Employee gets called out for agreeing to give a reference for former manager, then giving a bad yet honest review to the hiring manager: ‘You should have declined’

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Bar Mor Hazut • Senior Editor
Aug 13, 2026 8:00 AM EDT

Are you always expected to say good things when giving a reference for someone?

When interviewing for a new job, one of the most hated stages is when you're asked to provide references. This means that you either have to dig up numbers of old coworkers and bosses who would be willing to say nice things about you, or find someone in your current workplace who can talk you up and wouldn't tell anyone else about your search for a new job. It is generally a taxing mission.

We've never been asked to be a reference for someone else, but we imagine that if someone asked us, we would want to be as honest as possible, which is easier said than done. Of course, you want to give your honest feedback about what it was like to work with someone, but if your experience with that person was not positive, being honest about it can ruin their job prospects, and that is a heavy burden to carry.

But what should you do instead? Lie? Let a workplace hire someone based on a false recommendation? That doesn't sound very fair either.

The best solution to this issue is to simply not give the reference in the first place. If someone you didn't enjoy working with asks to put you down as a reference for a potential job, the kindest thing you can do for them is decline. You will obviously have to explain yourself and be honest with them about why you can't give a good reference, but it's better that they know and work on it than for you to hold it in.

Unfortunately, that is not the route u/sirthevinegar took…

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  • 01
    Employee sitting at office desk.
    via Vitaly Gariev

    Employee sitting at office desk.

    Picture does not depict real parties.

  • 02

    AITAH for giving my former manager a bad reference at a job he applied to?

    My former manager was tough to work with, but he would never know I didn't like working with him because I acted
    via sirthevinegar
  • 03
    professionally and just adhered to his ridiculous rules. Also I am easy to get along with and find humor. in everything, as well a job
    via sirthevinegar
  • 04
    is a job, you just do it an move on and try to get along with everyone and joke with people, I guess he though we were buds and asked me if it's OK he put me down as a reference.
    via sirthevinegar
  • 05
    I was honest in my reference when the hiring person called, they asked questions like what was his management style, can you
    via sirthevinegar
  • 06
    give an example of how they resolved conflict within a team, what is your feedback, etc. So I said how it was, his management style was a tad
    via sirthevinegar
  • 07
    authoritarian, he liked to find mistakes and only point out those rather than bring light to things you do right. He more often
    via sirthevinegar
  • 08
    inspired conflict, primarily with when ruling out old ineffective ways of doing business, he likes old way of doing things rather than time saving ways. And my
    via sirthevinegar
  • 09
    feedback overall wasn't that good, I said I looked when I left the company for easier manager to work with because he was among other reasons why i left that company.
    via sirthevinegar

  • Instead of telling their former manager ‘no’ when he asked to put them down as a reference, the employee agreed, which was their first mistake. If you don't have nice things to say, don't say anything at all, especially when it comes to someone else's livelihood. An employee who wants to see their boss improve their management skills has to be honest with them about the problems. Going behind their back to a hiring manager is not the right way to deal with things.

    That is not the end of this story, which contains the employee's second and even worse mistake.

  • 10
    He called me after to check if I spoke to them, I said I did, I gave a reference, he was asking what I said I said and I gave a generic response, I said I touched
    via sirthevinegar
  • 11
    on our experience working together and the impact you made at the company. Then I made a 'joke' about telling them about the time
    via sirthevinegar
  • 12
    he royally scr ed up, I said obvioisly I mentioned how you told this account to off, and take their business up their a. I
    via sirthevinegar
  • 13
    didn't say that to the hiring manager, but it did actually happen but he obviously thought I was joking and he still thinks we're buds.
    via sirthevinegar
  • 14
    He asked if my company I am at is hiring, still I feel bad. Am i TA
    via sirthevinegar
  • 15
    Businessman on the phone.
    via Carrie Allen www.carrieallen.com

    Businessman on the phone.

    Model portrayal.

  • 16
    Pawn_of_the_Void You told him OK about putting you down as a reference? Why when you knew it would be a bad one if they ever called?
    via Pawn_of_the_Void
  • 17
    Southern_Salary_2253 Yes, YTA. Not because you gave a subpar (but hopefully honest) review, but because you're obviously still communicating with them
    via Southern_Salary_2253
  • 18
    outside of work, presumably offered / was willing to give a reference, and then lied to them after the fact. This is petty and vindictive. Just cease contact.
    via Southern_Salary_2253
  • 19
    Majestic-Taste5861 YTA. When someone asks you to be a reference the implication is that you're going to say positive things. If you couldn't do that, you should have declined. But it's
    via Majestic-Taste5861
  • 20
    the fact that you weren't even honest with your manager about what you said that really makes you the AH. If you're going to tank someone's job
    via Majestic-Taste5861
  • 21
    prospects behind their back, you should at least have the b's to tell them you did it.
    via Majestic-Taste5861
  • 22
    memimomayhem YTA. The right course of action was to decline to be his reference. On top of that, you lied to him after the fact.
    via memimomayhem
  • 23
    Song Acceptable7546 A person can only grow and improve if they know what they've done wrong. You didn't tell him. You are sabotaging his future. Does he have a family to support? You are still lying to him.
    via SongAcceptable7546

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boss employee job recommendation hiring manager work coworkers hiring workplace job interview reference
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