CheezCake

My Dating Nightmare: Sexually Graphic Mailman Was A Total Mood Killer

  • My intentions were pure

    Facial expression - Why? Why do bad things happen to good people?!

    After ending a year-long and very tumultuous relationship I decided to dust the cobwebs off the old Match.com profile and get back on the dating scene. This was clearly a terrible idea because it resulted in the absolute worst date ever.

  • AJ loved golf

    Thumb

    As I perused the numerous pages of somewhat lackluster real estate I came across AJ. AJ enjoyed the occasional round of golf (complete with the ridiculous golf outfits, as shown on his profile) and Boston sports teams — much like myself.

  • He worked in a "government job"...

    Forehead - My rank is detective, special agent.

    His employment description read 'government job.' My mind immediately began to fantasize about a real-life James Bond or Jack Ryan, so I was simply delighted when he suggested we meet halfway between our homes at a bar for some drinks.

  • Which turned out to be code for Mailman.

    Room - FEDERA OF INVE

    I sipped on my glass of Pinot Grigio while awaiting my CIA or FBI man to arrive and daydreamed about how dapper he would look in his uniform.

    When he entered the bar to greet me I was somewhat disappointed that my sexy 007 suitor was actually a mailman. Not exactly what I was expecting, but he was handsome (and employed) nonetheless.

  • His change of clothes was a total turn off

    Shoulder - WHAT ARE YÖU WEARING?

    AJ excused himself to the bathroom to change, and when he returned his outfit was a serious downgrade from his previous USPS getup. To my horror, AJ was sporting some sort of Walmart off-brand True Religion denim completely bedazzled in crystals and spikes that could possibly have been purchased from the women's section considering how snuggly they fit.

  • Angel wings? God, no!

    Motor vehicle

    When he pulled up a chair next to me I noticed his plain white t-shirt had enormous metallic angel wings that sprawled across his entire back.

  • He started telling me about his dating history...

    Nose

    Urging myself to not judge a book by its cover, AJ and I got to chatting about how our Match.com experiences had been treating us.

    "I have been on Match for quite a while, and for the most part it has been good but the last two dates I've been on were horrible!" AJ shared.

  • And I wished he hadn't...

    Cartoon - YOU EVER MEET A MAN AND IT'S SO OBVIOUS THAT NO ONE HAS EVER TOLD HIM TO SHUT THE F*CK UP?

    My interest was clearly piqued, so I insisted he elaborate.

    And elaborate. He. DID.

    "So two dates ago I was out with this girl and things were going really well. Drinks led to dinner, and then I went back to her place for another drink. I started to go down on her, but her p*ssy smelled so bad that I ran to the bathroom and called my cousin to come pick me up," he said.

  • He was WAY too graphic...

    Hair - Are you for real? #MAFS

    At this particular time, I was waiting for Candid Camera to appear because there is no way this loser (or any loser for that matter) could possibly think this conversation was acceptable on a first (or any) date…

    …and why in God's name did he have to call his cousin?!

  • Please god, make it stop!

    Speech - gifb in.com

    Despite my disgust and astonishment, I inquired about this second date, thinking I may as well see this glorious train wreck to completion. "Similar situation to the first date, but when I got back to her place I only got as far as her underwear before I had to bolt. She clearly had a massive bush."

  • Yeah, no thanks.

    Face - Bye, Felicia.

    I chugged the remnants of my wine and decided to bolt myself…and I didn't need to call my cousin.

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