FAIL Blog

Relatable, Hilarious, And Totally Random Marriage Tweets

  • 1
    Font - Charles Demers Follow @charliedemers My wife is so much better looking than me that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries. 2:02 AM - 16 Jan 2016 6 17 3,246 6,388
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  • 2
    Rectangle - Rob Follow @rockymomax [rolls over in bed and whispers to wife] "I ate like 75 chicken nuggets today" 11:28 PM - 16 Feb 2016 6 17 128 V 252
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    Font - Goats? Follow @Gooooats Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails? Me: it's brownies. 12:53 AM - 23 Jan 2016 6 17 295 V 565
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    Font - Simon Holland Follow @simoncholland My wife got a Fitbit for the sole purpose of proving how many times I wake her up in the middle of the night by snoring. 10:00 PM - 20 Jan 2016 6 13 109 V 385
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  • 5
    Font - Laur_ren @londonsma Follow Wife: Running low on clean underwear. Does laundry. Husband: Running low on clean underwear. Buys new underwear. #MarriedPeoplelssues 3:43 AM - 9 Jan 2016 6 17 8 ♥ 27
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    Font - ReeseButCallMeV Follow @ReeseButCallMeV *breaks toaster* *calls husband* "So. When did you break the toaster?!" 8:23 PM - 21 Jan 2016 6 17 318 V 536
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    Rectangle - Ashley Austrew Follow @ashleyaustrew Just put on fancy socks and a night shirt with no food stains so I can try to seduce my husband later. 12:43 AM - 23 Jan 2016 6 17 75 v 219
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  • 8
    Rectangle - Victor Pope Jr Follow @VictorPopejr Minister: And now your wedding vows Groom: A E IOU Bride: Omg do u ever take anything seriously? Groom: sometimes....why? 6:46 PM - 27 Jan 2016 · Arlington, TX 6 17 1,825 V 3,573
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    Rectangle - Sammy Rhodes @sammyrhodes Follow 99% of marriage is waiting in the car for your spouse. 10:37 PM - 30 Jan 2016 6 17 88 V 283
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    Rectangle - Josh Hara Follow @yoyoha Marriage is like coffee. First it's really hot. Then it's just right. Then it helps you get off your ass and do things. 6:01 PM - 10 Feb 2016 6 13 232 V 529
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  • 11
    Rectangle - Ange Cavanagh Follow @ange_spange For Valentine's Day my husband cleaned out the fridge and I literally could not be happier, if you're wondering what marriage is like. 9:24 PM 14 Feb 2016 6 17 V 3
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    Rectangle - Bethany Jett Follow @BetJett Your husband shouldn't stop dating you when you get married, and you shouldn't stop getting ready for the date. #marriagelife 4:00 AM - 9 Jan 2016 6 17 2 V 8
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    Rectangle - Josh Follow @iwearaonesie me *starts head banging during Bohemian Rhapsody* wife: You just missed our exit 6:10 PM - 18 Feb 2016 6 13 431 V 807
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  • 14
    Rectangle - James Breakwell Follow @XplodingUnicorn Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong. 12:31 AM - 22 Feb 2016 6 17 1,070 V 3,046
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    Font - James Breakwell Follow @XplodingUnicorn Wife: You pick dinner. Me: Pizza. Wife: No. Me: Tacos. Wife: No. Me: Subs. Wife: No. Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?! Wife: It's up to you. 7:27 PM - 22 Feb 2016 6 17 2,465 4,978
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    Rectangle - Josh Follow @iwearaonesie *pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower* me: Are we - stop screaming, it's just me- are we out of Cheetos? 5:21 PM - 24 Feb 2016 6 17 3,277 ♥5,301
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  • 17
    Font - Grant Tanaka Follow @GrantTanaka Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain] 11:06 PM - 6 Mar 2016 6 17 2,780 4,736
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    Font - Mme Mumsie Follow @MUMSIEesq My husband just texted me from the bathroom and asked me to bring him "A LOT more toilet paper," so yeah, the romance ain't dead people. 12:42 PM - 8 Mar 2016 6 17 323 V 679
