Top Tumblr Tidbits From The Past Week

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andcallmeshirley
Nov 1, 2020 5:38 AM EST

These Tumblr bites are just what you're missing to make your day better. It's a corner of the internet not many people brave, but trust us: the payoff is often worth it. Go ahead, enjoy some funny Tumblr posts spotted and collected over the past week.

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  • 01
    Adaptation - alexandriaocasiocortez Whenever I think about the Twilight movies my mind instantly goes to the scene where Bella first steps out of her father's car holding a tiny cactus. And then I remember the parody movie they made of Twlight where the main girl steps out the car with a gigantic cactus. alexandriaocasiocortez
    via Reddit
  • 02
    Text - O whitepeopletwitter shannon @shannincurry a dating app that matches horse girls with men who exclusively take pictures holding fish. rt if u agree melxncholymermxid Follow They don't need a dating app, they married each other right after highschool zyblix Follow thats just christian mingle millipeed 96,509 notes
    via Reddit
  • 03
    Text - reddit-tales What's the dumbest thing you believed as a child? When I was a pre-schooler, my mom told me that you weren't allowed to ride a motorcycle or get tattoos unless your mother was dead. One day, outside the grocery store I saw a big, tough looking dude covered in tats, straddling the loudest motorcycle ever. 5 year old me went up to him and ask, "Hey. Is your mom dead?" Dude looked at me and said, "Yeah." And I was shocked that my mom was right. indicativeof-sideways-escalation T
    via Reddit
  • 04
    Text - overlypolitebisexual whenever i see these post-apocalyptic films set in the USA where everyone is pretty much just killing each other with no mention of other nations i always just assume that the rest of the world is fine and has learnt how to resume life as normal algrenion #'should we do something about the americans' #'nah' Source: fkoffstraightpeople 322,594 notes
    via Reddit
  • 05
    Text - ELLEN PAGE ELLEN PAGE I DOWNLOADED A GHOST THE CAT THAT CAME BACK ELLEN PAGE GHOSTCAT SNESA friendliness: kyrkovisan: rubyfruitjumble: srmxy: Ellen Page's early filmography looks like it was Photoshopped for an Arrested Development gag. wait I looked it up and "ghost cat" and "the cat that came back" are literally the same movie that was released under two different names and apparently they just tried to market it separately as a thriller and as a heartwarming family film??? What
    via Reddit
  • 06
    Text - dankmemeuniversity Follow iMessage Today 11:09 AM how did the date go?! have you ever gone on a date with a girl with dad humor? lol no the waiter came to us and asked "you wanna box for the leftovers" she replies "no, but i'll wrestle you for them" oh my god Read 11:11 AM staryarn Follow who sunk this meme in pepto bismol 23,376 notes
    via Reddit
  • 07
    Text - vintar i used to get self-conscious over the smallest things but friends let me tell you that today i had to smuggle a furious 8ft python onto the bus during the school rush and not a single person noticed. not one. if people don't care enough to notice a shopping bag writhing and seething with barely-contained reptilian hatred then i promise you that no-one will pay any attention to that blemish you're fretting about or how you've done your hair fidefortitude this is extremely concerning
    via Reddit
  • 08
    Text - bravadopinfire No more child actors. Children don't deserve to be exposed to Hollywood. From now on all children will be portrayed by adults walking on their knees. Mother: "Sara it's 10 o clock bedtime sweetie" *hugh Jackman in a blond wig with pig tails*: BUT MO000000OM
    via Reddit
  • 09
    Text - chthonic-isabelleadjani Follow Bro i hate being an academic they're making me O i thought i was just supposed to sit in write s an old chair smoke & say something french every now and then inhaleass Follow am i having a stroke why are your i's so long i'm
    via Reddit
  • 10
    Text - raptorific Follow Bananas736 Red is sus Dr Pep How is red sus Dr Pep this is mccarthyism I tried Among Us today theinfiknight Hang on I gotta google something real quick theinfiknight Ok this is funny Source: raptorific
    via Reddit
  • 11
    Text - My favorite story so far. An animal shelter posted something along the lines of "if you are an adult and don't want people to know you are playing pokemon, we will rent our shelter dogs to you for $5 an hour so it looks like you are walking your dog." Haha, right? Here are some of the results so far: 1) They now have a waiting list of people who want to PAY FOR THE PRIVELAGE OF WALKING A DOG. 2) They have made so much money in "rental fees" that they have waived adoption fees 3) When the
    via Reddit
  • 12
    Text - WAP WAP WAP CALYIN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THE COFFEE TABLE ?? IS THIS SOME SORT OF TRICK OUESTION OR WHAT? calvinandhobbes-daily December 27, 1985 futuristic-linguistics This is it. This is the funniest thing I've ever read in my entire life.
