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Fifty Funniest Relationship Tweets We scrolled Past This Year

Ready for the best and funniest 2019 relationship insights by the people of twitter? Guaranteed to make you laugh, cry or both. 

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  • 1
    Text - my name is no. @om_eye_goodness last year, i went on a date with a dude and when i told him i was reading Animal Farm again, he laughed obnoxiously for an entire minute and said i was too old to be reading children's books. i think about that a lot. .i wonder if he's still an idiot. 2:43 am · 25 Nov 2019 · Twitter for iPhone 58.6K Retweets 516.8K Likes
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  • 2
    Text - RJ @darkkskinrj Single food be $7.92 Relationship food be $93.73 9:55 pm · 7 Oct 2019 · Twitter for iPhone 56.5K Retweets 304.7K Likes
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  • 3
    Text - Dana Schwartz Follow @DanaSchwartzzz EVERY WOMAN IN MY LIFE: juggling 3 jobs, does yoga, cooks, goes to therapy, remembers everyone's birthday THEIR BOYFRIENDS: once almost made a dinner reservation but turns out the place was closed 1:44 PM - 17 Apr 2019 19,610 Retweets 130,744 Likes
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  • 4
    Text - BEN10 @monst1ace Girls are shit with birthday gifts you'll hint for a Rolex all year & she'll turn up with a jar that's filled with 22 things she loves about you lol 3:17 pm · 29 Nov 2019 · Twitter for iPhone 404.8K Likes 64.5K Retweets
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  • 5
    Text - boop @boopyape found out my mom drove HERSELF to the hospital when she was going into labor bc she was mad at my dad for not giving her enough attention and wanted to birth me by herself bc "men are incapable"... so yes I am the son of a petty queen and, yes, I will carry on her legacy. 8:01 pm · 6 Sep 2019 · Twitter for iPhone 518K Likes 78.1K Retweets
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  • 6
    Text - incorrigible mozart goose @_jazzghost_ casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex 6:29 pm · 8 Oct 2019 from Minneapolis, MN · Twitter for iPhone 526.6K Likes 127.9K Retweets
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  • 7
    Text - Tony P. @Tbone7219 Wife is going out tonight . Who wants to come over and talk and ask questions during a movie? 11:42 pm · 13 Sep 2019 · Twitter for iPhone 376 Likes 85 Retweets
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  • 8
    Text - I Pinned Tweet URSULA @3sunzzz My husband pissed me off so when he wasn't looking | poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He's been fixing it for the past 2 hours. 4:09 pm · 12 Oct 2019 · Twitter for Android 21.7K Likes 2.5K Retweets
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  • 9
    Product - Daniel "latkes & eggnog" Summers @WFKARS "You got my name wrong." ELIJAH @Elijah_Gavri · 3 Dec What's something you say in a Starbucks and that you can also say during sex? Show this thread STARBUCKS
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  • 10
    Text - average joe @jazz_inmypants what if u had to have sex every day during pregnancy to keep building the baby 9:38 pm - 18 Nov 2019 · Twitter for iPhone 21.2K Retweets 221.8K Likes
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  • 11
    Text - Lamar Jackson Stan Account @In_A_YamChele my nephew is 13 and starting to ask girls on dates. so he asked my brother what was the best way to ask a girl on a date and he told him to find something they were both interested in and ask if she wanted to do it. so my nephew asked the girl if she liked chicken nuggets. 4:51 pm · 25 Nov 2019 · Tweetlogix 527.2K Likes 59.4K Retweets
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  • 12
    Text - Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix Writing a 7-part mini-series about asking my wife where she wants to go for dinner 8:03 pm · 15 Nov 2019 · Twitter Web App 52 Retweets 319 Likes
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  • 13
    Text - Brad Wilson @brad_wilson4 If your names Hannah and your boyfriend is flying to Magaluf with 5 lads from Manchester today, I'm sorry to break it to you but I've just overheard him and his mates clap as the plane landed 4:08 pm · 16 Jul 2019 · Twitter for iPhone 15.3K Retweets 143.1K Likes
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  • 14
    Text - megan @littlestwayne my ideal husband has 23 instagram followers and his best pic of himself is from 3 years ago 10:37 pm · 23 Nov 2019 · Twitter for iPhone 32.2K Retweets 235.9K Likes
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  • 15
    Text - SWAGAMEMNON A @swagamemnon22 When guys turn 30 they have to pick a subclass: - podcaster/streamer - beer guy - guy who bikes to work - golfer 11:51 pm · 19 Nov 2019 · Twitter for iPhone 81.1K Likes 10.8K Retweets
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  • 16
