22-year-old woman secretly looks at best friend's phone and finds a group chat without her: ‘I have been friends with these girls for 10, eight, and five years. I know that this group chat of theirs isn't solely being used for events that I can't attend’

Author image for Olivia Arocena
Olivia Arocena • Writer and Editor
Aug 2, 2026 1:45 PM EDT

Friendship's worst nightmare

I'm sure it's not easy to break up with a friend, but that difficulty can't be the excuse to lead a double life and exclude said friend from every group while pretending to get along. Of course, one can take matters into one's hands and realize one's being left out, but when you live under the belief that those are your friends, and they keep the exclusion in secret, you're left with not much you can do. In conclusion, if a group of people somehow agree they don't want you with them anymore, they should at least try to hint it to you, if they are cowardly enough not to let you know upfront. I always say we've created many rituals for when romantic relationships end, but we haven't got that many for when friendships end, so it becomes very uncomfortable to talk about it, and we resort to different variations of ghosting.

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  • woman using smartphone
    via Nicolas Lobos

    The woman discovering her friend's groupchat

    Image is representative

  • My (F22) Long term best friends have a groupchat without me and ive never been more confused

    TLDR: I secretly looked at my friend's phone because I saw they had a group chat without me that they're more active in and now I'm unsure of how to move forward in these friendships and I'm looking for advice
    via MaintenanceWeak8983
  • So I'm (F22) in a group of friends and there's four of us total (F22-25), including me. Recently me and one of the other girls were in a lineup and she had to step away for a second and had me hold her phone. I saw a group
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  • chat of the three girls on her home screen; a group chat without me, that had a cover picture of the three of them and a name that made it sound like a club (that im not in). I have been friends with
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  • these girls for 10, eight, and five years. I know that this group chat of theirs isn't solely being used for events that I can't attend, because I saw messages in said group chat (I opened her phone and looked at it. I'm not proud
    via MaintenanceWeak8983
  • of it, but I did it) that seemed like a heart to heart, basically them saying how good of friends they are to each other and other sappy stuff like that. There were also messages in there from events that I couldn't
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  • attend. Also, the fact that the group chat is used enough for them to have a picture and a name for it is a bit disheartening. The group chat with all of us has been quite dry for a while, I barely get
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  • responses, and the heart to hearts in the excluding group chat make me wonder if they're feeling some type of way about me that I don't know about, cause why not just say the nice stuff in the big group chat that I'm in?
    via MaintenanceWeak8983
  • Before this, I did feel some distance from these girls, but I brushed it off as organic; us all getting in long-term relationships and big girl jobs. However, when we hang out I kind of get the vibe that all of them are a little bit closer
    via MaintenanceWeak8983
  • with each other than I am with them, even though it wasn't always that way. I see some small differences in our values as we get older, for example, they complain about their boyfriends a lot, whereas I don't speak
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  • negatively about my partner to my friends. There's maybe been a scattered time I've asked them for advice, but that's it. They have also passive aggressively scolded me for being "dressed too nice", i wore jeans and
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  • they were wearing leggings. I also think that they like being around each other more often than I like being around them because I am a bit more introverted and value my alone time. In the past, if we'e ever had issues,
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  • they've always brought them up to me and we've always resolved it. It's not that I don't enjoy hanging out with them anymore. We have a lot in common and we can have a good time. Over the
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  • smartphone
    via charlesdeluvio

    The place where all the groupchats are born

    Illustration

  • years they've helped me overcome a lot of hardship as I have for them and I felt like I could trust them. We basically grew up together. It's just that I feel a shift and seeing that group chat just kind of confirmed it. I don't know whether I
    via MaintenanceWeak8983
  • should confront them in some way or not. I don't want to admit that I went and looked in their group chat. And if it's gotten this far, I wonder if there's even a point in me mentioning it. I've debated distancing myself but I've been
    via MaintenanceWeak8983
  • friends with these people for five years and more, I'm close with their families, we see each other once a week religiously, it would be a major loss. But I also don't know how to move forward. If I wasn't feeling less close with them
    via MaintenanceWeak8983
  • before I certainly am now. I don't know how to bridge a gap that I dont think i made in the first place. Some parts of the story make me want to think that there's no malicious intention in this group
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  • chat, but then other parts of it make me think there must be. The only flaw I can think of that I might be perceived as having as their friend is not making plans with them, they have always been very dominant in that way and
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  • always want to initiate plans, host at their houses, and they tend to want to choose what we do. I feel like this has always
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  • worked because I am a bit more laid-back and go with the flow so I'm happy to let them decide but maybe they don't like that? I don't know what to do.
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  • SoundSwitch I've noticed since I've fallen down the Myers Brigs rabbit hole that I mirror back unconsciously people's own bulls. They typically can't stand to have their own allusions shattered that readily.
    via MaintenanceWeak8983
  • group of women forming hand gestures
    via Melissa Askew

    The friendgroup while they're actively excluding one person

    Illustration

  • Bringing it up would be uncomfortable, to say the least, but I think it can be healing. It can be an opportunity for her friends to tell her what happened and, in the worst-case scenario, to reveal they don’t want to be friends with her anymore. Even if they try to lie or make excuses as to why they have a separate group chat, that’s still valuable information for her, and it can be enough of a wake-up call. What would you do given this situation?

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friendship friends toxic relationship
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