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Thirty-Eight Fresh Tweets For People With Short Attention Spans

  • 1
    Text - Go Ask Your Dad @_goaskyourdad_ I love how my husband can fart like 59 times in a row, but if I do it once he looks at me like I'm Carole Baskin 9:00 AM · 4/2/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 2
    Text - Not the Nanny @not_thenanny Husband: *is grumpy* Me: Guys, looks like dad woke up on the wrong side of the bed 6YO: (suspicious) You rolled all the way to mom's side of the bed? 4:40 AM · 6/15/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 3
    Text - C.H.U.D.ney Spears @chudneyspears Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking "near the place where mommy had to pee outside" 9:16 AM · 6/14/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 4
    Text - Теj @brwcrw4lyfe T once had a helicopter alarm clock and when the alarm went off the helicopter would fly off the base and the only way to make it stop was to get up and get the helicopter and put it back and...fuck that thing 7:25 AM · 6/14/20 · Twitter for Android
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  • 5
    Cat - Cats @SpaceCatPics "2 months after adopting an older cat i still can't figure out why anyone wouldn't want this big bag of love." mydogsconstantly
  • 6
    Text - Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy them: you should just admit when you're wrong me still trying to play the flute like a recorder: no 1:37 PM · 6/13/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 7
    Text - Teni O @TeniPanosian My mom offered to come help me clean my kitchen, but spent the entire time insulting me and criticizing how I do everything so was it really worth it lolol 4:33 PM · 6/14/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 8
    Text - denver nugget jeans @kevingtsai ok do we all collectively have that one dude shooting fireworks in the neighborhood every night? 9:00 PM · 6/13/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 9
    Text - dirt prince @pant_leg why are chairs like $600 i'm just trying to sit 6:11 PM · 6/14/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 10
    Text - Jessie @mommajessiec One of my oldest friends posted on Facebook that it's been 20 years since we graduated high school, sol blocked that asshole. 5:10 PM · 6/14/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 11
    Text - Chaos Chrik Calzone #BLM @kriswasp Good morning everyone. Don't be a dick. Have a great day! 12:18 AM · 6/15/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 12
    Photo caption - Stephanie Wyeld @steph_the_twit Me, still in isolation A2 50 Andra OHIG B8 ndno C6 .50 D1 D2 75 D3 D4 D5 D6 D7 D8 10:24 AM · 6/14/20 · Twitter for Android TWIX 社 aMINGWay
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    Text - No Idea: Daddy Blog @byclintedwards Please tell me l'm not the only parent who has been allowing their children to wear pajamas all day, every day, and has been doing it since late February... 5:46 PM · 6/14/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 14
    Photo caption - Kiss my Fat Ash @Tobi_Is_Fab me coming out the shower to seduce my husband after forgetting to shave my legs 10:50 AM · 4/29/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 15
    Text - Abby Heugel @AbbyHaslssues I don't require much to be happy. Five meals a day. A triple espresso. Nine hours of sleep. A pair of yoga pants, complete solitude, and no obligations whatsoever. 4:37 PM · 6/14/20 · Twitter Web App
  • 16
    Text - Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969 [emergency room] "He's lost a lot of blood." "Go get a doctor!" "Sir, what happened?" .. "Sir?" "It was... the loofah."
