Journalist Reveals Ridiculously Petty 'Crime' In Rich American Neighborhood

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satirequeen
Aug 27, 2020 2:30 PM EDT

Atherton is a quiet and beautiful town located on the San Francisco Peninsula. It looks like it could be just another idyllic town anywhere in the US, but what sets Atherton apart from the rest is that it is one of the country's most affluent towns. It was voted the wealthiest town in America for three years in a row, with the average household income over $450,000. Alright for some, eh?

With that sort of wealth comes exceptionally high levels of security, which results in low levels of crime. Someone collected all the Atherton crime reportings, and honestly, they sound like they were written by a seven-year-old who was trying to sound scary but failed big time. Rich people problems, amirite? Check them out; they're hilarious.

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  • 01
    Text - automatic gun was arrested. rrested everyone for assaulting male and stealing his cell phone tgunpoint. 800 block of Diadem Drive, 1:14 a.m. Saturday Three people 800 block of Hillsdale Avenue, were stabbed during a fight at a 1:25 p.m. Thursday A vehicle ras struck twice by two males ho tried to rob the driver at gun- oint, then fired at him şeveral mes as he sped off. party. None of their injuries were Tife threatening. ATHERTON DO Drake Street, 6:41 a.m. riday A female fearing for her
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  • 02
    Text - alcohol. PALO ALTO MILPITAS 220 University Ave., 8:24 a.m. last Tuesday The theft of a cel- lular telephone, a driver's license and a debit card was reported to police. South Temple Drive, Thursday A daytime residential burglary occurred. Fallen Leaf Drive, Thursday A vehicle was stelen. FREMONT ATHERTON 3801 Nicolet Ave., Thursday DVDS and computer equipment were stolen from the Centerville Library by someone who got in a window. According to police, the burglary was the second at the li
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  • 03
    Text - 2300 block of Plateau Drive, Galahad Avenue, 1 p.m. Sat- urday A hit-and-run driver who struck and injured a 5-year-old girl and then returned to the scene 45 minutes later, was identified and arrested, deter- mined to be under the influence of a stimulant and in possession 10:15 a.m. Friday Responding to a weapons call at a residence, po- lice happened upon a half-pound of cocaine and arrested one person. No weapons were found. Almaden Avenue and Sutter Street, 11:32 p.m. Friday Two peop
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  • 04
    Text - "ER » CRIME NEWS FROM SELECTED CITIES th Bascom Monday A a person who cided better nted a gun 2000 block of Story Road, 9:30 p.m. Monday Policefound about 300 marijuana plants dur- ing a probation search and made several arrests. Monday A resident worried that a noisy hawk in a tree was in some sort of distress. When authorities arrived, the hawk was quiet and enjoying dinner. REDWOOD CITY SANTA CLARA Broadway, 12:56 p.m. Mon- San Tomas Expressway and Cabrillo Avenue, May 31 A driver day
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  • 05
    Text - RIME NEWS FROM SELECTED CITIES and robbed by two people who may have thought the bag con- nue, tained money. possession of several counterfeit $100 bills and two switchbłades was arrested. was 2200 block of Tasman Drive, ATHERTON ets, 6:50 p.m. Friday A man who does not know why he was/at- ad tacked said he was waiting in the g na drive-through lane at a fast-food restaurant when a male ap- Euclid Avenue, 4:24 p.m. Sun- day Police assisted a male who stepped out onto a balcony and had the
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  • 06
    Text - » CRIME NEWS FROM SELECTED CITIES CAMPBELL ATHERTON 700 block of Camden Avenue, lay Two 5:15 a.m. Thursday Someone entered a building overkight through a smashed window and stole a computer. Valparaiso and Elena avenues, 4:14 p.m. Thursday A person reported seeing a golf cart-type vehicle full of juveniles not using seat belts. ome an ar- ended ss his E, who ket West Latimer Avenue, 6:22 p.m. REDWOOD CITY Thursday Two teens accused of attacking a male while he was sit- ting in a vehicle,
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  • 07
    Text - 3300 block of South Win- chester Boulevard, 7:52 a.m. Monday Two vehicles were purglarized by someone who took burglary occurred. a DVR from one and a stereo from he other. LOS GATOS Monday A person.reported being robbed. Fallen Leaf Drive, Monday A LOS ALTOS 600 block of Benevue Avenue, 11:29 a.m. Monday A resident asked to be contacted about a ait Avenue, 8:01 a.m. Friday Stolen mail was found discarded n Massol Avenue. theft. Police responded and made an arrest. PALO ALTO ATHERTON 300
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  • 08
    Text - EAST PALO ALTO within the past five minutes. MENLO PARK nd Esther avenues, esday A 20-year-old 9:42 p.m. Saturday A 23-year- gave a false name d for riding without rested after police d an outstanding methamphetamine FREMONT ssession. 1400 block of Euclid Avenue, 4700 block of Bohannon Drive, old man was found laying in the street with gunshot wounds in his arm and leg. His injuries were not life-threatening. 9:46 a.m. Tuesday An assault occurred. 900 block of Willow Road, 1:25 p.m. Tuesd
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  • 09
    Text - an unloaded Glock handgun in the trunk along with three loaded magazines and two boxes of ammunition. A passenger in the vehiele was also arrested. 0 block of Mead Avenue, p.m. Friday A male whose ne was stolen at an indoor eation business called the per and spoke with a per- who said a male in his group ATHERTON ed to return it. The phone subsequently recovered assistance from San Jose e. Holbrook Lane, 10:39 p.m. Monday A man in a white truck reported to be whistling and possibly casing
