lolerpede

When playing co-ed soccer on a Christian league and a guy you know kicks the ball as hard as humanly possible, do NOT think you can impress your crush who is ten feet from you by stopping it with your stomach. You WILL double over, screaming curses for all the world to hear, get kept out of the rest of the game, and when your crush's mom had offered to drive you home and proceeds to do so, it will be a very quiet ride. #LFMF

NEVER EVER cook bacon naked, your wee-wee+boiling fat= screaming so loud you wake up all your neighbors #LFMF

Leftover chinese takeaway is not a good breakfast idea. Esp. when you're meeting a professor about your thesis this morning - he might be so proud of you, he'll ask you to speak to first years. You will suffer trying not to fart in front of 200 starry-eyed students. #LFMF

No matter how bored you are, don't try toasting your bread with a Zippo lighter. Lighter fluid-flavored bread tastes like Satan's excrement. #LFMF

When finding an open carton of your favorite juice in the fridge don't take a big gulp of the juice. Don't drink it at all. Unless you like the feeling of a drowned spider in your mouth. A big spider. With hairy legs. #LFMF

It's not a good idea to schedule a dentist appointment and music lesson for the same evening. It's hard to play the saxophone when your lip is still numb from the Novocaine, and embarrassing when you're blowing raspberries while trying to play a song with your teacher. #LFMF