30 Tweets That Prove Parenting Is Nothing But Negotiations

Author image for Ada Elder
Ada Elder
Jul 17, 2019 3:00 PM EDT

Twitter user (and exhausted parent) @scottlincicome took to Twitter after a particularly harrowing set of dessert negotiations with his children on July 8, 2019. His jokey tweet asked Twitter to ask him anything about the exchange with his kids, and the thread turned into a sort of bonding session for parents who could relate. The tweets might not be for everyone, but if you've ever caved for your spawn, you'll appreciate the anecdotes.

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  • 01
    Text - Scott Lincicome @scottlincicome Nobody ever tells you that parenthood is basically an infinite series of petty negotiations. 7:18 PM 7/8/19 Twitter for Android
    via @scottlincicome
  • 02
    Text - Scott Lincicome @scottlincicome Just completed the July 8,2019 Dessert Talks, AMA 7:19 PM 7/8/19 Twitter for Android
    via @scottlincicome
  • 03
    Text - Scott Lincicome@scottlin... 7/8/19 Replying to @scottlincicome The best (worst) is when, exasperated, you finally yell "THIS IS NOT A NEGOTIATION"... and then immediately start negotiating again 1,577 t122 30 Scott Lincicome@scottlin... 7/8/19 The problem, as I see it, is that they 1) know you love them dearly and hate to them suffer, 2) have infinite energy and nothing to do, and 3) are willing to contest everything - literally everything. At 7p on a Monday night, we olds don't stand a f
    via @scottlincicome
  • 04
    Text - Joshua Stokes @JoshuaCHStokes Replying to @scottlincicome Did you cave? You caved, didn't you. 7:21 PM 7/8/19 Twitter for Android 1 Retweet 14 Likes @ 7/8/19 Replying to @JoshuaCHStokes and deborahbetterton @scottlincicome Narrator: he completely caved 15
    via @scottlincicome
  • 05
    Text - Will Saletan @saletan Replying to @scottlincicome 4-step program for all parenting problems. If any step fails, proceed to the next: 1. Appeal to good will. 2. Make it their problem. 3. Your way or my way. 4. Force.
    via @scottlincicome
  • 06
    Text - Michael Grubbs @StealthyMG Replying to @scottlincicome Was plate-cleaning a point in these negotiations? 7:20 PM 7/8/19 Twitter for Android 1 Retweet 1 Like Scott Lincicome @scottlin... 7/8/19 Replying to @StealthyMG Obvs. Tho we may have relegated the second half of the fish sandwich to "snack" status t1 7 1
    via @scottlincicome
  • 07
    Meal - TracyFromJax @tracyfromjax Replying to @scottlincicome My son vs his 4 year old I used to be like: "I'll never make a special meal for my kid because they don't eat what i made for dinner."
    via @scottlincicome
  • 08
    Text - Svilen Petrov TEAM @petrov_svilen Replying to @scottlincicome Italian or French red?
    via @scottlincicome
  • 09
    Microphone - Kyle Samp Follow mocornfarmer Replying to @scottlincicome Always remember, the sign of a good compromise is nobody is happy 8:18 PM-8 Jul 2019
    via @scottlincicome
  • 10
    Text - Sheila Wallace @SheLa9876 17h Replying to @scottlincicome Someone once said that kids are the best little psychologist in the world :) 2 Melody Jackson @melodyjoi 9h More like sociopaths. All that crying and stopping on a dime is just baby bipolar. ta
    via @scottlincicome
  • 11
    Text - Dave @ShackValley 5h Replying to @scottlincicome Pulling activities off the table only to realize you were looking forgot to said activity Ex: "well then you can't go swimming!" #backfire Lucyfer @sewn2death 5h "FINE,YOURE NOT GOING TO GRAMMY'S TONIGHT" "Internally pleeeeeease go to you grandmother's tonight for the love of god
    via @scottlincicome
  • 12
    Text - Siobhan Hannan Follow @Shiv1000 Replying to @scottlincicome Or, when you realise 45 mins after the last (& 20th time) time you firmly ordered them to bed they are still up & have totally bamboozled you with charming conversation about the universe & Stranger Things & some pop song & what it means & you realise you have Stockholm Syndrome 2:20 AM -9 Jul 2019
    via @scottlincicome
  • 13
    Text - Darbo Follow @DazMcQ Replying to@scottlincicome Opening gambit: "eat your dinner" Secondary negotiation: "you can leave the beans if you eat the tatties" Settlement: . He's outside playing 3:09 AM-9 Jul 2019
    via @scottlincicome
  • 14
    Text - Mama@Belleima 11h Replying to@scottlincicome Both my 6 and 2 yr old ask for something like juice then yell at me that they wanted milk. Like wtf happened in the 2 mins it took to get the juice. Boegershausen @boegershausen 11h Gaslighting. 10 Mama@Belleima 11h Little aholes.
    via @scottlincicome
  • 15
    Text - Lucyfer Follow @sewn2death Replying to @scottlincicome My four year, when faced with less than desirable choices or tasks, literally says now "Can we make a deal?" 6:22 AM-9 Jul 2019
