dianaelizabeth44

Dad (After my mom brought home some soda as a treat): "Who bought this poision water?!"

Dad: (While reading a note) Huh? What's 'ponsilitis'? Mom: It's 'tonsilitis'. The T looks like a...

Mom *grabbing my boobs*: SAUSAGE BRA!!!

Mom: 'Are those your bones out in the garden?' Me: 'Yeah, I'm bleaching them,' Mom: 'Honey, the...

Sister-"You put Bailey's in your cereal?" Mom-"We ran out of milk."

Mom: I would give you a hug but i'm not wearing a bra and it would probably make you feel uncomfo...

Dad: Let's pick up anything the dog might chew on. Me: OK, where should I put these shoes? Dad:...

Mom: I think I just motorboated myself! Dad: Hell yea!

"If you're not sweating like the guest of honor at a shotgun wedding, I didn't cook it right"

My mom to me discussing about me movingout "We want to help you to go away."

Dad: "The best way to get over guy, is to get under a new one!"

((Dad sizing up his thumb to my mom's big toe)) Dad: Yeah, if I ever lose my thumb, your big toe...

Mom: You should read this mystery novel I just finished. I think you'd like it. Me: What is it a...

Dad:(to me) Do you know why I started smoking? Me: No, why? Dad: So you can start and then we c...

Mom: "If you're not a ninja the broom isn't going to help ya"

Dad: No I won't come to New York to see you... but if you turn into a zombie, I'll be the first t...

While unloading the dishwasher and watching the dog. Mom: Look at the dog, shes protecting that ...

Dad: What's that thing you always do, you know...head-hand? Me: Facepalm. Dad: Oh, facepalm!

After cutting my cat's nails because they were too long. Me: "Ok, his nails are all cut, except ...

Dad: "I had no idea Russian's could speak English." Me: "Are you serious? You speak English." ...

Mom:oh no, we forgot to cover the trashcans before the penguins get in! Me: what? Mom: you know...

Mom: I haven't drank this much since before I was 21... Me: *stare* Mpm: Oh wait...you didn't h...

Dad: If your new roommate has a cat, don't leave any weed on the oven. Me: Sounds like you have ...

Me (Trying to wake up mom): [Sister] fell against the wall and hurt her head. Mom: Which wall?

*mom* You don't have the authority to touch that cupcake!!!

Mom: "Ryan, is the wireless on your laptop on?" Me: No. why do you ask?" Mom: "I thought it mig...

Dad, refering to his dog: "She's cuter than dead babies!"

Me: Are you eating paper again? Mum: NO! .... Maybe.

On an excuse note for school: "Please excuse (me) from school. She was totally pre-menstrual and...

Mom (as I'm having a horrible nosebleed that's gushing out everywhere): Ooo your blood's really b...