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Twitter Gems Of The Relatable Variety

Is it just me, or are attention spans getting shorter? I can barely make it through an episode of Law and Order: SVU without zoning into the abyss of my smartphone. It takes me hours to do 30 minutes of cleaning because I get distracted and end up trying on my weirdly large selection of wigs. Fortunately, social media is more than able to appeal to this ADD nature, and Twitter definitely shines in this area. The character limit results in short and sweet nuggets of 280 character gold. Which we think pretty much anyone will have the capability to consume these 

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  • 1
    Text - Hannah Berner @beingbernz Some of you never ate multivitamin gummies as a snack in college and it shows.
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    Text - jess @JessBelll1 some of us have low iron KRUEGER @KRUEGERXVI - 2d Some of you girls love sleep so much its scary Show this thread
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  • 3
    Text - wittyidiot @stephenszczerba I'm going to start Venmo requesting people who get me leave my house with the promise of a good time 1/30th of my rent if no fun was had. We holding socializing accountable in 2020 4:25 PM · 1/19/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 4
    Text - princesscryanna @princesscryanna Guy l'm hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as "us"
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    Text - Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix Me: [watching football] Wife: [silently reading at the end of the couch for three quarters of the game] Announcer: That was a huge hole! Wife: BAHAHАНА HUGE HOLE 2:21 PM · 1/19/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 6
    Text - Char @shesatornado BJ's and Dicks should team up for some kind of cross promotional thing. I haven't worked out all the details yet, but there is gold there 3:38 PM · 1/18/20 · Twitter for Android
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    Text - Best of Nextdoor @bestofnextdoor Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. W Elizabeth White River/Ravenswood/Keystone Hts Stouffers frozen entrees Has anyone noticed that some of the entrees have more water in them? Specifically spaghetti with meat sauce and Swedish meatballs? Maybe others. The sauce is less thick and when the meal is finished there is a little pool of water in one corner of the container. Profits over people. 18 hr ago · 46 neighborhoods in General 2:19 PM · 1/19/20 · Twitter
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  • 8
    Text - Cool Story Poe l @StoryPoe Me speaking to a human: "I would really appreciate it if you could get back to me with this information at your earliest convenience. Here is my contact information. Thank you!" Me speaking to a voicemail: "me...umm...is need...bananas." 5:13 AM · 1/16/20 · Twitter for Android
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  • 9
    Text - Satan's Spicy Nugs 8 @darzdamnn Face down, ass up-That's the way I'm pulling my laundry out of the washing machine. 3:38 PM · 1/19/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 10
    Text - Will O. @ThelntComShow I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing. 10:52 AM · 1/19/20 · Twitter for Android
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  • 11
    Text - El Georgia the Explorer l @FuzzyDuck17 Today I pulled a muscle in my thigh when I squatted to take a photo. I turn 40 in 2 months. Is this it? Is this how it starts? 3:10 PM · 1/19/20 · Twitter for Android
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    Text - Mama 2.0 @MamaBear2_0 Me to my 7yo son who's been in the shower for 10 minutes: Are you almost done? 7: Almost. I just have to wash my hair and my body OLBY GIF 6:37 PM · 1/19/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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    Art - Cesspool @of_a_genepool Forget nudes, show me your packet drawer. MILD 4:42 PM · 1/19/20 · Twitter for iPhone MiTLD This ia may good side MILU
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  • 14
    Text - Allan Bell @AllanBell247 I'm a No. 9, which are you? (also if anyone says they are a 13 just what are you doing lol) 4 5 2 3 10 11 17 15 16 18 12 13 14 7:34 PM · 1/19/20 · TweetDeck
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    Text - Elle on Deck @ellewasamistake [first day at a call center] phone: *ringing* me: no 4:07 PM · 1/18/20 · Twitter Web App
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  • 16
    Text - Roxi Horror @roxiqt Date someone that loves you no matter what your body looks like. Date someone that understands that your body may change over time. Date someone that knows you can't control how quickly you morph into a werewolf under the light of a full moon. Date someone that loves you for you. 7:34 PM · 1/19/20 · TweetDeck
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  • 17
    Text - Megan Rebekah @_meggybread My pet peeve is that one tumblr post about the Welsh translation of Harry Potter and how the house names sound silly, as though Hufflepuff were a real and sensible word 1:04 AM · 1/20/20 · Twitter Web App
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    Text - ur name here @tasha_why red lobster helps define who l am Answer a survey question to continue reading this content Question 1 of 2 or fewer: Which of these statements best describes how you feel about Red Lobster? I have never heard the name I have heard the name I know what Red Lobster does/makes I know Red Lobster stands out Red Lobster helps define who I am O Love it, defend it OR f Show me a different question 8 Red Lobster 9:15 AM · 1/19/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 19