    via Reddit
  • 13
    Font - Ehronic-genderbender: seitosei: here-comes-the-bang: anothercleverjedimindtrick: kidwiththelid: I atually loved these commercials because it gave cartoon network some sense of realism. The best era Miss them yeah but why is johnny at a laundry mat he lives with his mom JOHNNY BRAVO LOVES HIS MAMA JOHNNY BRAVO RESPECTS HIS MAMA HE AINT GONNA MAKE MAMA DO ALL THE WORK I heard you like FUNSubstance.com
    via Reddit
  • 14
    Product - pyomorphic I Made A Roomba That Shoots Anything It Bumps Into 102K views 2 months ago pyomorphic automation is going to take jobs away from cops
    via Reddit
  • 15
    Text - biggest-gaudiest-patronuses ... 5 biggest-gaudiest-patro... 22-bees-just-vibing asked The screaming 20s are here, are you screaming? biggest-gaudiest-patronuses this is actually my favorite ask biggest-gaudiest-patronuses this post is from january, it's become my very least favorite ask 12,932 notes A
    via Reddit
  • 16
    Text - mechanicalriddle *does a magical girl transformation sequence but at the end its just regular me with a hard hat, safety glasses, and high visibility vest* A pricklyonion OSHA compliant magical girl
    via Reddit
  • 17
    Text - the-memedaddy If you hear weird noises In the night, simply make weirder noises to assert dominance. Meirl what-if-dolphins-had-legs The monster in my closet: raswwwwhggggraaww Me: GRAWWWWHHSGAGHJOOIHO00OWWWWG GOOOLLLYUUUUUUSSAAGHJJIIOO the monster: okay Jesus I'm sorry stan-by-me I taught my 5 yr old this and he now makes the weirdest noises when he walks through an unlit part of the house, then giggles <3 midnight-spectrum-again Excellent advice
    via Reddit
  • 18
    Text - unicornsandcrystals-blog Follow Blue Glitter Smoke Glitter Sunset dogbosser Follow fish aesthetics almightybob Follow those are lures dogbosser Follow ive been fooled. im as dumb as a fish
    via Reddit
  • 19
    Text - vulpx: agent-f J-carter: disadvantages of having thick hair your head is always 100000 degrees shedding everywhere snapping thin combs spend $100 on dye if you want to color it hair is still wet 2 years after you showered styling your hair takes longer than growing it advantages of having thick hair • ???? advantages: the hairdresser goes "woooow sooo much hair"
    via Reddit
  • 20
    Text - civilwhore S approach Follow slavery Americans have literally no banter eyeofthelionfish idk what country this is coming from but we've probably beaten you in a war at some point slavery I'm American thescourge-sisters Civil war magicalana #America: "ill kick anyone's ass. I'll kick your ass. l'll kick your dogs ass. I'll kick my own ass" Source: slavery
    via Reddit
  • 21
    Text - SHEOSHE LOUNGE Wait a minute. There's something bothering me about this place.. Tknowl This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit! artemisizumi that-flighty-temptress-adventure kibbi: black-frostbite: #Homer Simpson don't give a crap about homosexuality. there's something bothering me about this place. the girl in green becomes black in the last gif. o_d And the girl at the bar suddenly has a tattoo. Lesbians are not bound to the same laws as you mere mortals
    via Reddit
  • 22
    Text - scottishtwitter Follow M @milicopeland A told this lassie sat next to me on the bus her guide dog was braw and she went "aw I wouldny Ken "a choked on ma irn bru, pure splutterin peridottea91 Follow Translation: I told this girl sent next to me on the bus that her guide dog was cute and she said "Aw I wouldn't know" and I choked on my coffee happyhumannoises Follow I think this is the first one of these that i literally couldn't understand a damn thing written 87,797 notes
    via Reddit
  • 23
    Text - lastupbringing i only come on here for @pukicho and porn. tumblr why must you do this to me! pukicho I told yall I was the second best thing on this site simonbunnyjunior Why the second and not the first? pukicho I'd be a prideful idiot if I thought I was better than porn.
