“My boyfriend’s sister invited us to her wedding. I was trying to find out about the decorations for the celebration so I could choose an appropriate dress.”
“When my husband asked where the markers were, I should have been more suspicious...”
"She never told him the truth. He still thinks wistfully of that amazing, magical soap dispenser they had once."
"Hot glue bowls I found at my boyfriend’s house"
He knows his way around his wife...
“My wife let me nerd out for my son’s newborn session so I present to you Lord Hamish of House Shirley, first of his name.”
Dad: “No you are not allowed to bring that dirty stray in. Imagine all the diseases it’s carrying. Absolutely not and that’s final.”
“Asked my boyfriend to close up the chip bags...”
“My wife is decorating with moss for spring, so I added Moss Man. Think she’ll notice?”
When you know what your opponent is going to do next:
"Follow up: he said now he won't make it me because then he'll look like a bitch who caved. It's his dog. She is very cute"
“Husband broke my mixer years ago.”
“Went to the bank today to cash a check, needless to say my boyfriend got bored. He’s a keeper.”
“My husband and I are trying to get healthier, so he put up motivational signs around the house. This is now what I see before I open the fridge.”
When you heard that dry shampoo existed but didn’t know anything else about it.
“My boyfriend draws faces in the vegetables and fruits that I bought but forgot to eat.”
“My husband had these set up on the counter for me and said ‘It’s your early Valentine’s Day gift. Don’t ever say I didn’t get you flowers.’ This is why I married him.”
“My husband cuts the pizza so he doesn’t slice through a pepperoni.”
“A few months ago, my friends and I got our photos taken at JC Penny Studios. Today, we put it up on a billboard in our hometown.”
“My boyfriend and I had our first baby in December, and this is what I came home to for Valentine’s Day.”
“My wife absolutely hates with a deep-seated passion, Nicholas Cage.”
“Brotherly love... Every year my twin and I go to the bank, withdraw a $100 bill, give it to each other, and then deposit it back. The tellers love it and we have done it every year since we were 15. Happy 39th bro!”
“This Chapstick that my boyfriend just bit into...”
“It’s 1:30 a.m. and my boyfriend just shot a cockroach with a dart gun... didn’t use a shoe, oh no, that would’ve been too casual.”
"He attempted to crack a walnut with his bare hands."
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