Lunar_Guardian

Me: This is an ipod touch. You can listen to music and watch tv and stuff on it. Great Grandpa: ...

Grandma's 80th birthday party speech: Grandma: ...and so we were blessed with seven kids, becaus...

Dad: (to new boyfriend) There's the fridge, there's water, soda, and beer...oh wait you're under ...

*Driving with my Grandmother in the car* Grams: Oh look, there is a drug bust at that church. ...

(While reading an article about someone stealing a condom machine) Mom: Why would someone want t...

Mum: Get the hell of that video game and watch TV!

(While cleaning out the frige) Dad: Is this cucumber still good? Mom: I don't know, is it squis...

Grandma: You know, i've never sworn before! Me: Ever? That's not true... Grandma: what have I s...

Mum: After having three kids swinging off them, my boobs stopped being so nice.

*My mom is leaving for New Years* Mom: I need you to watch the house and your older brother this...

Mom: If you were murdered, could I use your 300 dollars? Me: Sure, but why would you say that? ...

dad (giving me the talk): Just keep the damn thing in your pants until you know what the hell you...

(while walking by a large patch of fresh snow) Dad: That would be a great place to urinate your ...

Stranger: Oh, you two had twins? Dad: I had a coupon!

While driving and observing traffic lights. Mum: If people from 100 years ago came to our time, ...

*Taking nasal spray* Me: How do I do this again? Mom: You have to sniff hard like you're doing ...

Me:Mom,what's the difference between a roach and a cockroach? Mom:One has a cock,and one doesn't...

(going shooting with mom, my friend and his cousin) Me: That glock hasn't been fired in about a ...

Mom pushing buttons furiously on the car's console. ME: What are you trying to do? MOM: Turn of...

Me: Dad, let's go you need to take me to work Dad: I can't, I'm on the phone, hellloooo! Me:..D...

Mom: Stop cutting your nails so short! How are they going to find your killer's DNA under them? ...

(Trying to wake mom up) Me: Mom, it's time to get up! Mom: Leave me alone! I can do it later. I...

Mom: If you make a plan, plan the plan and that's the plan. Got it?

Mum: You'll eat what's put in front of you! Step-Dad: (winking) You're in front of me.

Mom, yelling at a neighbour, which was hammering something on the wall in opposite apartment: If ...

Mom: I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the flip-flop Jesus.

Dad: Your mother has just come up with a new rule I think is very sensible, and we should all lis...

Dad: "It's nice to see you're dating him. The family always thought you'd end up with a guy 30 ye...

Mom: You know, I can't remember my sister ever having a bad temper when we were younger. Me: Mom...

Grandma: I was laying in bed last night and I farted. Something smelled horrible, but I couldn't ...