Bakagami

When teacking middle school kids, do not let one of them answer the phone. "Hello, city morgue, you kill em' we chill em'!" Is NOT what your boss wants to hear when he calls your room. #LFMF

That car leaving the parking lot? It just looks like yours. Running after the guy yelling won't change the fact that you were standing next to your own car when he drove by. #LFMF

When making household repairs with Superglue, be very careful of where you put the object being repaired. Otherwise, be prepared to hear the story of "how [you] glued a flip flop to the cat" at every family gathering for the rest of your life. #LFMF

When you are cleaning up the basement, be sure the gray lump drifting in the bucket is a cleaning cloth. Otherwise, it might be a drowned rat that you grab heartily. You will freak out and scream like a girl. #LFMF

Make sure the inside of a porta-potty is able to open from the inside, before you shut the door. It's a long, dark, 20 minutes before someone hears your screams for help. #LFMF

If you're relieving yourself at the urinal, do not close your eyes. Especially of you're tired. If do, you might accidentally fall asleep for a split second, lose your balance, then fall to the ground. Spraying the bathroom walls, along with your pants, with urine. #LFMF

A pedophile is NOT a nail file for your toenails. #LFMF

When having your boyfriend help you hold something down to super-glue it to something else, make sure he doesn't scratch the itch in his crotch. You may laugh until you cry, but the tears in his eyes are from the impromptu brazillian he just gave himself. And you'll sleep on the couch. #LFMF

There is no such thing as a stealthy fart when you're sitting on aluminum bleachers. #LFMF

If a member of your favorite band says the name of a website in an interview, don't go to it. The website could be videos of girls naked from the waist down, spreading their cheeks and farting on food. #LFMF

When walking home after a rough day, do not immediately turn to the guy in the car beeping at you and call him a f**king degenerate pedophile. It will be your father trying to give you a ride. He will stop the car, get out, put you over his shoulder like when you were 7, and throw you in the car. You will have a very uncomfortable conversation about where you learned your manners and vocabulary. everyone around will stare. and possibly call the police. #LFMF