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Fresh Tweets From The Clever Depths Of Twitter

Twitter is an absolute cesspool of political drama, porn, and general dumbassery. But sometimes people who are a hell of a lot funnier than we are show their comic mettle in the form of a tweet. We've put together some of these funny tidbits in case you need a reminder that Twitter can still be entertaining and not just horrible.

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  • 1
    Text - karl hess @karlhess in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there 1:06 PM 02 Sep 19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 2
    Text - Pre K @stayfrea_ Benadryl smart as hell. U cant have allergies when u asleep for 7 hours
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  • 3
    Text - Anne T. Donahue @annetdonahue oh so you liked HOT GIRL SUMMER? well, buckle the fuck up for EXHAUSTED ADULT FALL. our drink of choice is a lukewarm coffee from earlier this morning, and we eat our meals standing over the sink. the tagline? "i think i'm getting sick." our theme? whatever's already playing.
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  • 4
    Text - I think it was a bit premature for @Starbucks to close #Orlando stores starting YESTERDAY. I get safety of staff but you're the ONLY business closed in the complex yesterday & our #Dorian forecast is clear even today. Disappointed in one of my favorite companies. #HurricaneDorian Choose another store to order ahead Due to Hurricane Dorian, for the safety of our partners and customers, A barista will be glad to take your order here in person. our store will be closed today. Got it We look
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  • 5
    Finger - Evan J Worthen @harambevan My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
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  • 6
    Text - Troop @Troop_CoD BREAKING: HERE'S THE LATEST TRACK OF DORIAN. BACK TO YOU KAREN #Dorian2019 CANADA UNITED ST OF AME BAR CUBA DOMINICAN HAITI REPUBLIC ATL BELIZE HONDURAS JAMAICA GUATEMALA LSALVADOR NICARAGUA DAD AND TOSAGO
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  • 7
    Product - living dead girl @cptlayne so this is what ke$ha meant @craysounds_ 2d CRAY Morning! Starting my day off right. Teeth health is so important JACK DANIELS LISTERINE WHISKEY FLAVOR 40% ALCOHOL Tennessee SOUR MASH WHISKEY KILLS GERMS,REZ PROBABLY
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  • 8
    Text - Nate Usher @thenatewolf ME: the internet used to come in through the phone. It made a terrible noise, like robots screaming. GRANDSON: hush grandpa take your pills
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  • 9
    Text - Ross Sayers @Sayers33 Millennial culture is going to a pub quiz, naming your team 'Quiz All Over My Face', getting full marks for the film & music rounds, doing crap on history & sport, and coming 2nd to a group of old guys who are on first name terms with the quizmaster
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  • 10
    Text - E.F.P @TheLastFunnyOne Children are the best fundraisers because they don't understand basic economics; Principal: The student who raises more than $500 gets a free hat! 12 year old me: This is such a great deal #FirstDayOfSchool #whitepeople #Economics 12:30 PM 03 Sep 19 Twitter for Android
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  • 11
    Text - Eric with an A (Erac) @barbaric_aric I went to a new seminar today. I didn't want to disturb the speaker, so I tried to sneeze into my elbow. There was a Cough drop in my mouth, so Iended up blowing a giant raspberry on my arm. It literally echoed. I won't be going back. 5/15/19, 12:52 PM
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  • 12
    Text - No one: Millennials: Let me just put it this way: If were shot in the head, I'm pretty sure everything would be fine. almost welcome it.
