Giving Men's Gross Opening Lines On Tinder A Makeover

Just about everyone who speaks to men on dating apps has had their fair share of creepy and gross messages. It's something of a rite of passage, and the sheer volume of Facebook posts and Reddit threads featuring screenshots of inappropriate texts is proof that men as a collective need a dressing-down (#yesallmenneedmyadvice).

Below is a series of screenshots of text conversations from dating apps where the guy said something pervy. I'm going to tell them, on behalf of all you beautiful online daters out there, how they could have gotten a date instead (hint: it's usually "just be normal"). Read on!

Posted by armchaircomedian

Making Pizza Creepy

Pizza is a great conversation opener! You could have had a real chance with this girl if you didn't say something completely disgusting! I know talking to women like human beings is hard and confusing for you, so let me help you out. Here's how this conversation could have gone:
Her: What kind (of pizza did you get)?
You: Pepperoni. What's your favorite kind of pizza?
Her: Well, I like pineapple on pizza. Controversial, I know...
You: Not at all, I like it too! Maybe I can take you out for a slice sometime?
Her: Sounds like fun!

Via cheezcake
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November 20 was a bad day for this poor woman.

Hmmm. Well, this one is pretty straightforward, so let's get right into it!
You: (Minds your own business and does not message this poor woman)
Her: (Does not fear for her safety on November 20th)

Via cheezcake
Dirty Murder Talk

Wow, that is so clever! I bet you were a hoot back in 9th grade. I bet all your little 14-year-old friends thought you were a master of wordplay. And then, those friends all left you, one by one, when they realized you weren't really maturing like they were. I mean, you weren't maturing at all, were you? How old are you again? Anyway, here's what you should have done:
Her: My fear is being sucked up by a street sweeper.
You: That is so funny and interesting! I would love to continue talking to you, but I must go on a journey of self-discovery in order to come of age. Until then, I shall remove myself from this conversation, lest I further tarnish the reputation of men on dating apps everywhere.

Via cheezcake
Sexual Fantasy Fail

Actually, it seems like you don't need my help. You clearly know you messed up and I almost admire your brave attempt to fix it. Almost. I hope you've learned from this idiotic mistake. I've got my eye on you.

Via cheezcake
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If I Buy You Food, You Owe Me Sex, Right?

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like a guy who thinks a meal will get him sex. Is this what your life has come to, John? Acting petty about buying a meal for your date and hoping that she's, like, REALLY easily manipulated, John? This is what passes for flirting these days? John?
…John? Where are you going?
Get back here! Come back and take my advice!
You'll never get a date if you don't!
John!
You're nothing without me! Get ready for a life of loneliness, John!
………..You'll regret this!
John!

Via cheezcake
You sir, are gross.

Okay. Listen, bud. I understand that you think everything you consider positive must be a compliment. I know they didn't teach you in school about the thin line between being nice and sexual harassment (just kidding, for normal well-adjusted people the line is QUITE OBVIOUS). But I can tell that you know you're toeing that line because your messages get progressively grosser. Anyway, next time...just stop after gorgeous.
Anyway, here's what you do:
You: you're (yes, it's you're, not your) f*cking gorgeous!

Her: Thank you!
You: (After several more messages in which you don't sexually harass her) would you like to go out sometime?
Her: Well, you have complimented me several times in ways that didn't make me uncomfortable, and that seems like a good sign to me, so yes!

Via cheezcake

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