32-Year-Old Man Says He Rescinded His Fiancée’s Sister’s Move-in Offer After Hosting Her Brother for 9 Months in Their 1-Bedroom Apartment: ‘I Just Want My Home Back With Me and My Fiance. No More People.'

A 32-year-old man, posting as u/FrustratedSpin, shared his situation with Reddit's r/AITAH community, looking for advice on how to deal with his expectant in-laws. 

He says he was finally about to get his one-bedroom apartment back after hosting his fiancée’s brother for nine months when her sister asked to move in.

My fiancée (30F) and I (32M) live in a 1-bedroom apartment, about 52 sqm (~560 sq ft). Her brother moved in with us in February. The plan was for him to stay with their other sister, but they didn't get along, so he ended up with us instead. We helped because he had nowhere to go, and I have no problem with him. He's moving out next week.

Her brother had moved in after an arrangement with another sister fell through, and the man was happy they could help him through a difficult period. With the brother due to leave, that same sister-in-law (SIL), whom the man calls “S” in his post, and with whom the brother was originally supposed to stay, wanted her turn. Looking to rent her own apartment out and live with the couple for free so she could save the money and use it to move to another country.

The SIL said it would be for just “a few weeks,” but the man says he soon found that this wasn't true.

I later found out she had told my fiancée January or February. By my math it would realistically take longer: she would need a deposit plus a few months of buffer, and she won't hear back on her job applications until somewhere between December and February.

This second timeline was even optimistic when you considered the logistics. She would have to get a new job where the couple lived (despite already having a job near her own apartment).

She would have to find a good tenant whose rent would actually add to her savings, and if any of those things failed, the man knows that her staying or moving back into their apartment would be the “fallback." This, before considering the SIL's own track record for being unreliable.

S also tends to make big decisions very quickly and the details of her plans change a lot, so I didn't trust the timeline nor the robustness of her “plan”. She has other options (her dad lives in the country she wants to move to, though she doesn't want to live "in the woods"), and I've helped her financially several times before.

But the man just wants to have his house back alone with his spouse.


The takeaway I get here is this: They had helped the brother-in-law out of necessity, but now the sister-in-law wants the same treatment, not out of necessity, but simply because she sees it as an opportunity to live somewhere for free and save money.

The man drew a line in the sand here, telling the SIL the deal was off.

I just want my home back with me and my fiance. No more people. I messaged S directly about this and told her that I want to have my home back with my fiance, in a way that was clear and polite, explaining that it was affecting my relationship with her sister.

But the SIL didn't take this well. The man explains the fallout since, and how the SIL has latched onto the fact that he sent his rescinding of the agreement over a text message. He acknowledged changing his mind, but felt the original agreement had been made without full information being provided.

Now she is angry at me for going back on my word (it’s a matter of principle, she says). I honestly don’t care much that I did go back and I know she didn’t give me the full information and that’s why I said no…

She is also hung up on it being wrong that I did it over text “since we’re family” but honestly I felt so tired that I just wanted to send a text and forget. So I rescinded the offer and wished her good luck.

Honestly, I feel so gaslighted.

My Thoughts

On the matter of in-laws and family. When it's your own family, you can get mad at them, have a little spat with your parents or siblings like you're a teenager again, and then all move on from it.

With your in-laws, it's a little different. You can't exactly be direct with them the same way you can with your own parents, and you just have this way of feeling like you're being judged and your life is on display when they're in your home, regardless of how kind they are and how close your relationship is.

So, when your in-laws live with you long term, it can feel a bit like you're living in a glass house. Your life and your personality are on permanent display to them, with no healthy separation.

I think the problem specifically with in-laws is this: Your relationship with your partner is built on the similarities and shared interests of your lives. It's built on who you and your partner have become together.

But your in-laws still see your partner as that child they use to live with. And we all have a bit of a habit of becoming that child again when we're around our own families. So it starts to build this dynamic where your in-laws start to represent all the differences you have with your partner. And when they're around, it tends to highlight those differences and the flaws in your own relationship.

It's only when you get away from family again that you start remembering who you are now, and the fact that you're not that teenager anymore. And you can start to rebuild your identity and sense of self over the days of being back in your own home.

But when someone lives in your home, there's no getting away from them. And when that's the in-laws, it becomes a test of your own mental endurance and personal boundaries.  

Dealing with family is never easy, and when a favor becomes an expectation, setting personal boundaries becomes a necessity.

The Community Responses

The conversation continued in the comments, with the man providing insight and updates regarding the situation. Where some commenters blamed the fiancé for deceiving him, the man defended her, clarifying that it was his fiancé calling him to ask his opinion about her sister moving in that had highlighted the inconsistencies in the sister-in-law's story to begin with. 

He later stated the couple had reached an agreement and were united against the move-in.

He also defended helping the brother, who, by the man's account, had arranged student accommodation and intended to study engineering. 

He said he did not regret giving him a place to recover and get a leg-up from being down on his luck. His concern was that the sister was using them as a launch pad for her own benefit without there being any real necessity. And being committed to another stay, on her terms, with no dependable end date.

The Original Poster Provided Clarifications in the Comments

This comment chain, consisting of a lengthy back-and-forth exchange, became an important insight into the situation.

u/Zestyclose-Custard-2

NTA but I’m not sure you understand that the big problem here is your girlfriend, and her willingness to lie to you.

FrustratedSpin, the Original Poster

I must be missing something, here. Wherein my text do you infer that my fiancé has lied to me? I am super confused about this and so many people are pushing on the same idea. Could you please clarify as I am not seeing it clearly?

u/Zestyclose-Custard-2

She told you that it would only be weeks when she knew it would be months. She intentionally minimized her family's intrusion into your life in order to manipulate you into agreeing. That's why you feel "gaslighted." Because you've been lied to.

FrustratedSpin, OP

Ah, no. The sister talked to me directly and asked me if she could stay with us for a few weeks, of which I agreed. She then, later (or earlier, who knows for sure) spoke to my fiancé but under that talk; it was a couple of months.

My fiancé then called me asking if I was truly ok with her staying. And I said yeah I have talked to her about it. Only after talking to my fiancé a bit longer did I realize that i had been deceived.

I feel gaslighted because I feel like I have done something wrong to my future SIL. It’s not my fiancé behaving this way but my SIL is acting super childish and is angry about me and I sense that she is spewing a hate campaign about me.

u/Zestyclose-Custard-2

Oh my goodness, okay! Sorry, I misunderstood. I'm glad you asked for clarification, because it seems like I wasn't the only one.

Again, I apologize for accusing your girlfriend unfairly, it seems she is in the same position as you. That's great news, and, one last time, I'm sorry I got it wrong.

FrustratedSpin, OP

No need to apologize. I want to thank you for taking your time to help out an internet stranger, it is really thoughtful and nice.

It’s just that my first language isn’t English, so misunderstandings happen!

Again, thank you!

And what about the overall sentiment of readers? What was their verdict?

Well, of 72 distinct original responses that were more or less on topic and made visible by Reddit's commenting algorithm for me to check.

43 (around 59.7%)explicitly claimed that the man was NTA/NTAH. AKA that he was not wrong in the situation. 

18 said he was NTA but only inferred their support; this made up about 25.0% of counted votes.

Others either offered advice with no clear verdict, or offered speculative insights, or asked for more information.

Most importantly, no counted responses in this thread voted “YTA” or that the man was in the wrong in this situation.

So, in this case, the verdict is pretty clear, and responders in the community overwhelmingly, almost unanimously, felt that the man wasn't in the wrong.