Comedy Gems From Lawrence Police Department's Twitter

Author image for mattstaff
mattstaff
Sep 26, 2020 11:00 PM EDT

The Lawrence Police Department's Twitter game is on point. They're providing some hilarious commentary about all the maddening times we find ourselves living in. They're doing it with what seems to be a nice balance between being helpful, and maintaining a sense of humor about everything. 

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  • 01
    Text - 0 Ô 9 + + 53% 19:38 PM nobile.twitter.com 1) Tweet Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD Is 20 tubes of disinfectant wipes a reasonable amount for a 600 sq ft apartment? It is not a reasonable amount. You should not buy that many tubes. Maybe just one or two? 3:02 PM · Mar 12, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone 267 Retweets 1.7K Likes 20+
    via @LawrenceKS_PD
  • 02
    Text - 9:37 PM Tweet Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD It's been 38 minutes since we told you to wash your hands and you've had your hands all over your germ infested phone reading tweets. Wash your hands, wipe down your phone, and return some TP to the store. And don't crime. 3:16 PM · Mar 12, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone 1.2K Retweets 6.6K Likes 20+
    via @LawrenceKS_PD
  • 03
    Text - O 9 + + 53% 19:38 PM nobile.twitter.com Tweet Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD Do you really need 12 pounds of ground beef? You having some kind of community taco bar? That violates social distancing standards and health laws on food safety. Just get one or two pounds. 3:09 PM · Mar 12, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone 358 Retweets 2.8K Likes 20+
    via @LawrenceKS_PD
  • 04
    Text - O 9 + 56% 19:45 PM nobile.twitter.com Tweet Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD This light dusting of snow in pretend winter is good practice for real winter. If you're having trouble driving in pretend winter, then during real winter you should take the real bus. 10:16 AM · Nov 11, 2019 · Twitter for iPhone 1.9K Retweets 11K Likes 20+
    via @LawrenceKS_PD
  • 05
    Text - Text - O 9 + + 53% 19:38 PM nobile.twitter.com Tweet Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD Ask yourself "is this enough toilet paper to last until August?" and then do not buy that much toilet paper. Also, don't steal toilet paper. That violates the no crime order. 2:58 PM · Mar 12, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone 624 Retweets 3.1K Likes 20+
    via @LawrenceKS_PD
  • 06
    Text - Text - O 9 + + 57% 1 9:45 PM nobile.twitter.com 1) Lawrence P... Following 4,552 Tweets Lawrence Poli... O · Oct 31, 2019 ('_-) <) ) Birthday \('_-) ( (> Suits (`_·) <) )> Aren't (_-) <) ) Costumes 265 27 2K 17 20+
    via @LawrenceKS_PD
  • 07
    Text - Text - O 9 + 56% 9:43 PM nobile.twitter.com Thread Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD Sall I want for Christmas iiissss yoooouuuuu- to not criminal tomorrow so ... we can eat food and watch Christmas movies in the briefing room. 3:50 PM · Dec 24, 2019 · Twitter for iPhone 662 Retweets 6.4K Likes 20+
    via @LawrenceKS_PD
  • 08
    Text - Text - + 55% 19:41 PM Thread Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD Got a little twitter dot com science lesson for you. Tomorrow, it's gonna rain. All day. Then at night, it's gonna get cold. Real cold. So, moisture on pavement goes from a "liquid" state, to a "slippy icy oh crap i tapped the brakes and now my car is sliding" state. 6:35 PM · Jan 9, 2020 · Twitter Web A 841 Retweets 6.3K Likes 20+
    via @LawrenceKS_PD
  • 09
    Text - Text - O 9 + + 58% i 9:48 PM Tweet Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD Protecting your family name outside a bar at 1:45 a.m. feels really important at the time, but is actually much less important when you wake up hungover the next morning with a battery citation. KU The University of K... Aug 20, 2019 If you could give incoming freshman one piece of advice for making the most of their first year of college, what would O:50 DM . Aua 21. 2010. Twitter for iDhona. 20+
    via @LawrenceKS_PD
  • 10
    Text - Text - + 55% 19:41 PM nobile.twitter.com Thread 36 27 341 ♡ 3.4K Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD Update: Snow. Snow e'rywhere. And it's colder than @RileyCountyPD's hearts. Please don't crime. It's so cold. 12:52 PM · Jan 11, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone 125 Retweets 1.7K Likes 20+
    via @LawrenceKS_PD
  • 11
    Text - Text - + 53% 9:37 PM Tweet Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD To all the ppl @-ing us about all the cow in your freezer that you bought months ago from a farmer. We aren't talking about you. We're talking about the people panicking and spending $600 per household member at the grocery store. Let's be reasonable. Also crime is still banned 3:43 PM · Mar 12, 2020 · Twitter for if 155 Retweets 2K Likes 20+
    via @LawrenceKS_PD
  • 12
    Text - Text - + 55% 9:42 PM Tweet Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD Things cheaper than a DUI: -Hiring a stretch Hummer -an Uber to Burrito King, around the city, then -a Lyft to Taco something for everyone in your complex, and tipping the driver $50 buying -buying a round of shots for everyone @ the bar, then walking home #DriveSober 20+
    via @LawrenceKS_PD
  • 13
    Text - Text - + 57% 19:47 PM nobile.twitter.com Tweet Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD Yes, we know your dad is a lawyer. No, we literally don't care. KU The University of K... Aug 20, 2019 If you could give incoming freshman one piece of advice for making the most of their first year of college, what would it be? 10:21 PM Aug 21, 2019 · Twitter for 2.7K Retweets 26.8K Likes 20+
    via @LawrenceKS_PD
  • 14
    Text - Text - O 9 + 55% 9:42 PM nobile.twitter.com Tweet Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD Happy New Year! So excited for the sound of gunshots calls that definitely weren't fireworks because I know what gunshots sound like... 12:06 AM · Jan 1, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone 173 Retweets 3.1K Likes I--L Da..--ld. einabina 20+
    via @LawrenceKS_PD
  • 15
    Text - Text - 0• Ô 9 + + 58% 19:49 PM Tweet Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD Don't sell weed out of your apartment. It sounds like an easy way to make money until you get robbed by your customer's friend's coworker's cousin twice removed. KU The University of K... · Aug 20, 2019 If you could give incoming freshman one piece of advice for making the most of their first year of college, what would it be? 9:44 PM · Aug 21, 2019 · Twitter for iP 20+
    via @LawrenceKS_PD
  • 16
    Text - Text - O 9 + + 58% 19:47 PM Tweet Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD You may think that stop sign would look great on your living room wall next to your sweet poster collection. It won't, you're drunk, it looks terrible, and that's theft. KU The University of K... · Aug 20, 2019 If you could give incoming freshman one piece of advice for making the most of their first year of college, what would it be? 10:15 PM · Aug 21, 2019 · Twitter for i 20+
    via @LawrenceKS_PD
  • 17
    Text - + 57% 9:45 PM Thread Lawrence Police @LawrenceKS_PD Lots of people with suburbitanks just read this tweet and for the life of them can't understand it. Let's fill them in, shall we? Four wheel drive makes you go, physics make you stop. Or not stop. This has been a public service announcement from the Lawrence Police Departm 9:32 AM : Oct 31.2019 · Twitter for iPhone. 20+
    via @LawrenceKS_PD

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cops humor twitter social media ridiculous funny
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