Assorted Tweets For Your Bored Perusal (24 Amusing Tidbits)

  • 1
    Text - Jeff Computers @JeffMyspace My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently "filling the deep well of sadness inside of me" was incorrect. 23:59 28 Aug 19 Twitter for iPhone 392 Retweets 1,750 Likes
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  • 2
    Text - WhitePeopleHumor @whitememejesus I'm really excited to wait 18 weeks to see who the Patriots beat in the Super Bowl
  • 3
    Text - Gavin Free @GavinFree There should be a word to describe the amount of time you spend staring at a ceiling fan to see if the switch you just hit actually turned it off or not. 5:18 PM 06 Sep 19 Twitter for iPhone
  • 4
    Text - emma @emclairefarrell This is how my prof cancelled class this morning Sorry again! If it's any consolation, I am- as the youths say- straight- up not having a good time right now. Attached File Social Chapter 1 Slides.pptx - 5.23 MB CANVAS
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  • 5
    Text - Red @injera_bae So I walk into the bathroom and this girl stops me from entering the stall and says: "Sorry I couldn't help but notice your earrings, are you from Texas??" These are the earrings I was wearing: asaor 2:21 PM 9/5/19 Twitter for iPhone
  • 6
    Text - danielle weisberg @danielleweisber bury me with a hair tie on my wrist just in case 9:53 PM 8/31/19 Twitter for iPhone
  • 7
    Text - Olly iConic @OllyiConic kidnapper: we have your son dad: let me speak with him kidnapper: go ahead you're on speaker dad: dumbass
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  • 8
    Text - Admiral Snaccbar @SimplySnaccbar Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey? Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest. Dora: *stares blankly* Me: Dora: Me: Dora: Me: Dora: Me: *nervous sweating* Dora: that was my favorite part too! Me: Oh thank god
  • 9
    Text - CoorsLightCowboy @discotits69 one time i swallowed cum and said compliments to the chef and he didnt laugh 8:45 PM 04 Sep 19 Twitter for iPhone 8,310 Retweets 96.8K Likes
  • 10
    Text - roxane gay @rgay On House Hunters, and this is real she is a dog blogger and director of sales at a raw dog food start up. 1:02 AM 06 Sep 19 Twitter for iPhone 50 Retweets 1,295 Likes @rgay 6h Replying to @rgay roxane gay Their budget is 525K t 14 632 13 roxane gay @rgay 6h He needs a coffee bar because making coffee is how he relaxes t12 23 783
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  • 11
    Text - Marcy G @BunAndLeggings My husband is always chucking dirty diapers at me, so this morning I decided to throw one at him while he was on the bed in front of the toddler, and he moved and I hit my toddler on the face with her own dirty diaper. The look of betrayal on her face, she cried, I'm sorry baby. 19:04 05/09/2019 Twitter for Android 206 Retweets 2.278 Likes
  • 12
    Text - Hank Moody @HakJags Only if he's cute Auset @tesuailak 5d Do men grab other men's waists when they are trying to get by or...? 17:08 05 Sep 19 Twitter for iPhone
  • 13
    Text - Dr.unk Phytologist Swiss Army Biol... @DrunkPhyto Hey you, I'm going to tell you a secret. A palm tree? It's in the same family as grass. It's a grass that got so big that we were like, "Yeah, that's a tree" But it isn't, not really. You cut it open, there are no rings. There are no branches. Just big ol leaves made of lies. 6:48 PM 9/4/19 Twitter for Android 840 Retweets 4,317 Likes
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  • 14
    Text - Michael Tiberi @michaelisbasic Me: what could go wrong? Anxiety: Glad you asked. Here's an essay with examples and sources cited in MLA format.
  • 15
    Text - St.Boujee @StBoujee SE.Bojce It's refreshing to think that every cell in your body is replaced within a 10 year period. Meaning one day you'll have body your ex never touched
  • 16
    Text - @HaleaMoriah PSA: I DO NOT care how many blankets Ihave, I will always be thrilled when receiving a blanket as a gift. I want infinite comfort items.
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  • 17
    Text - Betches betches@betchesluvthis when my boss rejects my PTO request Mrs. Petty @NICKIMINAJ 1d I've decided to retire & have my family. I know you guys are happy now. To my fans, keep reppin me, do it til da death of me,X in the box- cuz ain't nobody checkin me. Love you for LIFE
  • 18
    Text - When you burn sage and have an allergy attack because you're the evil spirit
  • 19
    Text - Pin Up Teacher @pinupteacher How to be a grown up at work: Replace "Fuck you" with "Ok, great"
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  • 20
    Text - James Potter @dontforgetjames A big shout out to Lena Headey who made $1,000,000 an episode this season for standing at a window drinking a glass of wine. An icon.
  • 21
    Text - ellen rebecca @elllenrebecca Anyone else find calling in sick to work so embarrassing like I literally feel like a child doing it
  • 22
    Text - Molly Priddy @mollypriddy 1d when do the house hunters kill the house
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  • 23
    Text - Joe Young @JoeYoungComedy Ibought one-ply toilet paper to see if I'd like a finger in my ass. 12:21 PM 9/6/19 Twitter for iPhone
  • 24
    Text - Ricky @MattMaeson someone literally died on my flight today so we made an emergency landing and everyone missed there connections. The guy behind me was complaining saying "how is it an emergency if they're already dead" and I'd just like to say that you sir, are the devil.


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