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    Font - Peace (meh) on Earth @TheAlexNevil Follow The Mrs and I have been married so long she can finish my sentences. She also starts most of them and supplies the middle parts too. 12:53 AM - 12 Apr 2016 6 17 230 V 421
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  • 20
    Font - James Breakwell Follow @XplodingUnicorn Me: Time for breakfast. 5-year-old: Wow, Dad, you didn't burn it as much as usual. Her current passive aggressiveness level is wife. 11:54 AM - 15 Apr 2016 6 17 2,176 9,389
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    Font - Simon Holland Follow @simoncholland My wife & I are pretty sure if we make coffee, we can stay awake to watch a movie after 9 PM. So yeah, l'd say we keep it lit. 1:41 AM - 16 Apr 2016 6 17 84 V 287
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    Font - James Breakwell Follow @XplodingUnicorn 5-year-old: *dressed as Elsa* Zap! You're frozen. Me: I don't have time to play right now Wife: Take out the trash Me: Can't. I'm frozen. 7:35 PM - 22 Apr 2016 6 17 3,859 V 11,431
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  • 23
    Rectangle - Sarcastic Mommy Follow @sarcasticmommy4 Marriage is saying you're not mad but he says you sound like you're mad & by the end of it all you end up being mad. 10:00 PM - 22 Apr 2016 6 17 174 V 288
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    Font - James Breakwell Follow @XplodingUnicorn Wife: Did you give the kids a bath? Me: Yes. Wife: Did you give them a bath TODAY? Damn. She knows about that loophole. 1:44 PM - 30 Apr 2016 6 17 1,575 V 7,359
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    Font - beth loves cake, so Follow @bourgeoisalien Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough. 1:01 AM - 3 May 2016 6 17 198 V 456
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  • 26
    Font - Downtime Dad Follow @DowntimeDad That moment when you turn a corner and scare the hell out of each other and then you both get mad like it was on purpose. - Marriage 11:18 AM - 6 May 2016 6 17 45 V 102
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    Font - James Breakwell Follow @XplodingUnicorn Wife: We need milk, eggs, and bread. Write it down. Me: No need. I'll remember. [an hour later] Wife: What did you buy? Me: A panda. 8:39 PM - 6 May 2016 6 17 2,361 V 7,508
  • 28
    Font - Just Bill @WilliamAder Follow If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used. 7:19 PM - 7 May 2016 6 17 131 V 294
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  • 29
    Rectangle - Zack Follow @Mr_Kapowski "I was just about to do that chore that I see you're starting now" - Marriage 12:21 AM - 10 May 2016 6 17 512 V 770
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    Rectangle - Sarcastic Mommy Follow @sarcasticmommy4 Most of your time being married is spent saying, "I never heard you say that." 5:20 PM - 11 May 2016 6 17 254 V 444
  • 31
    Font - lan Mendes Follow @ian_mendes Marriage is essentially two people taking turns pushing down the top of the kitchen garbage so they don't have to take it out. 3:19 PM - 20 May 2016 6 17 339 V 645
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  • 32
    Rectangle - mark Follow @TheCatWhisprer NEWLYWED: let's share everything VETERAN SPOUSE: your knee was on my side of the bed last night 8:31 PM - 20 May 2016 6 17 58 V 146
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    Font - mark Follow @TheCatWhisprer Marriage is about finding that special someone to disagree with about the room temperature until you die. 12:03 PM - 21 May 2016 6 17 294 V 509
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    Font - eric Follow @ericsshadow THERAPIST: what's the problem? WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me ME: I don't do it on porpoise 8:23 PM - 23 May 2016 6 17 288 V 519
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  • 35
