out with the household expenses. She didn't have to help her in the first place, but she did, and now, because of it, she's expected to help her out forever. That wasn't the deal at all.  

So… Why get yourself involved in helping others if it's just going to turn bad for yourself? Do we continue doing good no matter what? Or do we prioritize ourselves and stop helping out? Can't the people being helped understand that the person helping them doesn't owe them anything and it's just making an effort for them? That they aren't going to be helping you forever? I will always say we need to be kind to each other, no matter what. But that isn't going to last if people keep taking advantage of someone's kindness. 
 

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  • 01
    My mother (72F) lives in my (45F) home with me, my husband (50M) and our son (21M). Mom has lived with us for 11 years now, we bought our house 7 years ago but she moved in with us when we were still in an apartment. We offered her to stay with us then after a VERY LONG series of bad financial decisions on her part that led to her filing bankruptcy and not effectively holding down a job. We did not ask her for any money while we
    via FoxieMail
  • 02
    A big house surrounded by a big field full of grass and trees, model image.
    via todd kent

    A big house surrounded by a big field full of grass and trees, model image. 

  • 03
    were still in the apartment, just asked her to pick up some groceries occasionally. We gave up our master bedroom with private bathroom in the apartment so she wouldn't have to share a bathroom with our son at the time. When we were getting ready to buy a house, a full year out, we asked her before we even started looking if she was planning to continue staying with us or not.
    via FoxieMail
  • 04
    We all discussed and agreed that if she was staying with us when we moved, then we needed some contribution from her because we needed to build an emergency fund and some savings. I had been covering all the expenses but it was unreasonable for us to do that forever. She agreed. By this time she was working again and she had 4 years to save money and stabilize. She said she wanted to stay with us, so she was invited to participate in the
    via FoxieMail
  • 05
    house shopping process. We went with a new build and came down to two options IF she was staying with us: a 3 bed/3 bath with an open den, but the bathrooms were not attached to the bedrooms, or what we chose - a 4 bed/3 bath with ensuite bathrooms - one being a "jack and jill" connecting my son's room to the smallest room, which is my office. Mom has an entire quarter that's entirely hers. If she
    via FoxieMail
  • 06
    was not going to stay with us, we were going to go with a 3/2 instead. Mom liked the one we purchased best, but it was a significant price jump as the square footage difference was significant. When I ran the numbers, we agreed on $500 per month from her. Well, we made the deposit, waited a year for the build, finally moved in and money was not forthcoming from her. She did
    via FoxieMail
  • 07
    contribute to some new house expenses - around $2000 total that we did NOT ask her for, just things she decided to buy "for the house". After 9 months I sat down with her and said we appreciated the house items, but as we talked about we did need her to contribute the $500 each month. It went fine for a while but then she secretly racked up a ton of debt again (on her own, I have no idea on what, all on credit cards)
    via FoxieMail
  • 08
    And she started getting passive aggressive and making little resentful comments that she couldn't do things because she had no money. I didn't know about the debt at the time because she is not transparent and hides things. It has only gotten worse over time and as she's gotten older. She's now retired but her retirement income alone is almost equal what I make in a month. She has no expenses other than her debts and what
    via FoxieMail
  • 09
    she buys for herself. We pay for her phone and tablet - we added her to our family plan and her share is about $75/month. We buy all the groceries and there is plenty of everything, she only needs to buy something if it's a food the rest of us wouldn't eat or buy. She wanted Netflix and paid for it for 6 months and then her card kept declining so we took it over. She wanted a new mattress, we
    via FoxieMail
  • 10
    replaced her whole set. We don't ask for help with utilities or anything else. She does let us use her car because ours de d unexpectedly and I can't take on another car payment right now, but we rarely use it as I work from home and we don't go out often. The mortgage payment has gone up substantially in the last 7 years due to taxes and insurance increases. I've never asked for an extra cent from her.
    via FoxieMail
  • 11
    But every month it's like pulling teeth to get her to contribute. She also doesn't lift a finger around the house, including cleaning her own messes (like dishes). I know she has also complained to her friends and some family members that we "charge her rent". I don't know why she thinks she should just get a free ride from me. We've had a difficult relationship since I was a teenager but I'm an only child and I didn't want to see my
    via FoxieMail
  • 12
    mom end up homeless. She's also had health issues and there's no one else to look out for her.
    via FoxieMail
  • 13
    A family gathering around the dinner table, talking. Representation.
    via National Cancer Institute

    A family gathering around the dinner table, talking.

    Representation.

  • 14
    Official Broccoli Rob NTA. If her retirement income is nearly equal to yours and she has almost no living expenses, where is the money going?
    via FoxieMail
  • 15
    Witty_Leek8053 Stop paying for her phone, tablet, Netflix or food. She doesn't get the password for the Wifi. You don't buy anything specifically for her including food. You must prioritise saving an emergency fund and for your own retirement and your child's education. I am so shocked that a parent can be so utterly selfish and just leach off her
    via FoxieMail
  • 16
    child and at the expense of her grandchild's future as well.
    via FoxieMail
  • 17
    Affectionate-Bit-341 NTA. you also wouldn't be the a h le if you kicked her out. she is in the situation she's in because she did not learn financial literacy or to take responsibility for herself, and now she's trying to gaslight you into enabling that. stand firm. it's your house. and you're entitled to charge her rent, sue her for unpaid rent, evict her, etc.
    via FoxieMail
  • 18
    also, stop buying her stuff. don't pay her streaming services. she is not a child. enabling her bad behavior is harmful not only to you and your life, but to her as well.
    via FoxieMail
  • 19
    FrabjousD Nope. NTA. You bought a bigger house to accommodate her. Rentals are roughly $1000 per bedroom, so she's getting a major deal.
    via FoxieMail
  • 20
    Polka Dot Dancer I think it's time to give Mom notice. Because right now you're being a sucker for her. She wants to be a magnificent grandma to everyone, but you, the person who's paying the bills. Kick her out, sell the house, and buy a smaller one. NTA
    via FoxieMail

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