A woman smiles while holding a plate of food next to a flower arrangement and a candle on a Thanksgiving table. Not actual story subjects.
A woman and her husband had spent the past several years taking on Thanksgiving hosting duties for their family, and she was the one doing the majority of the cooking. While everybody contributed in the first year, people stopped after her sister-in-law told everybody that she would be cooking the entire meal herself.
Considering the cost and the time it took, the host didn't believe that this was sustainable. She thought that it would be better if other people started helping her out and bringing some dishes themselves, but she didn't want to look like she was overstepping.
Close-up of a woman in a red dress holding a pumpkin pie. Photo is a representation of scenes.
Would I be wrong if I sent my family a Thanksgiving sign-up sheet after my SIL told everyone I'm cooking the entire dinner?
My husband and I have hosted Thanksgiving for the last 4 years. The first year I offered to do the turkey and the stuffing and told everyone else to bring whatever they wanted. That year was fine, everyone showed up with a dish and we had more food than we knew what to do with.
The problem is my SIL. Every year since then she has been telling people I’ve got things covered so they don’t need to bring anything. Year two I found out she told my MIL I was “already planning the whole spread” and my MIL stopped bringing sides entirely. I told my SIL it was getting to be a lot and she said “you’re such a good cook though, everyone loves your food.” I didn’t want to start a thing so I honestly just kept doing it.
Last year I made turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, mac and cheese, gravy, rolls, and two pies. My grocery bill was $380 and I started cooking at six in the morning. SIL showed up around three. She brought a bottle of wine and a store bought pumpkin pie 🙄
A person carving a turkey on a table set for Thanksgiving. Stock photography for depiction only.
This year my husband’s cousin texted me Saturday thanking me for “taking it all on again.” SIL told her I had the whole menu covered and she didn’t need to worry about bringing anything.
I’m feeding 16 people this year and I priced it all out, it’s going to be WELL over $450 just in groceries, that’s not even counting the 14 hours I’ll be in the kitchen by myself while everyone else shows up to eat.
What I want to do is send a message in the family group chat listing every single dish I’ve apparently been signed up for, the cost next to each one, and a sign-up sheet so people can claim what they’re bringing. My husband thinks I should just talk to his sister privately but she has gone around me three years in a row and talking hasn’t done a thing.
While the sister-in-law was trying to frame her actions as a compliment to her brother's wife's cooking skills, it didn't feel that way when she had to spend money on groceries and spend all day in the kitchen while other people relaxed. It seemed like it would be much fairer if everybody made some kind of contribution, but all their relatives appeared happy to let her do all the work. Clearly, they needed to be told that hosting duties were not something that was sustainable if she had to do it all alone. That is a lot of stress for a day that is supposed to be enjoyable.
A person smooths the filling of a pumpkin pie with a spatula. Image for illustrative purposes.
Start a group text with a sign up. “Hub and I can’t wait to see you for thanksgiving. Arrive at x time to socialize before dinner at y time. We will provide the turkey, dressing, gravy, and bread. Here’s a link to the signup for sides and desserts. Let us know what you are planning to bring!”
ETA: there is no privately addressing this because she’s already spread false information. OP needs to communicate directly with each invitee.
Your husband is a coward, & you have allowed yourself to be everyone's doormat for years. Good for you finally having enough of this!
Send the sign up sheet, but then you'll get the fallout alone while your husband looks the other way. IMO you should tell him you are making only turkey and stuffing, period. No other sides, no drinks, no desserts. Does he want a full dinner and does he especially want to avoid the fallout when everyone shows up empty-handed only to find out you’ve prepared nothing else? Then he better find his spine, finally stand up for you, & tell everyone they have to sign up & bring something.
If he won't, point him to the kitchen, tell him it's all on him, put up your feet, drink a glass of wine, & enjoy your holiday. We teach others how to treat us.
Even better, have your husband put in the chat that you never volunteered and he saw how much last year drained you. That everyone needs to step up to make this a family holiday done by all the family together. And then a private one to his own sister telling her to shut up.
Why are you being such a pushover? This is such a simple fix. Communicate to the entire family that you're making turkey and stuffing and they should bring what they want. Do not make any additional food. The end.
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