    Product - sneaky dogfriend @GrrIGhost Lmao why have Zara decided to model jeans like this NEW NEW JEANS ZW PREMIUM PETIT WHITE ZW PREMIUM PETITE ACID BLACK JEANS 39.95 EUR 39.95 EUR 6:53 AM - 1/19/20 · Twitter Web App
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  • 20
    Text - @mina_pdx Replying to @postgrad_barty A professional eater(solid 200+lbs heavier than me, also 5'5)took me to my favorite burrito place, got himself 3 burritos to my 1(they're about 1.5lbs each), watched me take my first few bites, then showed me his favorite trick for winning competitions. The trick is to not chew. 7:30 PM · 1/19/20 · Twitter for Android
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    Text - Judy @judyohtweets There are two kinds of people. People who claim that exercising is invigorating and gives them energy- aka my husband-who declares, "I feel alive!" after a few hours of working out, and then me who needs a shower and a nap. 2:58 PM · 1/19/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 22
    Text - Kieran @KieranMSimpson date: what do you believe in? me: destroying nasa for what they did to pluto date: i meant religiously me: we should sacrifice nasa to satan for what they did to pluto 11:18 AM · 1/19/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 23
    Text - Tony @getbent81 In a toxic family system the black sheep is often just the person who sees through everyone else's bullshit. 12:54 PM · 1/19/20 · Twitter for Android
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  • 24
    Text - O Kate amongst the pigeons. @MorticiaKate Hear me out, a new tv show called "Doc April" he's a local village GP who solves crimes like Quincy, He also works like columbo, he makes you think he doesn't know what's happened but then BOOM he works it out straight away, then says his catchphrase "guess you got APRIL FOOLED" 10:49 AM · 1/19/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - Molly @mistrustme1 Sexting with me means liberal use of the word hoo haw. Sort of explains a lot about me, doesn't it? 9:35 AM · 1/19/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 26
    Text - Arianna Bradford @TheNYAMProject Oprah: And here, we have Arianna. Tell us: What are you most thankful for? Me: Ice cream. Spanx. Top shelf booze. O: Don't you have two kids? What about them? M: They can't drink booze, Oprah, don't be stupid. 4:58 PM · 1/19/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 27
    Dog - RaúlTM @Benitez0464 This is the one show me what's in ur mouth OR @moistbuddha draw 25 ONO
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  • 28
    Text - Mom Jeans @momjeansplease Me: l'd like to book a massage please Her: Swedish or deep tissue Me: What's the one where you just draw letters on my back and I have to guess them 9:21 AM - 1/19/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 29
    Text - Rob Lowe @RobLowe I didn't expect my hat to be the most interesting part of this game! Barstool Sports @barstoolsports · 9h Some people cheer for a team. Rob Lowe cheers for the Shield. FOX CH 5:18 PM · 1/19/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 30
    Text - jake @huntychan Congratulations to anyone who has ever written a cover letter
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  • 31
    Text - The Captain @sgrstk Before you commit to dating someone, make sure they don't have prior commitments that will interfere with your fun. Like a jogging routine, a strange way of eating, or somebody else they're already fucking.
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  • 32
    Text - El It's just me Smokey l @420iloveweed Her: what are you into? Me: WEIRD SHIT 12:05 PM · 1/17/20 · Twitter for Android
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  • 33
    Ecoregion - Price @Price_TW florida hates itself Imao EVER STATE'S LEAST FAVORITE STATE (ACCORDING To @MATTSURELEE'S INSTAGRAM FOLLOWERS) EEE Hates Michigan Hates Nebraska (| Hates N. Dakota Hates Texas Hates lowa Hates New Jersey Hates Ohio | Hates W. Virginia Hates California Hates Missouri Hates Oklahoma Hates Illinois Hates Florida Hates Kansas Hates Indiana Doesn't Hate Anyone Apparently (I didn't get any Hates Alabama Hates Virginia Hates Kentucky answers) Hates Massachussets I| Hates S. C
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  • 34
    Text - The Salty Mamas @saltymamas It's game night so we're having some amazing family time. Family time fighting over the rules to Trouble. Family time crying over who hasn't won Candyland. Family time picking up game peices that were thrown across the room when "THIS ISN'T FAIR." God I love quality time. 4:47 PM · 1/19/20 · Twitter for Android
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  • 35
    Text - Dad Bod Time Machine DB @TimeBod Your early thirties are a weird time. Last night I went to a party and found myself scooping up a beer pong ball from underneath a baby stroller. <>
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  • 36
    Text - Katie Didn't @Pork_Chop_Hair People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know Me, typing: "Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions." People: wait no, why are you like that 7:54 AM · 1/20/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 37
    Photo caption - shauna O @goldengateblond hi l'm Rob Lowe and when I watch football I root for the [checks hat] NFL NFL 5:04 PM · 1/19/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 38
    Text - 9 @ Sleep till AX! Taniaaa @nobledemonsxo It's two am in the morning, I'm cleaning my office and found a package I ordered quite a few months ago, ah yes my four (4) tiny cowboy hats I ordered that I remember being quite pricey for some reason, anyway turns out I can't read and accidentally ordered 60 tiny cowboy hats. 11:49 PM · 1/18/20 from Texas, USA · Twitter for Android
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