    via @scottlincicome
  • 16
    Text - CMurdoch TwerskyC Follow @docthewondercat Replying to @scottlincicome I can remember reading to my son, turning put the lights, and he kept talking. I'd say "no more talking and he kept talking. I'd say "time for sleeping" and he kept talking. AND HE WAS SO GOD DAMNED ADORABLE about it 6:37 PM -8 Jul 2019
    via @scottlincicome
  • 17
    Text - James Oliphant Follow @jamesoliphant Replying to @scottlincicome Your leverage only dissipates over time. 6:21 PM-8 Jul 2019
    via @scottlincicome
  • 18
    Text - Jacob Nosal Follow GJacobNosal Replying to @scottlincicome When my son turned 2 I found out that I do, in fact, negotiate with terrorists. 6:43 PM -8 Jul 2019
    via @scottlincicome
  • 19
    Text - softCore Libertarian Follow EefeDotOrg Replying to @CanadianDee2019 @scottlincicome Not mean; like "you may have two cookies as your treat. You want one cookie and chips? Okay, 4 chips. No, not 5. That one's broken? Then you can pick one more if you let your brother have a small bite. That's the rule." 10:21 AM-9 Jul 2019
    via @scottlincicome
  • 20
    Text - Roberta B Follow 0929d5170fed415 Replying to@JacobNosal @scottlincicome So true. Two years olds should be sent to negotiate peace treaties. No one will win against them. Lol 12:27 AM-9 Jul 2019
    via @scottlincicome
  • 21
    Text - Daphne @Daphne Lynn_O Follow Replying to @AmandaFarrell @jamesoliphant @scottlincicome Pssh my 4 year old doesn't believe in leverage. I'm dreading the teen years. She would rather turn down every incentive. Nothing is as satisfying as driving me insane with neverending tantrums. She is a master at holding my sanity hostage. 12:06 AM-9 Jul 2019
    via @scottlincicome
  • 22
    Text - Foxy Black BrandyHoliday Follow Replying to @2bigdoghouse @scottlincicome A co-worker once told me that she doesn't lie to her kids and she always explains "why". She was also always on her third cup of coffee by 8:15am, so I wonder if that had something to do with it 1:58 AM-9 Jul 2019
    via @scottlincicome
  • 23
    Text - Scott Lincicome Follow @scottlincicome The problem, as I see it, is that they 1) know you love them dearly and hate to see them suffer, 2) have infinite energy and nothing to do, and 3) are willing to contest everything literally everything. At 7p on a Monday night, we olds don't stand a freaking chance. 6:33 PM-8 Jul 2019
    via @scottlincicome
  • 24
    Text - Jessica Richardson Follow @inirichardson Replying to @scottlincicome I heard myself say, "This is not a democracy and I am not asking for your input. I'm telling you what's going to happen." And froze. My mother's words from my lips. Verbatim. Down to the tone. 6:39 PM-8 Jul 2019
    via @scottlincicome
  • 25
    Text - softCore Libertarian Follow @EIJefeDotOrg Replying to @scottlincicome My "favorite" part of Parenthood is laying down random, arbitrary, hastily determined rules and holding them sacrosanct 7:03 PM-8 Jul 2019
    via @scottlincicome
  • 26
    Text - Potato-Growing Hermit 2bigdoghouse Follow Replying to @scottlincicome it's all downhill for the parent who abandons "because i said so." 6:20 PM-8 Jul 2019
    via @scottlincicome
  • 27
    Text - NJay @noorzahraj Follow Replying to @scottlincicome @SethASwanson 3 YOs... wth is wrong with them. My 3 yo can routinely make my 33 yo self cry for my mom (I wish I was exaggerating) 12:10 AM -9 Jul 2019 from Ardmore, OK
    via @scottlincicome
  • 28
    Text - just angie @shefindstruth 5h Replying to @jamesoliphant @scottlincicome Assessment as parent of 15 and 12:1 cannot win. They argue with me when I'm not even disagreeing with them. It's mind-blowing. I MIGHT be able to negotiate, if I knew what we were discussing. just angie @shefindstruth 5h Me: Can you come empty the dishwasher please? 12: IT'S NOT EVEN WORTH IT ANYMORE! Me: what? 12: FINE! I HATE HER ANYWAY! Me: ummmm .stomps into kitchen..
    via @scottlincicome
  • 29
    Text - AnG Follow Gahal79 Replying to @docthewondercat @scottlincicome My toddler likes to bust out the "you're the best mommy" or "I love you soo00 much" lines when he's in this situation. Cheater 12:02 AM-9 Jul 2019
    via @scottlincicome
  • 30
    Text - Ann Slater Follow @Ann Slater22 Replying to @jnjrichardson @scottlincicome Since having my first child 20 years ago, I have repeatedly found myself calling my mom to apologize for my childhood behavior. Ironically, my first child is now working her way through to become a lawyer. 8:56 AM-9 Jul 2019
    via @scottlincicome
  • 31
    Text - American Poodle Follow @VelcroPoodle Replying to @scottlincicome Babysitting prepared me for this. Short term solution was always use dessert as the bartering chip. 6:22 PM-8 Jul 2019
    via @scottlincicome

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