CheezCake

My Dating Nightmare: Dude Lived In A Minivan And Asked To Shower At My Place

  • I begrudgingly downloaded Tinder

    Hair

    After realizing that I was officially the last of my friends still on the market I decided it was time to bite the bullet and join the masses on the dating apps. 

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  • I matched with Thomas, who was new to the area

    Hair - NO, I'LL SHOW YOU AROUND.

    Shortly after downloading Tinder, I matched with Thomas. Thomas was a stately looking gentleman with piercing green and a slight 'California casual' flair.

    Thomas mentioned he was new to my area, and I was more than obliged to show him around. We discussed our mutual obsession with cozy Irish pubs and a friendly game of pool, so I suggested we meet at a place not far from my apartment for some beer and billiards.

  • Thomas was a total mess

    Text - YOU SMELL LIKE BOOZE AND FILTH. ON BECOMING A GOD in Central Florida SHOWTIME

    That evening I arrived at the bar to meet Thomas, and though he was every bit as handsome as his Tinder pictures he was dressed like a complete slob. Typically I find and unkempt beard rather sexy and rugged, but the unwashed t-shirt, tattered hoodie, and shredded denim had him looking worse for wear.

    It also smelled as if he hasn't showered in several days.

  • I (stupidly) gave him the benefit of the doubt

    Hair - How the bloody hell did we end up here? STARZ

    I put forth my best effort not to judge the man simply by his clothing, and we settled into a booth to grab some much needed social lubrication.

    "So what part of the city do you live in again?" I asked, attempting to kick off the conversation.

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  • Thomas lived in a minivan

    Vehicle door

    "Oh, I'm sort of right outside," he replied rather vaguely.

    After inquiring further about his residential whereabouts he reluctantly admitted that he was living in a recently purchased minivan.

  • Was it... permanent?!

    Hair

    "Interesting," I said, somewhat flabbergasted. "So are you looking for a place? You can't live in a van with winter coming up…Can you?"

  • Turns out, it was! Thomas was a cheap ass!

    Hair - TEPIG YOU'RE CHEAP.

    Thomas went on to explain that though he had a lucrative job and was capable, he was completely against paying the astronomical amounts of rent that NYC and the surrounding areas commanded. He was perfectly content showering weekly at the truck stop in Walmart and washing what little clothing he owned on a bi-monthly basis.

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  • I was fascinated

    Face

    Though this lifestyle, in particular, would certainly not work for a high-maintenance brat woman such as myself, I am quite fascinated by the logistics of it all, so I sipped my Pilsner as I peppered him with questions about his 'van life'.

    Thomas excused himself to use the facilities.

  • Next thing I know, he's trying to steal toilet paper from the pub's toilet

    Chin - Are you fucking kidding me?

    When he exited the men's room he scurried back to our booth with a suspicious grin on his face.

    "Here, can you stuff these into your purse? I'm running low, and they have a ton in there."

    I looked down at what Thomas was pushing to me under the table and saw two rolls of toilet paper.

  • And he's trying to make me an accomplice

    Eyewear - NO, SIR. I WILL NOT STEAL TOILET PAPER FOR YOUR MINI VAN.

    I assured him that there was no way I could (or would) fit them into my pocketbook, so he concealed them in the deep pockets of his hoodie.

    "There is a grocery store around the corner where you can pick some up," I suggested (clearly, the was pre-pandemic).

    "Ehh. Would rather not spend the money," he said.

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  • I tried escaping

    Hair

    Slightly mortified, I told him it was time to go. We split the check, and I beelined for the exit in order to make it home in time for The Bachelor.

    "I'll walk you back!" Thomas offered.

    Dammit.

  • He just. Wouldn't. Leave!

    Conversation

    I began walking as briskly as possible back to my apartment while Thomas continued rambling about God knows what.

    As we approached my building he pulled me in for a hug, to which I awkwardly reciprocated.

  • He asked... to use my shower

    Hair - É MUSIC OH HELL NAW

    "Can I ask you a question?" he said. "I would seriously be indebted to you forever if you would let me jump in your shower real quick."

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  • Yeah, it's a no from me dude!

    Hair - This is the worst date I've ever been on QUANTICO abc

    I told him I would love to help, but unfortunately, he would have to head back to Walmart as I am not in the business of letting men I just met on the Internet shower in my apartment.

    Worst Tinder date ever.

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About the Author

Nikki is currently living in NYC with her husband (who she met on Bumble after experiencing the absurdity of online dating) and working in digital marketing. She clearly enjoys recording the ridiculous debauchery that is the modern dating scene. Nikki is also partial to a tall glass of Prosecco, her black/calico kitties, 90s music and playoff hockey. Drop her a line if you have a good story for her to write about.

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About the Author

Nikki is currently living in NYC with her husband (who she met on Bumble after experiencing the absurdity of online dating) and working in digital marketing. She clearly enjoys recording the ridiculous debauchery that is the modern dating scene. Nikki is also partial to a tall glass of Prosecco, her black/calico kitties, 90s music and playoff hockey. Drop her a line if you have a good story for her to write about.