Woman's One-Night Stand Pees In Her Closet, Ruins All Her Shoes

• This was the most awful one-night stand of my life.

  

  Just before the six (unsuccessful) months of my eHarmony membership was up, I matched with Craig, a baby blue-eyed recently divorced social media strategist. Craig and I decided to meet for a drink after the workday one Thursday night…a night which ended in the most awful one-night stand.

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• I arrived to the date, and Craig had ordered a drink that was waiting for me. First red flag.

  

  Normally I would consider someone who was fresh off the ending of a marriage to be a slight red flag, but as I was rapidly approaching my 35th birthday I decided it would behoove me to lower my standards expand my horizons. When I got to the wine bar of Craig's choice he greeted me and handed me a glass of Malbec. In our previous conversations via eHarmony, I had mentioned that it was my drink of choice but found it quite strange that someone I had never met would order me a beverage without me present.

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• We made small talk about our work, while I prayed I hadn't been roofied.

  

  Nonetheless, I thanked him for being thoughtful and prayed it wasn't roofied.

  After twenty minutes of illustrating his tedious day-to-day routine of crunching cloud-based algorithms…..or whatever the f*ck he does, I briefly summarized the riveting work I do as a corporate accountant.

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• Conversation started to pick up (aka, I got more drunk) and I decided to move things back to my place.

  

  Our conversation thereafter was reasonably entertaining, and I was feeling somewhat hospitable, so I suggested Craig and I continue our little rendezvous back at my place. We were on my couch enjoying a glass of wine and a rather civilized conversation when my roommates returned from a bar-hopping extravaganza only to continue the party at our apartment.

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• What followed, involved lots of tequila and some messy sex.

  

  Craig and I gladly joined in the fun of polishing off an entire bottle of tequila.

  After a while, we stumbled into my room for some pitiful sexual activity.

  No judgments, I was a sloppy mess myself.

  I woke up early in the morning to find Craig standing in front of my closet.

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• I woke up to Craig peeing into my closet all over my clothing. WHAT. THE. F*CK!!!

  

  I was confused as to what he could possibly be looking for in my closet when I heard it…

  *psssssssssssss*

  Craig was pissing all over the floor of my closet.

  All over my shoes.

  All over my hamper full of clothing.

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• He clearly wasn't managing his hangover very well.

  

  After coming to grips with reality and noticing that it was in fact my wardrobe and not a toilet in which he was pissing in, he apologized and made an attempt to salvage my belongings from his mid-slumber urination.

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• I quickly booted him out. Along with my now ruined boots.

  

  I had Craig carry the contents of my hamper to the basement to the washing machine, then threw him out, along with several pairs of perfectly good suede boots.

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