Hard-Hitting News Sources Ranked By Hotness Of The Chief Editor

When you need to stay informed, it can be difficult to decide what sources to turn to. Who will give you accurate information? Well, I have never read a newspaper or anything at all for that matter, but I can tell you the one question I always ask to figure out whether something is trustworthy: how hot is the editor? Yes, this foolproof method will make sure you get your news from only the sexiest sources. So here is my official ranking of the hottest chief editors who will bring you the hottest gossip you can get. I assume. Again, I haven't read them.

Posted by armchaircomedian

9. Forbes — Steve Forbes

With teeth like those, Steven has that Englishman allure really going for him. What's that? He's from New Jersey? Wow, tough break. Under his supervision, I'm sure Forbes magazine gives great business advice like "just be rich" and "masculinity is the key to success."

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8. Martin Baron — Washington Post

Marty here looks just like my parents' friends from temple, which I assume means the Washington Post is a well-meaning if slightly misguided publication with a passion for bagels and friendly disagreement.

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7. Wall Street Journal — Matt Murray

Matthew sure looks like he knows what he's talking about. I'd let him mansplain me to sleep every night if you know what I mean...

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6. New York Times — Dean Banquet

Take a look at this silver fox! With those shining eyes and that classy tie, he would take great care of you. I'll bet the news he sees fit to print is as carefully selected as those designer glasses of his. Read this newspaper immediately. And tell me what it says. Please, I haven't learned of a current event in eight years.

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5. The Root — Danielle Belton

She's sweet, she's smart, she's got killer jewelry game. With an editor like that, The Root must have awesome, stylish content. I would definitely subscribe if I knew how to read!

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4. Al Jazeera — Amjad Atallah

With a sweet smile and kind brown eyes that cloak a great inner turmoil, Amjad's got a lot going for him. I haven't read Al-Jazeera (or any of these publications), but I trust it.

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3. Jezebel — Koa Beck

Oh wow, she looks like the lady you happen upon when you get lost in Paris. Certainly if a magazine called Jezebel were to have an editor, that's what she'd look like. I mean, it does have an editor. It's her. What was I talking about again?

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2. The Economist — Zanny Minton Beddoes

The views of Ayn Rand with the face of Helen Mirren. Can you get any better? Just kidding, I don't know what views she has and I also don't know who Ayn Rand is. I can't read, remember? Actually, why was I hired to review news sources? And how am I even writing this? The world sure is full of mysteries, for example, who is the current president, and what year is it? Man, I have got to graduate 1st grade already.

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1. New York Post — Keith Poole

Are we sure the New York Post isn't a game show? No? It's definitely a news source? But just look at this guy! He has 'game show host' written all over him! You're absolutely sure? Well...alright...if you say so…
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