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  • 17
    Text - Crockett @CrockettForReal A chicken sandwich just fell out of the freezer onto my daughters foot and she said, and I quote, "stupid chicken sandwich, I'm gonna eat it's guts out" 10:09 AM · 6/14/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 18
    Text - Sooz E @CruisinSoozan If I had a wall safe it would be for cake. 7:33 PM · 6/14/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 19
    Text - Bri @itsbri_babyyy "ur so quiet" thx I spent years getting ignored so I simply do not speak anymore 8:56 AM · 6/13/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 20
    Cat - Cats Against HumanityTM @CatsVsHumanity Behold, my spirit animal Luke in Philadelphia @tramL116 · 1d what in the world kind of pig cat eats like this Show this thread
  • 21
    Text - JÆL (ANTIFA VP) @elle91 This is the official story of how my grandma got her name andI am absolutely losing it. the Doctor asked her mom (Annie) What she wanted to name the girl. She was a twin. Annie said Naomi. The doctor said "how do you spell that?" She didn't know. He said "how bout Minnie?" She said ok. 7:08 PM · 6/14/20 · Twitter for Android
  • 22
    Text - the drake gatsby @DrakeGatsby I made some mediocre eggs Benedict and drank a watered down screwdriver and then lit $120 on fire but it wasn't the same, man I miss brunch 7:27 AM · 6/14/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 23
    Text - Laura Marie @Imegordon Someone at the grocery store yelled "space" dramatically, and I responded with "the final frontier,' and now I need a new grocery store. 5:01 PM · 6/12/20 · Twitter for Android
  • 24
    Text - Felicia @LostFelicia Diet update: I'm still fat. 10:10 AM · 6/14/20 · Twitter Web App
  • 25
    Text - Abbie @AbbieEvansXO *battlefield turns into a giant orgy* Cupid: sorry sorry, these are the only type of arrows I have
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  • 26
    Text - Ayn Randy @ltsAndyRyan My wife often compares me to Ryan Gosling. She says: "You're nothing like Ryan Gosling" 12:16 PM · 6/14/20 · Twitter Web App
  • 27
    Text - The Stinkerbell @thestinkerbell_ Thave on zero makeup, my hair is an ungodly mess, and l'm wearing a jumpsuit that borderlines pajamas. My 3-year-old looked at me and said "wow Mommy, you look like a princess!" Just a reminder that even when we feel like a disaster, we are always royalty to our kids. 4:29 PM · 6/14/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 28
    Text - Not the Nanny @not_thenanny I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that's in my pocket. Follow me for more parenting hacks. 7:42 AM · 5/20/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 29
    Text - CynicalTherapist @CynicalTherapi1 I remember when I was a kid and I thought the guy measuring my feet at the shoe store had the coolest job around. What I'm saying was that I was stupid. 9:01 PM · 6/14/20 · Twitter Web App
  • 30
    Text - shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird me: trick or treat neighbor: what are you supposed to be me: neighbor: hello? me: neighbor: i said what are you supposed to- me: internet explorer
  • 31
    Text - Black Magick Woman @Stiffster1216 Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you 5:48 PM · 6/14/20 · Twitter for Android
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  • 32
    Text - BG, the mother of all tacos @inmyimage007 No one: Nobody at all: Not a single soul: Me: I have an unhealthy obsession with Taco Bell 7:29 AM · 1/29/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - F. Scott Fitz Jesse @FScottFitzJesse Live every day like it's square pizza day in the cafeteria. 4:18 PM · 6/14/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 34
    Text - the drake gatsby @DrakeGatsby | cannot be expected to just start going places and seeing people without sufficient notice, I have 3 months of overeating and binge drinking to undo first 6:57 PM · 6/14/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 35
    Text - real life mommy @reallifemommy3 Is it true that most people eat their chocolate chips in baked goods, not straight out of the bag?! 6:48 PM · 6/14/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 36
    Text - Midge (Söze) @mxmclain My husband snoring at 2 am is believed to be the loudest sound produced on the surface of the planet - in human history, that is. It has circled the Earth in every direction and shattered the ears of tired women everywhere. 11:26 PM · 4/13/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - I'M NOT A The Spicy Disaster Mama @spicydisasterma HOT MESS I'm a Spicy DISASTER Starbucks barista working the drive- thru window has a Super Mario Bros tattoo on her arm. 4- (Shouting out the window at the barista) “hey that guy Mario is on my underwear!" 10:53 PM · 5/29/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 38
    Text - Maryfairyboberry @MaryJustice86 Goodnight moon Goodnight kids climbing the walls of every room Goodnight "it's not fair!" Goodnight chin hair Goodnight snoring husband in my old rocking chair Goodnight dirty house Goodnight loud ass mouse Goodnight stars Goodnight air Goodnight apocalyptic fucken year 6:38 PM · 6/11/20 · Twitter for iPhone

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