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  • 13
    Text - Co @1800CO Girl I'd knock you out for Popeyes chicken sandwich Justine Deborah @99_nelago_04 3d Would you punch me for $4 million??? Show this thread 11:58 AM 31 Aug 19 Twitter for iPhone 16.6K Retweets 66.4K Likes
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  • 14
    Text - Tony Hawk @tonyhawk At will call: I have 2 tickets for Hawk agent: "Can I see your ID?" me: I forgot it but I have a credit card other agent: "He's Tony Hawk" agent: "he doesn't have ID" guy behind me: "that's him" agent: "I can't find your name" me: there is no E on the end agent: "here you go"
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  • 15
    Text - JOAN OF ART @umcornell so i just found out that apparently, lemon isn't naturally occurring and is a hybrid by cross breeding a bitter orange and a citron, which means life never gave us lemons; we invented them all by ourselves THE HOOD ORACLE @emoblac... Nov 10, 2018 What's on y'all mind 7:11 PM Nov 16, 2018 Twitter for iPhone 259.1K Likes 74.1K Retweets
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  • 16
    Text - Darian Jones @solodolo516 I applied to the Bachelor, but them mfs taking way too long so I'm about to invite 20 of my tinder matches to the same bar and figure this shit out my damn self
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  • 17
    Text - Kevin Ryan @KevinRyanComedy DNKN' Uber: Making poor people feel fancy since 2011
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  • 18
    Text - Derpybear Follow @Derpybearr Top 15 peoppe I wanna meet IRL 1 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8 9. 10. 11 12. 13 14. 15. I'm antisocial 8:49 PM - 1 Sep 2019 20 Retweets 186 Likes ti20 10 186
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  • 19
    Water - Alex Midd @alexmidd86 Corporate America be like: Access to clean water: is it *really* essential for a healthy lifestyle? 11:14 AM 02 Sep 19 Twitter for Android
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  • 20
    Text - martha knight @marthonite 'no worries if not!' I type, with full knowledge that, if not, I will worry 9:35 AM 27 Aug 19 Twitter for iPhone 13.3K Retweets 60.9K Likes
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  • 21
    Text - @lotives don't put ur business on social media & then tell us to mind our business. bitch, i'm on season 3, episode 4 of ur bullshit
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  • 22
    Text - Molly Priddy @mollypriddy am 33 years old, sees my fifth-grade teacher* me: "Oh man, hi Mrs. Smith!" Mrs. Smith: "hi! you know you can call me Anne now, we're both adults!" me: "hahah absolutely not, have a nice summer though, great to see you, Mrs. Smith!"
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  • 23
    Plant - @annajames33 anna first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order am I doing this wrong WHY MAS S Subs on th Fdelicios bh WAY MRK SUBWAY SUBWAY W CHOICES Enjoy NEWa te m Extra Toppings pieed Beetroot toe
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  • 24
    Text - trenton @asapswivel i'm deleting tinder 10:29 10:22 LTE lLTE Niki Angie YOU MATCHED WITH NIKI ON 8/25/19 YOU MATCHED WITH ANGIE ON 8/25/19 Imagine this. We are both strangers in a grocery store but we will some how make eye contact in the produce section. My hands are full of limes I am Imagine this. We are both strangers in a grocery store but we will some how make eye contact in the produce section. My hands are full of limes I am unable to hold all of them. Limes are unable to hold all
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  • 25
    Product - trenton @asapswivel i'm deleting tinder Angie YOU MATCHED WITH ANGIE ON 8/25/19 10:39 LTE Imagine this. We are both strangers in a grocery store but we will some how make eye contact in the produce section. My hands are full of limes I am unable to hold all of them. Limes are falling all over the ground. Rolling left, right and just all over. You rush over in an effort to help and I look deeply in to your eyes and say, "sorry I'm bad at pickup limes" Today 10:21 PM Okay, that was reall
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  • 26
    Text - Erica @eerriicaa A wedding? You mean an open bar where two people are getting married
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  • 27
    Text - Katie Hannigan @katiehannigan My friend got a degree in egyptology, but can't get a job, So he's paying more money to get a Phd, so he can work teaching other people egyptology. In his case college is literally a pyramid scheme.
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  • 28
    Text - 10:06 nM 97 Tweet Kellen @captainkalvis there are 20 billion hot dogs made each year they are each 6 inches long that's 10 billion feet of hot dogs the moon is only 1 billion feet away from earth so that means... [narrows eyes] hot dog moon bridge
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  • 29
    Text - 13 year old me: why is my mom texting me? mE now: i'm gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it's super green.I think she'll like it.
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  • 30
    Text - Iron Rhyme @Rhymestyle 24m So they took a handful of MacBooks and 3 iPhones? G Gizmodo @Gizmodo 13h Thieves steal more than $300,000 in Apple products after smashing glass wall with sledgehammer gizmo.do/ hTObliO POICE 5 t25 83
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