maesma

Mom: Go change your shorts; you look like you have a dick!

Me: Happy birthday Dad! Dad: Happy Conception Day!

Drunk Mom: Is that a bathing suit top? Me: Yeah I grabbed it on accident & don't want to go down stairs to change yet. Mom: Oh...your boobs look amazing. Me: Thank you Mom: *phone rings & answers* Hi honey...nothing we're just talking about your daughters amazing clevage today.

(Talking about Roller Coasters) Mom: I'll ride just about anything. Step-Dad: Yeah, I've heard that about you.

Me: I can't believe that you didn't know the Sun was the largest thing in the solar system! Didn't you learn that in the 5th grade? Mom: Well, you've gotta remember, it's been 38 years since I was in 5th grade. Me:...so? Mom: What, like you remember anything from 38 years ago. Me: .. I didn't exist 38 years ago. Mom: I rest my case.

(Sleep-talking) Dad: Mikel..Missy...LOCK UP DEM MONKEHS!!!!

Dad: Of course my fly is down! I'm trolling for chicks!

Mom: We should hide our condoms somewhere else. Your son has been stealing them. Dad: What? At least someone is using them.

*while cracking eggs* Mom: "It's gonna be okay, little yolk. I'm sorry you didn't become a chicken."

Mom: Why would your cousin wear a strapless wedding dress when she has "69" tattooed on her chest?! Me: Mom, that's the symbol for Pisces. Mom: You mean I just explained to your aunt what 69 is for no reason??

Me: I miss the old WIndows paperclip! Dad: I see you're trying to reminisce about me. Want some help?

Dad: "Sometimes I just wish I could pee in bed. So I wouldn't have to get up."

(After grabbing a beer) Dad stops in the middle of the room, kicks forward, then back, spins around then says... "It IS what its all about" Me: What? Dad: The Hokey Pokey... (drinks Beer)

(Trying to have a serious talk with my mom) Me: Mom, I'm gay. Mom: Well you better figure it out cause your making taco's for dinner!

Mom: You know, here's something to think about you. You came from my vagina. I OWN YOU.

Mom: So was it a date? Me: I don't know. Dad: You coy bitch. You know, we hate people like you.

Mom: Scott, don't twirl that steak knife around. You're going to hurt yourself. Me: But mom... you're licking the sauce off of the edge of a pizza cutter... Mom: ...well it's different...

(We are looking at the HMS Belfast) Mum: Why's that boat painted like that? Me: It's camoflage Mum: But you can still see it?