slam_a_seel_care

Dad: Wow that sure is a fancy lookin' radio. Me: Dad, that's a printer...

Mom: Did you know kitchen is chicken spelled backwards? Me: good to know...

(A week to the day earlier I asked my mom what the fuzzy thing in star trek was) Totally silent in the car, driving home from shopping. Mom: TRIBBLES!!!!! Me: What?! Mom: The fuzzy things in Star Trek they are called tribbles. Me: ...okay...

(my mom and I got sunburn at the beach earlier that day) Mom: I'm taking my bra off, I don't care what anyone says. Me: I think I need to take mine off too...this hurts too bad Mom: Yes, yes! LET 'EM FREE! Sweet Jesus, let the girls go free! DO IT! Me: ....

Talking to my grandmother about the new Playland ride ... Grandmother: Why would you want to be 280 ft in the air? Me: Well they have the same ride in Austria ... Grandmother: Well they had Adolf Hitler in Austria, too, but that wasn't so great ...

*My parents watching a dinosaur show* Mom: What are those things on its head? Dad: I don't know... Head boobs? Mom: Oh. *looks at me* HONEY, COME LOOK AT THE DINOSAUR! IT HAS HEAD BOOBS!

*Right after telling my mom that I'm gay* Mom: Well, then I guess I should give you the same advice that your Aunt Marion gave me when I turned 18. She said "Mary, if you want to keep a man, you need to be able to get his balls in your mouth." Me: O_O

Dad: So when are you gonna get laid or what? Me: ...I'm twelve. Dad: Don't lie to me, you're still 11!

Grandma, on facebook: Hi honey, I heard you had another one of your awful kidney stone episodes. I hear they are as painful as child birth! LOL, -Grandma. Me: What the? Grandma... you're just evil! D: Grandma: What did I do? Me: You laughed at my agony! Grandma: No I didnt! Me: You said LOL! Grandma: Yes, 'Lots of Love!' Me: LOL... Grandma: :) LOL to you too honey! Feel better!

(on my first weekend home after moving into the dorm at college) Dad: So, are any of your roommates Jewish? Me: ...um... I don't know. I think one of them said she was half Jewish. Dad: That's good. You'll get some culture.

*asian mom being asian* Mom: I heard your ex finished his PhD recently. He will earn a lot. Why did you leave him? Me: Because I'm in love with my current friend? Mom: You could marry your ex and take your current friend as lover. Me: .... ?

(At the beach, mom hands me a shell she found.) Mom: Here, smell this. Me: *sniff + about to vomit from the horrid smell* Why do you hate me? Mom: I did it because I love you.

*Discussing pen names* Me: So, if you aren't trying to hide your identity, why would you want a pen name? Dad: Well, say if you're writing an adventure novel, and you have a name like, say, Francis Ford Smiley, or something like that. You'd want a more dynamic name that sounds more tough, like Max Hardon, or something. Me: Uhh... Dad: Yeah, that sounds like a porno title or something... Mom: You would know. Me: *facepalm*

Mom: Grace, I'm fat. I don't like being fat. Go make me some cookies.

(At the Wizarding World of Harry Potter theme park in February) Dad: C'mon! I want some Butterbeer! Let's get sh*tfaced! I need to drink enough to make you a cork necklace, like Luna! Me: Dad, Butterbeer is non-alcoholic. Dad: ... I still wanna drink. Can there be Butterbeer AND beer?