dianaelizabeth44

We are listening to the radio and "Fireflies" comes on. My Mom: Who the hell sings this? Me: Ow...

[at Red Lobster] Dad: You didn't eat all your shrimp?! That's like leaving socks behind at a hot...

Dad: I was almost pope you know!

Dad: He was driving a Stanley Cooper. Me: A who? Dad: He won a Stanley Cooper on The Price is ...

Dad: It was about a sailor. Mom: then it couldn't have been about my grandpa. Dad: why not? Mo...

Mom: "I don't get it, in the 70s women fought for having sex without having babies, now they want...

My Mom upon going through my facebook photos after she finally joined: "You look interesting inth...

My (generally benign) mum after my brother and his new fincee left our house: Well... she was a w...

Dad: "You can't get your first real job at that company, that's what I did. That would be like I ...

Mom: Can you guys turn that down please? Me: ...That's the train, mom.

Dad: Oh, hoarding. Me: Yes, what did you think we said? Dad: Whore-ding. Me: Whore like Hi, I'...

Mom (mad at me for something): That's it! You've lost your shower privileges! (Then she realized ...

Me: He wants to cut his hair because he says he looks emo. Mom: Like that little, red, fuzzy guy...

Mom: "I'm surprised you all (me and my 3 siblings) turned out so well with how much I drank while...

My Aunt upon meeting my best friend (who has rather large breasts): It looks like the Lord bless...

Dad: "You know that movie with that guy in it who does that thing?" Mom: (without hesitation):...

From Mom - "Hi Dear. I'm sending you some passion flower extract to help reduce the stress in you...

My elderly uncle and dad after a kid tells them that he is going swimming at the hotel: Uncle: w...

Me: "I've decided I'm definitely going to go to college with Rebecca." Mom: "Oh sweetie, you p...

Dad (while teaching me how to drive): Your speedometer HAS to be on ZERO when you turn!

Mom: You turn 25 this year, right? Me: You should know. You had me. I'm your only child. Mom: R...

Dad: Close the door! They don't automatically close like an asshole!

Sitting in the back seat on the way to a Doctor's appointment: Mom: Am I dressed? Like do I have...

Dad, while we are both standing at the kitchen counter, each cutting up a whole chicken: "This i...

Grandma: This woman cut me off today, she was driving in my lane! I could have drop kicked the bi...

Grandma: "If you don't stop partying, I am going to Jap-Slap you!!"

Dad: There is no umbrella in this muffin!

Grandma: "I'm bedridden, Anna. I can't walk anymore!" Me: "That's awful! But the your phone is i...

Mom, after gagging while brushing her teeth: Man. I would have never made it as a pornstar.

Mom: Why don't you just send your brother a tex mex? Me: What? You mean a text message? Mom: Y...