furiesandfates

While shopping at JC Penny. Mom: *Suddenly points to a bruise on her arm* See that bruise? That'...

Cousin: Grandma, you know what a blowjob is? Grandma: WHAT? *in shock* My Mom: Honey, your gran...

As we were headed downstairs because of a tornado, I grabbed a powerade. Dad: "Don't bring that....

Me: Oh, f*ck... Mom: Dina! Watch your mouth! Grandma: Hey now...if she's old enough to do it, s...

*While driving, my mom looks out the window and sees cows grazing* Mom: Are those beef cows? Da...

(walks into the room seeing my step-dad Tom watching the moths on the ceiling) Me: What the hell...

[My dad is arab so his English isn't perfect - it's pretty good.. but not great...] Dad: So b...

Dad:son, did you know an avergae female breast weighs about 3 pounds? Me: no i did not Dad:Do y...

(I'm an only child) Mom: Sara, don't ever have an only daughter. It's the biggest mistake you'll...

Me: Hi, I was just calling to let you know that my e-mail address changed. Grandma: But, do you ...

Dad: (to the dog) Or jump on Caroline. Go on, Toffee, she wants you. In the biblical sense. Me: ...

My dad was making popcorn and put the bag upside down. Me: Dad you're a noob, you don't even kno...

Grandma: Ohhh, a hair dryer for Christmas thanks so much, dear! Me: You're welcome. Grandma: ...

Mom (after I answered "I dont remember" to her question) - Your memory is as long as your penis!

Mom: (after winning the Jeopardy game) haha! now you have to be my slave! Dad: as long as you us...

(my parents and I are walking through a store with me on one of my dad's arms, my mom on the othe...

Grandma: "Jules, you have such a nice chest why can't you get one of those college boys?"

(After my brother had been in the shower for a long time) Dad: You'd better not be spanking your...

Mom : "Things were so much easier with your brothers. I didn't have to buy them boob doilies."

Dad: Don't you ever marry a woman poorer than you. I did it and then you were born

Mom: Why are there so many kids with shirts from that college? Me: What college? Mom: Hollister...

Dad: Actually, your life insurance is worth more than mine and mom's, and since you don't work, y...