Your 100% Factually (Maybe) Accurate April Horoscopes

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satirequeen
Apr 5, 2020 4:00 PM EDT

The stars are a bit like your therapist, your best friend, and your mom; sometimes they have good advice. Other times, they really, really don't. Either way, reading your horoscope is cheaper than therapy, so here are your 100% factually (maybe) accurate predictions for April.

And in case you missed it, check out your March Horoscopes to see if last month brought you what you wanted!

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  • 01

    Capricorn

    Text - no Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Social distancing isn't your forte, because you are an extrovert who craves attention from everyone you meet. Zoom just doesn't cut it. But it's time to suck it up, stay home and save lives. Welcome to 2020.
    via Cheezcake
  • 02

    Aquarius

    Text - Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18) The stars have not aligned for you this month, that much is clear. But guess what, sweetie? They haven't aligned for anyone. It's time to suck it up, stay home and save lives. Welcome to 2020.
    via Cheezcake
  • 03

    Pisces

    Text - Pisces (Feb 19 - March 20) Corona is working in your favor. Why? Because now at least you have an excuse for not having any plans this weekend. Carry on embracing your inner introvert, suck it up, stay home and save lives. Welcome to 202o.
    via Cheezcake
  • 04

    Aries

    Text - Aries (March 21 - April 19) You were planning to take to take the plunge this month and make that big life decision. But sh*t just got real. It will have to wait a little longer. For now, suck it up, stay home and save lives. Welcome to 2020.
    via Cheezcake
  • 05

    Taurus

    Text - Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your usually impulsive self will have to take a step back this month because the world is on pause. And so should you be. This is not the time to run wild. Keep quiet, suck it up, stay home and save lives. Welcome to 2020.
    via Cheezcake
  • 06

    Gemini

    Text - Gemini (May 21 - June 20) That nose job you were counting on getting will have to wait. These days, you cannot and should not be touching your face. Instead, spend time looking in the mirror and savoring your current looks. Suck it up, stay home and save lives. Welcome to 2020.
    via Cheezcake
  • 07

    Cancer

    Text - Cancer (June 21.- July. 22) You've always been a go-getter, attempting to come first in everything you do. Well now is your chance to shine. It's time to be the social distancing champion. Suck it up, stay home and save lives. Welcome to 2020.
    via Cheezcake
  • 08

    Leo

    Text - Leo (Juty 23 August 22) This is the month to stop blaming your angry outbursts on the planets. Maybe it's just your personality? Practice patience with your family. Suck it up, stay home and save lives. Welcome to 2020.
    via Cheezcake
  • 09

    Virgo

    Text - Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22). Although you can make difficult decisions, sometimes you are hesitant. But this month is the time to be decisive. What about? Social distancing, duh! Suck it up, stay home and save lives. Welcome to 2020.
    via Cheezcake
  • 10

    Libra

    Text - Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22). You were meant to meet the love of your life this month, but alas, the universe had a different plan. Love will have to wait until after the pandemic. For now, you'll have to suck it up, stay home and save lives. Welcome to 2020.
    via Cheezcake
  • 11

    Scorpio

    Text - Scórpio (Oct 23 -Nov 21), You don't believe in astrology, and you let anyone and everyone into your life. Your recklessness needs to change. Listen to the stars. This month, don't let anyone in. Suck it up, stay home and save lives. Welcome to 2020.
    via Cheezcake
  • 12

    Sagittarius

    Text - Saggitarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) Your socialite friends are trying to convince you to attend 'socially distancing influencer events' because Corona can't stop them. But you know better. Listen to your instincts. Suck it up, stay home and save lives. Welcome to 2020.
    via Cheezcake

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