    Font - Today Wednesday. May 25, 2016 O 11:37 AM G map to forests with wolves - Google Search www.google.com O O 11:37 AM G wolf saddle - Google Search www.google.com O 11:37 AM G can i ride a wolf - Google Search www.google.com D O 11:36 AM G wolf net? - Google Search www.google.com O O 11:36 AM G wolf catching device Google Search www.google.com 11:36 AM G how can i be faster Google Search www.google.com 11:36 AM G how fast am i - Google Search www.google.com D 11:36 AM G how fast are wolves -
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    Rectangle - eric Follow @ericsshadow My wife is finally coming home from her week long trip, so you know what l'm getting tonight... yelled at. I'm gonna get yelled at. 4:57 PM - 3 Jun 2016 6 17 2,401 V 3,285
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    Rectangle - UsUL(s) Follow @3sunzzz I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don't need a hedgehog. Long story short, we're picking it up on Thursday. 9:08 PM - 6 Jun 2016 6 17 226 V 462
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  • 38
    Font - James Breakwell Follow @XplodingUnicorn Wife: Someone invented a laundry folding machine Me: I already have one of those. It's called a w- Wife: *death glare* Me: It's called me 10:54 PM - 6 Jun 2016 6 17 2,159 v 6,904
  • 39
    Font - Kalvin Follow @KalvinMacleod WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous МE: ok [later] ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by* 1:49 PM - 14 Jun 2016 6 17 269 V 625
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    Font - James Breakwell Follow @XplodingUnicorn Me: *wins a Pokemon battle* This is my greatest accomplishment. Wife: Uh, you have four kids. Me: You're right. I should tell them I won. 8:15 PM - 12 Jul 2016 6 17 2,183 8,197
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  • 41
    Font - Simon Holland Follow @simoncholland You think your marriage is pretty strong until you are packing the car for vacation and your wife has suggestions on where to put things. 12:54 PM - 24 Jul 2016 6 13 194 V 486
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    Font - Josh @iwearaonesie Follow wife: You forgot to turn the TV off last night [flashback to me leaving it on so the dog could finish watching Air Bud] me: No I didn't 4:15 PM - 25 Jul 2016 6 17 622 V 1,252
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    Rectangle - Simon Holland Follow @simoncholland Pre-marriage counseling should include putting up a tent together. 5:34 PM - 30 Jul 2016 6 17 382 V 870
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  • 44
    Rectangle - Housy Wife @wife_housy Follow My husband can sleep through anything except me shining a tiny light briefly on the book l'm reading in bed. 3:43 AM - 6 Aug 2016 6 13 169 V 391
  • 45
    Font - James Breakwell Follow @XplodingUnicorn It's Friday night, so my wife and I drank wine and talked politics. Just kidding. We had a 20 minute argument over brands of toilet раper. 3:55 AM - 6 Aug 2016 6 17 590 V 4,919
  • 46
    Font - Lurkin' Mom Follow @LurkAtHomeMom *ignores husband for the entirety of our dinner date so I can write him the perfect happy birthday post on FB* 7:36 PM - 9 Aug 2016 6 17 69 V 213
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  • 47
    Font - Floyd @dafloydsta Follow WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff ME: Okay [later] WIFE: What the hell? [dog walks by in a tuxedo] ME: He's getting married, Karen 4:06 PM - 17 Aug 2016 6 17 3,164 V 5,175
  • 48
    Font - mark Follow @TheCatWhisprer WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn't you? ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why? 3:28 AM - 16 Nov 2016 6 17 390 V 905
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    Rectangle - Josh Follow @iwearaonesie *wife wonders where I am* *hears every musical snowman in the store start singing* *knows where I am* 11:45 PM - 28 Nov 2016 6 17 713 V 1,633
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  • 50
    Font - Jeff Follow @usermcuserface Wife: why are you breathing like that? Ahh marriage. When you can be questioned for continuing to live. 2:10 PM - 29 Nov 2016 6 17 373 V 605
  • 51
    Rectangle - eric Follow @ericsshadow ME: I had salmon for lunch. WIFE: the Lis silent. ME: Ha, I knew that. I meant unch. 9:53 PM 3 Dec 2016 6 13 768 V 1,338

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