    Text - Jess @Jessicaadxx So my BOYFRIEND comes home last night absolutely smashed, gets undressed and then just stands there in my room. So l'm like are you coming to bed? And he goes "no thank you, I'm sure you're lovely but I have a girlfriend" and goes to sleep on the floor fa 1:25 pm · 31 Aug 2019 · Twitter for Android 33.9K Retweets 286.2K Likes
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  • 17
    Text - @halsey being single is cool until you open a perfect avocado at breakfast and u have no one to show it to. 8:26 pm · 23 Mar 2016 · Twitter for iPhone 19.4K Retweets 37.1K Likes
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  • 18
    Text - llama Follow @LlamalnaTux women are all jealous of each other's handwriting but then are like 'l want to marry a doctor' like lol pick a lane 8:08 AM - 30 Apr 2019 73 Retweets 837 Likes
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  • 19
    Text - The Dad THE DAD @thedad I don't usually keep secrets from my wife, but it's honestly better if she doesn't know about the leftover pieces from our IKEA shelf 10:12 pm · 10 Nov 2019 · Buffer 14 Retweets 351 Likes
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  • 20
    Text - trick or yeet @sarahndipity18 no one: married girls on insta: being in love is the HARDEST thing ever but so WORTH IT we fight NONSTOP but we love like CRAZY I fucking HATE my husband but that's just part of being in LOVE true love is DIRTY & HARD but so REWARDING I LOVE doing his LAUNDRY & wiping his ASS 4:43 am - 7 Oct 2019 · Twitter for iPhone 61.9K Retweets 367.3K Likes
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  • 21
    Text - storm @tahkahseh To All the Boys Who Wasted My Time But Still Watch My Instagram Story Every Single Day 3:36 am · 25 Aug 2018 from Oakland, CA · Twitter for iPhone 55.3K Retweets 162.2K Likes
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  • 22
    Text - Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer Follow I went to lunch with friends and saw my husband at the restaurant. I was going to say his name but he was staring at his phone so I watched him. He was smiling. He typed. Then my phone dinged. And it was a video he forwarded of a dog wrestling a water hose. This is love. 6:14 PM - 23 Apr 2019 2,963 Retweets 17,336 Likes
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  • 23
    Text - Follow @relayer i'll marry the person that can go to a family event with me & still like me afterwords 9:36 am - 8 Jul 2019 19,983 Retweets 57,572 Likes
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  • 24
    Text - FU Tang Clan Follow @FU_Dad My wife's favourite hobby is texting me a question and not reading the answer 3:05 AM - 26 Apr 2019 174 Retweets 669 Likes
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  • 25
    Text - ta Jon Retweeted Laurazepam @andlikelaura 1st base: sex 2nd base: holding hands 3rd base: meeting their pet home run: letting them eat your food 6:17 pm · 5 Sep 2019 · Twitter for iPhone 53.8K Likes 6.6K Retweets
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  • 26
    Text - butters Follow @yung_butters british people be having sex like: mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i'm arriving 7:17 pm - 7 Jul 2019 98,316 Retweets 453,202 Likes
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  • 27
    Text - Yesika Salgado @YesikaStarr Hi mom. Can you come pick me up he has a five in one body wash. 9:11 am · 13 Oct 2019 from Los Angeles, CA · Twitter for iPhone 2K Likes 424 Retweets
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  • 28
    Text - Saddington 2 e @2Saddington Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway l'd give Titanic a 9/10 12:49 am · 13 Nov 2019 · Twitter for iPhone 21.8K Retweets 182.6K Likes
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  • 29
    Text - Rodney Lacroix @moooooog35 Follow Mornings when my wife can sleep in: Me: [tiptoeing around, whispering to kids, wearing only socks until I leave the house] Mornings when I can sleep in: Wife: DOES ANYONE ELSE WANT A SMOOTHIE [sound of blender] 3:45 am - 20 Jun 2019 183 Retweets 908 Likes
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  • 30
    Text - breezy @brivergenz I was on tinder and accidentally swiped left on a guy I had a HUGE crush on and I obviously wanted to match him, so I literally BOUGHT tinder premium for $9.99 JUST to go back and swipe right on him ..we didn't match 5:54 am · 22 Dec 2018 · Twitter for iPhone 226.3K Likes 13.5K Retweets
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  • 31
    Text - Stabbatha Christy Follow @LoveNLunchmeat Nude pics are for amateurs. Everyone knows the best way to get a man to notice you is to send pictures of your excellent parking skills. 11:57 am - 30 Dec 2018 464 Retweets 1,624 Likes
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  • 32
    Text - myra Follow @uheartlessbitch just because i loved you at one point does not mean i will always love you... I am not Whitney Houston 12:45 PM - 15 Apr 2019 36,896 Retweets 112,352 Likes
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  • 33