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  • 10
    Text - A male driver and his female pockets. passenger were seen taking pack- ages from porches. 100 block of Wilton Drive, 1:44 p.m. Saturday A teen on proba- tion and in possession of a knife and marijuana was arrested. ATHERTON ntal CAMPBELL and a re the and ly 1700 block of South Win- chester Boulevard. 6:05 a.m. Friday A male accused of trying to force open a window during a burglary attempt was arrested. Shearer Drive, 3:18 p.m. Sun- day A person was reprimanded for picking fruit from tree
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  • 11
    Text - the ground, possibly writing. ELL Hamilton Avenue, 12:26 p.m. Thursday A Dodge was stolen. Bascom Avenue, rsday Two people put paying for ne of them, a man located in a resented false d was found to ding warrant pped and ar- other got away. MENLO PARK 2300 block of Winchester Boulevard, 7:02 p.m. Thursday A 54-year-old accused of stealing merchandise struck a security guard who detained him outside the store. He was arrested. 2200 block of Avy Avenue, 3:25 p.m. Thursday A bicyclist was in
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  • 12
    Text - MILPITAS O block of Regent Drive, 59 a.m. Sunday A vehicle was plen. Starlite Drive, Monday An assault took place in Pinewood Park. O Knowles Drive, 11:15 p.m. onday Tools were taken over weekend from a job site. ATHERTON ALO ALTO Greenoaks Drive, 4:03 p.m. DO block of Waverley Street, 2 p.m. Monday Severalitems e taken during a residential glary. Tuesday A resident called police about his recyclable containers. He said someone had tipped them over. O Pasteur Drive, 4 a.m. nday A person u
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  • 13
    Text - » CRIME NEWS FROM SELECTED CITIES and in possession of brass knuck- 12:18 p.m. Wednesday Vandal- les was arrested. ismwas reported. yStreet, 1700 block of South Win- chester Boulevard, 6:30 a.m. Thursday A Mercury stolen during the night was recovered person ATHERTON Burns Avenue, 7:08 p.m. Sat- urday A resident asked for help finding a lost cat. urglar- time hours later. ced the sident, LOS GATOS cloth- MENLO PARK m to r case Lark Avenue and Los Gatos REDWOOD CITY Boulevard, 8:22 a.m. la
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  • 14
    Text - e öfficers munity Center was booked uvenile hall for felony vandal- and public intoxication. 7 a.m. Tuesday A green 1995 Honda Accord was likely stolen by the same person who left a stolen Nissan Sentra in its place. block of Crucero Drive, a.m. Wednesday A ent was taking out the trash a male approached and ed him in the torso. The 900 block of Sharmon Palms Lane, 7:45 a.m. Tuesday A beige 1993 Honda Accord was stolen. d was not life-threatening. ATHERTON Irving Avenue, 7:47 a.m. Tues- da
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  • 15
    Text - a.m. Monday A l14-year-old boy was entered through a rear accused of burglarizing a busi- bedroom by someone who ness was arrested and then released to his parents. The property was recovered. Tully Road and Huran Avenue, 8:33 a.m. Monday A man reported to be jumping on parked cars, brandishing a stick and refusing to leave was arrested following a physical confrontation that left one of- Ficer with a shoulder injury. ransacked the interior and took a laptop computer and a camera. ATHERTO
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  • 16
    Text - LOTTER » CRIME NEWS FROM SELECTED CITIES responded and arrested two people, a 30-year-old man and 26-year-old woman, in pos- session of stolen property and burglary tools. Belgatos Road, 6 p.m. Saturday 9:12 a.m. Monday A bike was Property valued at $10.000 was taken during a daytime residen- tial burglary. woman who seemed lost and confused assured police that she knew her way home. d San Antonio m. Monday A 20- ed for an unknown SAN MATEO ated for injuries fe-threatening. 2200 block of
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  • 17
    Text - TER » CRIME NEWS FROM SELECTED CITIES year-old man who crashed into drunk. a wall, abandoned the vehicle and ran off, determined he was under the influence and arrested him. BURLINGAME 45 p.m. ive" older Park was 1100 Chula Vista Ave., 6:47 a.m. Tuesday A previously stolen van was stolen a second time athing in BELMONT El Camino Real, 11:19 a.m. Tuesday A woman was ap proached by two men who asked her for drugs. ATHERTON 6:57 dence was larized. 150 Valparaiso Ave., 6:01 a.m. Tuesday A man
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  • 18
    Text - injuries not considered life- cat threatening, was arrested. sted Highway 87 and Santa Clara Street, 11:10 p.m. Sunday A person accused of stabbing another person during an argu- 1700 block of South Norfolk avenues, 9:27 a.m. Thursday A mother sought advice on how to help her daughter with a Facebook issue. SAN MATEO Street, 10:03 a.m. Friday The front door was kicked in during a residential burglary. ment was arrested. CAMPBELL 600 E. Hamilton Ave., 3:35 ATHERTON p.m. Sunday A 37-year-ol
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  • 19
    Text - ME NEWS FROM SELECTED CITIES rors on two vehicles were broken. returned to claim the bag. BURLINGAME ATHERTON 1000 block of Toyon Drive, 3:26 100 block of Heather Drive, a.m. Tuesday A city employee who spotted a front door stand- ing open while driving past a residence stopped and notified a. parent, who said their 5-year-old child was responsible. th 1500 block of Trousdale Drive, 8:36 p.m. Wednesday Someone rang a person's doorbell and disappeared. Police responded and found a delivere
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neighborhood criminal crime petty american rich
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