    via Reddit
  • 24
    Text - abbf26 someone teach me how to draw bears gembubbles Follow Like this abbf26 Follow i am a gay man unfortunately. this is still very sweet lamp-intheheadlights Follow this technique will work regardless of sexuality, don't worry
    via Reddit
  • 25
    Cartoon - anarchamints Follow RORS COM WHO WOULD YOU PREFER PATROLLING your NEIGHBORHOOD? CRIME @Ramireztoons michaelpramirez.com crime frankenstein, without a doubt. next question
    via Reddit
  • 26
    Text - thebibliosphere I'm standing at the bus stop and some high schoolers were trying to decipher the new time table before eventually saying "idk ask the witchy goth lady" before promptly turning to ME and saying "excuse me m'am? When's the next bus?" This is it, I've finally reached peak aesthetic. I'm the local witch and I'm not even wearing a hat. thebibliosphere I should buy a hat.
    via Reddit
  • 27
    Text - sickbrokenangel Follow YOU CANT REMEMBER WHERE YOU CAME FROM YOU CANT REMEMBER WHERE YOURE GOING YOU CANT REMEMBER KNOWING sickbrokenangel Follow POV: you are cotton eyed joe pancake-shmamcake THIS IS THE FUNNIEST FI RESPONSE IVE EVER GOTTEN ON ANY OF MY POSTS EVER 114,548 notes
    via Reddit
  • 28
    Text - asoulgonesince2002 When I was a kid, I faxed my dad's satellite office drawings of horses. I had watched my father send so many faxes that I had the process memorized, Except, for some reason I thought that I could fax things to grandma, I put in the numbers for the office every time, but was convinced that the faxes were going to grandma, I also didn't think to inform my parents that I was doing this. My dad visited the satellite office (three hour drive) one day and discovered their con
    via Reddit
  • 29
    Text - kisu-no-hi Follow Pet peeve: People who yelled at you and made you angry but try to joke with you a few minutes later because they can't stand the atmosphere they created hutchj Did you mean: parents
    via Reddit
  • 30
    Text - gotham-clickbait You Won't Believe Who Was Spotting Leaving Wayne Manor Last Night! Next Up: Are Bruce Wayne And Batman Secretly Dating? shiisiln Please give me the fic where Bruce Wayne is forced to make it look like he's having an affair with his own alter ego, just to keep his secret identity safe.
    via Reddit
  • 31
    Text - moash Kaladin was more than happy to let him leave. "Spoiled child," he muttered. Kaladin supposed that Adolin was a few years older than him. Just recently, Kaladin had realized that he'd passed his twentieth birthday while a bridgeman, and never known it. Adolin was in his early twenties. But being a child had little to do with age. saying age is just a number to justify relationships w terrible age gaps is OUT saying age is just a number to justify calling someone older than you a spoi
    via Reddit
  • 32
    Text - Okay, so hear me out. An app, right? It's like Tinder. But you and your significant other both have accounts. Y'all open it at the same time and swipe left or right on restaurants within a radius that you determine. After y'all match, that's where you have dinner. Edit: We can call it "Chicken Tinder"
    via Reddit
  • 33
    Text - V ranger-lord Follow This election has me unreasonably stressed. libertybill Follow NEWS Great News For Ketchup: Political Scientists Say That The Outcome Of The Presidential Election Will In No Way Affect Ketchup Od. 27, 2016 How about now? unclefather Follow Thank god 84,960 notes
    via Reddit
  • 34
    Text - Pros of chubby gf - soft nice hugs - thigh pillows??? Tiddy pillows?? Cons of chubby gf - none Pros of skinny gf fits in ur arms rly nicely - - ur hoodies are too big on her which is beautiful Cons of skinny gf - none Pros of muscled gf - abs?? Biceps??? Please??? strong gf pick me up pls - - most likely works out a lot which is hot Cons of muscled gf - none
    via Reddit
  • 35
    Photo caption - keeping up with the american elections while not being american like keeping up with the american elections while being american like
    via Reddit
  • 36
    Text - Alyssa Phillips @Plant_Phillips Even the most famous scientists have rough weeks. Charles Darwin, for example: "But I am very poorly today and very stupid and hate everybody and everything." But ieything 2018-11-29, 10:07 PM autumngracy WHAT a goddamn mood
    via Reddit
  • 37
    Text - O whitepeopletwitter bad boy @badboychadhoy why are people still making fun of the name chad. it's one syllable. it's aesthetically pleasing. my name's chad and I'm nice. y'all are just letting dudes named preston go unchecked bc chad's an easy target? c'mon man. hayden???? tucker????? gimme a fiy break 11:43 PM - 14 Jan 20 Twitter for iPhone le honey-harper-official He makes a fair point jemthecrystalgem We've been letting the Prestons off easy Source: whitepeopletwitter