    Text - Stocking full of Nacho Enthusiast @leapeajo Didn't know being sick was a contest, until I got married. 3:13 am · 1 Dec 2019 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 34
    Cup - annie bananie Follow @annacatkopsky WHAT IF YOU GOT THIS FOR UR MAN WITHOUT LOOKING INSIDE FIRST CAN'T THINGS I CAN'T SAY UT SAY Good Morning Handsome YOU ARE GOING TO BE A DADDY 2:16 pm - 12 Aug 2017 23,104 Retweets 114,517 Likes
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  • 35
    Text - Touched By Ty Creative Services @TouchedByTy My husband pissed me off and think he finna sit in the living room and watch tv in peace. So, I downloaded the LG remote app and keep turning the TV off from the bedroom. He came in here and I acted like I was sleep. So now he thinks we have ghosts. 8:03 am - 3 Nov 2019 · Twitter for iPhone 79.9K Retweets 483.8K Likes
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  • 36
    Text - Elizabeth Hackett @LizHackett If my husband bought me a Peleton, l'd spend a year making selfie videos of me drying my bras on it. 3:10 am · 3 Dec 2019 · Twitter Web App 6.7K Likes 466 Retweets
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  • 37
    Text - Divergent Mama @Divergentmama My husband leaves town for a week: see ya! I leave town for a week: here's the kids pickup and dropoff times at school, all 3 practice schedules, doctors and dentist appointments, shopping list, dinner menu and PLEASE DONT FORGET TO FEED THE KIDS. 6:34 pm · 25 Nov 2019 · Twitter for Android 410 Retweets 2.4K Likes
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  • 38
    Clothing - Giselle @gisexllee I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this... they look nice BABE WTF iMessage Pay
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  • 39
    Text - ☆drive45☆ @drive45music my girlfriend just added uncooked pasta to cold water and then turned on the stove and when i said that she should boil the water before adding pasta she said "literally all men are the same" 2:02 am · 15 Oct 2019 · Twitter for iPhone 26.9K Retweets 267.8K Likes
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  • 40
    Text - Dana Donnelly @danadonly sometimes therapy is helpful, sometimes therapy is a middle aged woman watching a viral tiktok the guy you're dating made and looking up at you in disbelief saying "this? this is the boy you like?" 5:47 am · 30 Sep 2019 · Twitter for iPhone 43 Retweets 912 Likes
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  • 41
    Text - chudail @scarletbitch007 Sorry I replied the very second you texted. I have no life and shame 10:30 pm · 15 Nov 2019 · Twitter for Android 83K Likes 24.3K Retweets
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  • 42
    Text - t2 Robert Knop Retweeted Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy I describe my husband's style as "Is that what you're wearing?" 9:26 pm · 5 Aug 2019 · Twitter for iPhone 2K Likes 247 Retweets
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  • 43
    Text - Abby Govindan @abbygov women posting their ugly boyfriends on Instagram like "what would I do without this goof" girl you would thrive that's what you would do 11:06 pm · 20 Nov 2019 from West University Place, TX · Twitter for iPhone 309.3K Likes 43.3K Retweets
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  • 44
    Text - Josh Follow @iwearaonesie My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can't see the mailbox when she's backing up? 1:22 PM - 26 Apr 2019 332 Retweets 2,090 Likes
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  • 45
    Text - The Dad @thedad THE DAD Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you're not using yours. 11:36 pm · 28 Aug 2019 · Buffer 611 Retweets 3.6K Likes
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  • 46
    Text - Abanoma Abeiku @Wo_Fie_Bayie I've Never Seen A Groom Or A Bride Going To The Toilet On Their Wedding Day... Do They Wear Pampers? 10:43 am · 30 Aug 2019 · Twitter for Android 156 Retweets 409 Likes
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  • 47
    Text - THue Grl WHơ Came to SlaY @Mom_Overboard 75% of the time spent together in modern relationships is just comparing phone battery life to determine who gets to use the charger first 8:49 pm · 20 Oct 2019 · Twitter for iPhone 248 Likes 73 Retweets
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  • 48
    Cat - Danny @yaboydann Follow This the look your girl gives you every time a guy does something romantic on tv
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  • 49
    Text - sarah nicole ryer @sarahnicoleryer have you or a family member ever dated a guy named matt. you maybe entitled to compensation 4:31 am · 15 Oct 2019 · Twitter for iPhone 10.6K Retweets 78.1K Likes
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  • 50
    Text - Follow @relayer girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade level. he's not ignoring your text, he's sounding it out. give him a second. 2:13 pm - 13 Jul 2019 64,521 Retweets 364,289 Likes
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