    via Reddit
  • 38
    Text - to tastefullyoffensive Fawn Moscato @tinnkky Dolly Parton has been married for 54 years and I have never seen her husband not one time goals? assassinationtipsforladies Fun fact: Dolly Parton is not blonde. All her blonde dos are wigs. When she goes out with her husband, because he doesn't want to be in the public eye, she has her real hair and wears more typical middle aged southern lady outfits and people just... Don't recognise her. She just Clark Kents her way into maintaining a priva
    via Reddit
  • 39
    Text - swarnpert might f around and start putting the comma in the year swarnpert August 16th 2,020 the-little-fox-in-the-box This... I don't like this
    via Reddit
  • 40
    Box - not gonna say it again mtndewbajablast A Coffin is shaped A Coffin has a detachable lid A Casket is rectangular A Casket has a hinged lid khadij-al-kubra this was ghost written by a disgruntled vampire
    via Reddit
  • 41
    Text - teamrocketing thinking about my optometrist who was treating my eye infection and said "if it hurts, you can rinse your eye with boiled water. look at me - look at me. i want you to understand that i mean water that has been boiled and has since cooled down. not boiling water. do you understand?" like i'm so grateful for this man ensuring that I wouldn't destroy my eyes by pouring boiling water in it, because it is an adequate assessment of my intelligence 8,440 notes A
    via Reddit
  • 42
    Text - lesbianshepard if a professor brags about how hard it is to pass their class then drop the class. they should not be proud of being bad at conveying information to students. you're not paying thousands of dollars to fail. find a professor that wants you to pass. platanomami1913 as a college instructor I approve this message
    via Reddit
  • 43
    Clothing - gothharuspex Follow Hi, my name is Jimothan. I'm your average high school boy. Haha, well... Except for one thing. I'm gay. I'm totally normal except l'm gay. Being gay is a weird thing and my story is going to be only about that. This is what all gays look like. Actually, some gays wear lipstick, but those are the really weird ones. I'm the normal one. Ilook straight. And this is my story. whatspeaksofter Follow 90% of LGBT cinema be like
    via Reddit
  • 44
    Text - *mess up because you misunderstood instructions* "If you were confused you should have asked for clarification." .but..I didn't know I was confused? I thought I had understood? Is this Autistic Mood, ADHD Mood, or just "ugh why can't I get anything right" mood? 6:00 PM 13 Nov 19 · Twitter for Android saiyanqueenreads Yes. Just yes. cameoappearance "I wasn't confused, I had a very clear and completely incorrect idea of what you wanted." fierceawakening I don't know, but it sure is a mood.
    via Reddit
  • 45
    Text - jq37: writing-prompt-s: Humans start out at birth with milk white blood. The more crimes they commit, the darker their blood becomes. One day, you meet your soulmate. Skip a few years, and things are amazing... Until your soulmate trips, falls, and exposes black blood... "Dude, I have not paid for music since 2006." "Oh yeah, I forgot that was a crime." "Me too, tbh."
    via Reddit
  • 46
    Text - newtonpermetersquare Follow Vsauce @tweetsauce Lifehack: avoid red lights by driving at 114,004,827 mph. This velocity will blue- shift them enough to appear green. nobelprize.org/educational/ph. Also a fact dkpsyhog Follow I know what l'm doing tomorrow yeettherich #vsauce and neil degrasse tyson are on opposite ends of a spectrum 2,289 notes >
    via Reddit
  • 47
    Text - writing-prompt-s Your super power is that you are average, at everything you do. rameldrive no, no- imagine how amazing this would be! you're average- but the key here is at EVERYTHING you try and do try and get the cure to cancer? well, aint a fingers snap and done cure but its a cure. doctors worldwide are astounded try and learn how to communicate with an alien race? well, youre not fluent but its passing and humanity hasnt even invented deep space flight- you just managed to get their
    via Reddit
  • 48
    Text - ceciliaspen sirius zach @SiriusZach vampire: what do you call the land that meets the sea may icome in me: what was that? vampire: what do you call the land that meets the sea may icome in me: shore vampire: y o u fool I've been laughing at this all day LPS letsplaysocialjustice me: beach vampire: disappointed vampire noises Source:ceciliaspen 64,815 notes ...
    via Reddit

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